The Fall

Ever have something bad happen and not know how to come back? Totally happened and still happening to me.

I know you must be thinking – bad things happen to everyone and you just need to suck it up and get over it. But in all reality that is one of the easiest thoughts to have that is also one of the most impossible to bring into reality.

In a very short span of time I lost everything I held very dear to me. Yes, they were only things, but they brought me joy. Joy is very hard for me to come by these days. I learned to live without them and thought I was going to be ok and get through this. I kept thinking it was a depression cycle and the sun will shine again and my days will be bright and full of happiness. Those thoughts were very short lived.

What hurts the most…. more than anything else… is the loneliness. Part of it I bring on myself and I will get to that bit but the rest is hard to deal with. It’s hard not having anyone and feeling like if something happened to you, no one would know. I’m terrified of something happening to me at home and no one would bother to check up on me for weeks. It’s a scary thought to think that I am that alone.

I build up the courage and reach out to see people but they always cancel or have something better to do. I get druken texts from my ex – Red – and then he acts like I don’t exist and I was a complete mistake the next day. My phone never rings, or dings, or beeps with any notifications for weeks. It’s lonely and it hurts when you are a person that needs contact with other people. I honestly enjoy going to work every day because I know people are going to be there that talk to me and actually see me. They don’t see through me or make me feel like I am mistake. My coworkers ask how I can come to work every day with smile on my face and greet them with the most pleasant “Good Morning” and no matter what is asked of me, I never complain. I wish I could tell them the truth and respond, “because out side of this office, I don’t matter.” But of course I can’t say that, I just respond a classic, “just glad I get to live another day.” When really I’m dreading the end of the day when I walk out that door and I don’t matter to anyone any more.

Now the part of loneliness I bring on myself is because I wound up in an affair. I know, I know, I’m a horrible person. It happens. When you’re at your darkest point and someone reaches out to embrace you, you really don’t care. You just want to feel arms wrapped around you and your whole body warm from a few simple kind words. If you couldn’t tell, it’s not like I see him much. I am still alone and have to hold my teddy bear to fall asleep at night. I get the classic lines from him too – and they are good ones. My favorite is, “I’m talking to a divorce lawyer,” or “I really can’t take it anymore.” Oh, they are magnificent. Dude, I know he isn’t going to leave her, not anytime soon at least. I don’t need the hope, I just need the company or the thought someone is thinking of me. I’m not getting it in the best way, but I’m not sleeping around all over the place either. My favorite thing that he does is text me how beautiful I look every morning. Oh did I mention I work with him. Yeah, the plot is thick honey. Last time I was really depressed, you know he showed up at my house with flowers and one of his t-shirts for me to sleep in. He helped me move when no one else would and I didn’t have the money to pay for movers. I let him complain to me about his wife when I really have no remorse. I mean if how she was, was really a problem he would change it. But he doesn’t hear that from me. He just needs someone to vent to and tell him – that sucks – and he has no one. On one hand it’s very bad and on the other we are a support system for each other. It does effect me a bit more because I am the one alone with no real person to talk to. I have this blog that I have been neglecting because I lost my desire to write. I lost my desire to feel – anything. I could easily become an alcoholic. Only if I had a lot of money. Then I could just drink beer (all I like is beer) and lounge around and tell the world to fuck it, and be driven around like Daisy. I would love for someone to just drive me around places.

All joking aside, I know I have to end the affair. I’m not stable enough to right now. I think if I lost him, I would really lose my mind. He is the only one I have that would think someone is wrong if I disappeared. Seriously, what has my life become?

Fuck it, I’m going back to smoking weed. This feeling the woes of my existence crap is not helping. Here’s the plan- I’m going back to smoking and I’m going to learn to play the guitar my dad got me and I’m going to pour my feelings into music. I mean why not? It’s time to try something new. Well, that is where I’m at now. At least I’m back to writing so there’s my start.

I’m falling and I really don’t know how to get back up,

Mental Case

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Prescription for Heartache: Chicken Nuggets, Cocktails & Chick Flicks

Ever have everything fall apart and crumble in front of you and you can’t do anything but hope it stops at a point where you might possibly be able to salvage something to rebuild? Totally happened to me.

I know I haven’t posted in a bit and there is good reason. The main being I wasn’t ready to deal with everything and I felt like shit. I still feel like shit but I can’t just stare at the ruble and ruin my life has become anymore. Time has come to rebuild. Let’s begin…

Red and I worked things out, stupid I know, but can’t change it now. He still couldn’t bother to show me any affection and gave me excuses why. My favorite was – “I’m just stressed out and dealing with a lot.” I started putting a melody to it and would sing it to him when he asked anything of me. It’s quite catchy and I find myself humming it randomly throughout the day. In my crazy girl brain I thought – well I’ll just support him through this and continue to be kind and things will get better. Of course it didn’t get better. That was a hopeless dream I held onto for way to long. It got way worse.

So, as I’m experiencing my relationship fall apart, my dad is hospitalized. My parents live in SC and I’m in TN. When my mom called and told me while I was at work. I started crying. My dad is my superman and we both have been through a lot together and he has always been my biggest supporter. I was ready to go and be by his side and help my mom, but I found out I wouldn’t be paid for the 2 days I was gone. I was just broken. I didn’t know what to do because I couldn’t afford to lose 2 days pay. My mom said he was going to be ok and it wasn’t anything super serious. I just felt like shit because I wasn’t there. It’s hard being far away from my family when things happen.

When a girl is feeling down and powerless to the ways of the world, where does she go? To her boyfriend who will hold her and let her cry it out and tell her everything is going to be ok. But did I get that? Nope. Not even close. I ask to come over because everything that happened and just wanted some company. I show up and went to hug him and he pushed me away – he said he was gross from work and got in the shower. I sat outside to have a beer and a cig and he never checked on me. He popped his head out to tell me to come fix my plate. I went upstairs and his mom wrapped her arms around me and told me it was going to be ok. That helped. When we were going to bed, I asked – I had to fucking ask – for him to hold me for a few. He rolled over and said he was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. As the tears started welling up in my eyes, I got up and grabbed my things and left. I really needed him at that moment and he couldn’t even bother. It gets better – well more tragic but at this point… what else can you say.

Then, a week after all my dad stuff, my car breaks down and needs a completely new motor. Awesome. My parents are kind enough to pay to fix it and it’s going to take a while for me to pay them back. And it doesn’t stop there.

An old friend had multiple strokes for reasons I’m still not sure of. She is 32 and has 2 kids. I went to visit her because the doctors thought it might help spark her recovery to be surrounded by familiar faces. It was really hard walking into that hospital room and seeing her on a feeding tube, hooked up to so many things and surrounded by pictures of her life. She couldn’t speak or move her right side. She grabbed my heavily tattooed arm with her left hand and when I looked in her eyes I swear I knew she was saying to me – Girl! what did you do to your arm, it’s pretty though. She used to love when I played with her hair, so after she ran her hand over my arm she put it right on her head like saying – please play with my hair. She had been in that hospital bed for over 2 months and it looked like no one has been taking care of her hair. Her dad told me they had to cut a huge mat out the back and her step mom has been helping to take care of it. Her step mom said she washed it the day before and it was just put in ball on the top of her head. Ugh. It was still wet and full of tangles. I combed it out and let it dry then braided it so it wouldn’t get messed up. Another old friend came up and we both stayed in the hospital a few days with her and did all the fun things we used to. Watched EuroTrip and a bunch of other stupid movies that made us laugh till we cried, Mani/pedis and face masked, and just talked about what has been going on since we last seen each other. It’s hard thinking I might never hear her voice again. They aren’t sure yet if she will recover enough to go to the rehab facility or if an assisted living arrangement will need to be made. I’m only a few hours away, so I’m going to go up on Saturdays to spend time with her.

Life just really sucks sometimes and the weight of everything piling on at once is a bit much. And of course, Red breaks up with me to add that extra something special to it all. He said he wasn’t willing to meet boyfriend expectations and doesn’t want to keep hurting me but he would very much like to remain friends. Oh it hurt. I knew it was coming, he was an awful boyfriend, I should have ended it sooner. I’ve learned my lesson. You know what really killed me after he broke up with me though, I have no friends here to tell me he didn’t deserve me and take me out for a drink or bring me some chicken nuggets and watch “Two Can Play that Game” with me. Or keep me from doing something crazy to my hair. It’s a very lonely feeling. Very lonely.

I do have my mom. He broke up with me while I was still at work, so I called her to help me calm down and she told me all the things to cheer me up. She qued up a list of movies for me. Told me not to touch my hair in any way and sent me an edible arrangement of fruits covered in chocolate. I can’t put into words how much I appreciate her going above and beyond to be there for me the best she can.

When it all happens at once, it’s hard for me to deal with all on my own. I know I’ll get stronger. Life just broke me and there are a lot of pieces to put back together. I’m just going to let the Motown mix play and eat chicken nuggets and have a good cry or two. Then, I’ll adult and seek guidance with my therapist.

Really wanting chicken nuggets and for nothing else to fuck up right now,

Mental Case

My Mountain Flower

Ever realize you’re too smart for your own good? Totally happened to me.

Alright, so I had a slight crazy girl moment……

Warranted something was a bit off, and he greatly underestimates me……….his phone went off and I saw the text. I’m a smart lady, I knew how to unlock his phone.  I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t see what the text said. Reading the conversation and being the romantic that I am, I understand.

It’s not what he said that angered me so, but when he said it. To add to the fun, there was more than one. Six in total. I know I slipped up right at the beginning but I got it together when I believed he deserved one hundred percent – which was really quick, stupid slip up – yes, but it happened. When I saw the first text, then read through them… you know the rabbit hole just sucks you in…I broke a bit. What kept me from breaking too much was the pictures of these ladies. What was that saying from that one comic…..you don’t fuck down, you fuck up. I do have the confidence in myself and what these ladies and their pictures (multiple might I add of all of them-it was seriously a bit extra) revealed of themselves, he went down. I know I’m a bit mental and I made my mistakes, but when it’s worth it, I’m all in. I was all in.

I grabbed my things and left. He was passed out. Had been for awhile. I didn’t say anything; I just left. I’m not going to contact him yet. I’m not ready. I left it on the screen of the conversation. There is a strong possibility he might not get it. He won’t even realize I saw it all. I’m almost slightly offended how stupid he must think I am. I do think it through and question if I can really be upset? I was in a situation and that passion got ahold of me and things got out of control. I forgave myself and moved on. You have to. But this is multiple ladies, and they are getting all the attention that I used to get at the beginning – the very beginning. He said such sweet things to them. I admit I’m jealous. One of them-Stephanie, I have heard about because he likes to talk about his exes sometimes. She was the one before me who moved to Kentucky. He gave her money to help her move and gave her more money when her things got stolen, and I had an internal issue, but he was helping a friend and I didn’t want to think too much into it to save myself the stress. He wrote…

“I loved you. I wish I had the stones to tell you when you where in my arms. You are and will always be my mountain flower.”

Like, (grasping my chest) ouch-my pride. Such lovely emotion, but not towards me. His words were so beautiful to her. I was with him the night he sent her that, which was last night. It really sucks seeing you were with him when all these conversations were taking place. I can recall the exact place I was when he was talking to them. Many times right beside him. I’m just a bit broken. I know it’s caddy, but I think I’m able to keep a terrifyingly calm about this because I feel I am and look a decent bit better than these girls. It’s horrible to say. I should feel bad about it, but it’s all I got. I believe in this circumstance though, it is allowed.

You know what that extra little jab was – he sent her a text every morning and every night, and he called her, “my mountain flower,” in each one. Attention like that didn’t come to me.

I’m going to be still for awhile and meditate on this.

I swear I’m worth it, all of it, but maybe just not to him.

A bit broken,

Mental Case

How Mental Got Her Groove Back

Ever have an amazing epiphany that changes everything? Totally happening to me right now.

I don’t know why I’m trippin’ so much lately. Well, I know I have the mental thing going on, but it still shouldn’t be as bad. I have been thinking too much about my relationship and purpose in life and just whiny and….. Girl Get It Together! I needed to get over some shit and I finally built that bridge.

Took long enough – jeez.

I was listening to a song yesterday and one of the lyrics really stuck with me. It just made me realize I am the master of this sea of crazy in my head. I’m fucking Neptune in this bitch. Fuck with me. My perspective on life and relationships is changing and it’s so much better. I feel like so much weight has been lifted off of me.

When it comes to my relationship with Red, I have had a few crazy girl moments. Obviously. I changed the perspective of how I’m looking at things and I gained some much needed confidence back in myself. I think that’s what was missing. I had no confidence in myself and that stems from years of being overweight and putting myself down and letting others put me down. I know that’s not a problem that will automatically get fixed overnight, but….. (and this is going to sound so vain but dammit I needed it)….I saw myself in the mirror and damn – I look good. Like, I look really good. I’m gorgeous and I have so much going for me. I’m very well educated, I have a great sense of humor, I have a great job, I have a bad ass 6-speed muscle car, I get on well with everyone, I have the most amazing emerald green eyes, my hair is lux, I take good care of myself now, and I’m totally worth it. I have been putting in effort to get a compliment out of him and why? I can just compliment my damn self.

Girl you lovely and have eyes that can hypnotize!

Do you realize you haven’t had to open a door for yourself in any public space since you moved here?

You make men blush with just a smile. Honey, you got IT.

When you wear that black velvet mini dress tonight – Yaaaasssss! Queen! Slay!

Ok, I’m done.

——————————

I was completely twizted there for a bit. Thank goodness I woke up. I just need to stop trying so hard. I have him. I win. My mom would even tell me I could do better. Even though she adores Red, she knows I could really upgrade if I wanted. But how could he see me as a beautiful amazing creature if I don’t see myself that way – ya know?

(Oh I also started therapy, and he was amazed at my self-awareness of what my problems were and why they aren’t being fixed. I thought everyone was like that. Don’t we all know our problems and find ways to distract ourselves from them so we don’t have to fix them yet?)

I do completely agree and understand that I can not drink alcohol. I have a drinking problem. It’s not that I was drinking everyday, but when I did drink, I couldn’t stop until I was blackout drunk. Then, I would be depressed and sick and in a dark place for days. I really can’t drink. It’s not for me. I’m Bipolar – with the platinum edition upgrade pack. What was I thinking drinking all that alcohol knowing it was going to be a disaster every time? Oh yea – Crazy.  Now, smoking green on the other hand might still need to be done for a little bit longer. It would just throw me a bit too out of whack to stop 2 vices at once. One at time is the best way with this mental case.

I still have a long way to go. Working with a therapist and taking it day by day is really my formula for success. I see my therapist like bumper rails on the bowling lane. It helps to have someone there to guide you back to where you need to be to keep moving forward.

Changing my diet has also really improved my physical, but also my mental health. I have cut out all processed foods, dairy, gluten, and sugar. I haven’t been able to tolerate dairy, gluten, or sugar really well since the surgery so that wasn’t too bad to cut out. Especially sugar. I couldn’t do anything sweet, unless it was wine. I still have about 30 lbs left to lose to reach my personal goal. I will get there by my 30th birthday and I’m going to look amazing. I’m entering the next decade of my life in style. I already have the shoes, so you know it will happen lol.

I’m taking back control and I’m killing it! If I fall, I have the support and drive to dust myself off and keep on moving. I’m still a bit mental, but a fun mental instead of the depressed paranoid version. The adventure is finally getting exciting.

I’m Fucking Neptune,

Mental Case

What the Florida?

Ever have someone make you feel bad for having a horrible allergic reaction that makes your skin look very Freddy Kruegeresque then discover it was their fault you look like that? And a few days later they ask you to leave after inviting you over. Totally happened to me.

My pride has taken a bit of a blow in the past few weeks. I was a contender. My confidence was up, my lust for life was blossoming, and I had a major wardrobe upgrade. All that came horrifically crashing down in the matter of 2 days. I started having really bad skin reactions and I thought it was allergies to something around me. I changed out all my soaps, switched to super gentle detergents, meticulously cleaned my house. Washed everything. Started wiping the dogs off when they came in from outside so they weren’t bringing in plant bits. When that didn’t work, I started cutting out foods. Even though it wasn’t a food allergy, I did find certain foods or ingredients I cut out really made me feel so much better so that’s a positive. We’ll get to what it really was in a sec. After the foods, I was starting to think it was Red’s cat. I had never been allergic to cats before, so I really didn’t think that was it. He didn’t use any of the big brand detergents that make me break out. I was just going through everything I could think of that could be causing the reaction. At this point my skin looked terrible, covered in rashes and sores. I felt ugly and unwanted. Not a good feeling.

I remember standing in Red’s kitchen and he was on my left. I have had to wear long sleeves around him because he said my skin looked disgusting. He asked me, “aren’t you hot in that jacket.” I responded, “yes, but you think I look disgusting so I try to cover up.” He said, “yea, it does look really bad.” I started crying. Not like a burst out in sobs cry, but my eyes welled up and tears just started rolling down my face. No one wants to hear that. If you have been reading these past few entries, you can kind of tell Red isn’t the most sensitive of men. I grabbed a paper towel to blot the tears away and try not to smudge my mascara all over my face. He asked why I was crying and I gently whispered, “I look so bad, you don’t even want to touch me. I can’t even remember the last time you gave me a hug.” Then turned away and headed downstairs. I couldn’t hold back the tears and I didn’t want him or his family to see me crying.

While I was looking in the mirror and just removing all my eye makeup because it was a lost cause to try and salvage it at this point. Something someone told me popped in my head about bed bugs and how my skin looks similar to a reaction to bed bugs. I turned and looked at the bed and thought it wouldn’t hurt to check. And that is exactly what I found. I look like I could be Freddy Krueger’s daughter because Red had bed bugs. We got it taken care of and got a new mattress and did all the stuff, but seriously. What the Florida? I have never encountered bed bugs so that is why I didn’t think of that as a possibility. I didn’t have them at my house thank goodness, but I treated everything just in case. I kept my cool and of course didn’t get mad at him or anything. Getting angry isn’t really my nature and I think one day he will come to greatly appreciate that about me. I was actually happy it wasn’t the cat and that I finally figured out what was causing the problem.

Red isn’t the most sensitive man, which I accept and kind of like (always been a bit drawn to the assholes),  but when it is just us, I feel he could have been a bit nicer in how he said things to me about my skin. He really wouldn’t touch me and it was awful. I did talk to him about it, but I don’t think it really registered with him. But let him drink a bottle of whisky and he shares his inner demons and feelings and i’m right there to hold/comfort him and let him know he is the most amazing man ever. I accept him for who he is and I don’t make him feel bad for anything, I just wish he wasn’t such a guy sometimes when he says stupid shit that really does hurt my feelings. I know he doesn’t do it intentionally, so I’m not angry with him, just hurt.

My skin has gone almost back to normal. I do have a good amount of scarring in the form of little dots all over my right arm, but just gives me more of an excuse for tattoos. There is always a silver lining.

A day after the whole bed bug thing, he did feel really bad. He wanted to do something special for me and little side fact –  I love going on car rides – yes just like dog lol. I love to look out the window and feel the wind through my fingers and just take in all the things while jamming out to great music and not giving a care in the world. I can’t do that when I drive – my car is a 6-speed beast – so I let Red drive for the first time. I don’t really let anyone drive my car, it’s not easy to drive and she is like my baby. He only stalled out a few times which isn’t bad. My gears are really tight and it’s a super short shifter and it takes some getting used to if your not in a race car all the time. Once he got it down, we were good. He took me for a drive through the mountains and it was amazing. I saw all kinds of water falls and beautiful vistas of the mountains. We stopped off at a few places and got a lot of great pictures. He took me to this little shack of place to eat and it was delicious. I was happier than a tween at a puppy party. For dinner, he smoked salmon and his mom and I made all kinds of fixins’. Just a really nice day and an amazing night – if you know what I mean ;). But with the good, comes the bad.

Next time I came, he asked me to bring the dogs. He really only likes one of my dogs, but they both love him. His cat isn’t too fond of the dogs, but only one is interested in getting closer to him. My other dog, I call her my old lady, really couldn’t care less about the cat. She doesn’t bark at it or chase it, really doesn’t care. Now the other dog, totally different. He doesn’t bark at the cat, he really just wants to play with it. He is a small dog and about the same size as the cat. He just gets too excited when he sees cat and wants to play. Cat does not like that. I have been researching healthy ways to introduce a dog to a cat and hold him to let the cat come closer. The cat come up to him and my dog even licked his face but when he started smelling, cat started hissing and went back to his perch to stare down at the peasants. At that point Red said I just needed to probably go because he wouldn’t get any sleep with the cat hissing at the dog all night.

I did ask multiple times before I brought them if he was sure because just the tapping of their nails on the wood floor annoys him in the morning.

-Really any noise kind of eerks him in the morning. Note: Red is not a morning person – that was a super fun fact to learn about him.

He said to bring them. So I did. Then he tells me I need to go after about an hour. Seriously, Sir? What the Florida? And since getting angry really isn’t in my nature, I just got really quiet. Looked over at the bra and dress I would have to put back on and just sighed. Told him, “ok, I’ll leave in just a second.” The dogs were snuggled up beside me on the couch and I just looked down at them and felt bad. Red just went to lay in the bed and didn’t say anything and went to sleep. I changed out of my pjs and back in the chest torture device and my dress and left. I know he wasn’t being mean, but it just hurts being told you need to leave. Anywhere. That hurt a bit more than being unbridesmaided but not as much as being told I needed to leave because the girl at the bar was hotter. Yeah, I have had some pretty awful first dates. And let me say she was not hotter, she was just wearing less clothing and was pushing that Down to F*uck hard AF. Dating sucks dicks.

I’m probably to understanding of a person, but I don’t see it as a bad quality. I’m very logical and aware of reasoning for things. I understood he needed a good night of sleep for work the next day. It just hurts.

Going through all the withdrawals does make me a bit extra sensitive and I’m hoping that will get better. I’m finishing up week 2 of not having anything and the night terrors aren’t as bad and the panic attacks are getting better. I’m trying new hobbies and getting back into old ones that I used to do. I have to keep my hands busy or I start thinking too much and then I want something to help dull down the amount of thoughts. I’ve also started working out to deal with the stress of being me and it has really helped. That lust for life is coming back and Red and I are planning really fun weekend activities like hiking, fishing, camping, and kayaking. I love just being outdoors. So it’s just little things about Red, like how he says things sometimes, that i’m learning to not let get under my skin. I’m a sensitive baby sometimes and even though I know he didn’t mean it in a bad way, it can just be a bit harsh. I have talked to him about it but he doesn’t realize that he is doing it. I think the more we learn about each other the better it will be. We had some really deep chats where he did let his more sensitive side show and I know what he has been through and I’m completely different from any girl he has ever dated. We both have huge walls and as they slowly start to come down we learn more about each other. I love him and I just melt when he tells me, “I love you more than you will ever know Mon Cher.”  In the end I know it will always be ok.

In every great adventure there will be a few rough obstacles, but that’s what makes it great ;). On to experience what happens next….

There is always a silver lining,

Mental Case.