Wanting A Friend But People Suck So My Wants Are Pointless. Awesome.

Ever just had it? Yeah, that’s where I’m at right now.

Awesome place to be, le’me tell you. I’m just a bit numb to it all at this point. I think that is my mind’s way of coping. Just so much stress was coming down on me at once. The majority of it was self-induced, I admit, but it’s just hard processing all of it at once. Now, I’ve had some time alone to argue with myself and realize a few things. I’m drained. Completely exhausted.

My car stuff is external stress. I had to deal with the bank on that yesterday. I’m trying to pay someone and the bank is preventing me from doing so. They said the fraud department called to verify a check but I was unable to answer when they called. The bank lady on the phone started getting rude because I didn’t answer the call. One – I have an irrational fear of talking on the phone with people I don’t know. Two – They didn’t leave a voicemail. How was I supposed to know they called if I have no message explaining they did so. You seriously think I’m going to call the number back and say “I received a call from this number and I’m trying to figure out what’s up”. Get the fuck out. If you are going to call someone, don’t half ass and hang up after a few rings. Put in maximum effort and leave a message. In it to win it people. But what really gets me is that I verified the check when I wrote it so I wouldn’t have to deal with this. They said it was because the name was written funny. I didn’t have a hard surface to write on when I was writing in the name. But the verification was already done and they read me the note made on the account verifying the check the day before it was deposited. End of the story, I had to re-verify the check when it was already verified. Just..ugh.

So that was fun and I completely believe I am cursed.

Things are getting better and I’m just having a tough go at it right now. The loneliness is what really gets me. It always does when getting over a break-up. I’m used to talking with someone every day and then nothing. What’s worse is when they were the only person you talked to, so the phone never rings. This is a little pathetic, I still take my lunch during the time he would call me everyday, just in case he calls. I know he won’t, but…it’s what I do. I’m almost done building the bridge to get over him. I think this week is going to continue to be crap and next week things are going to start turning around.

I’m totally ready to get back to my normal crazy instead of the emo-crying-sappy-girl version of my crazy. The crying at night isn’t helping the bags under my eyes at all. I’m telling you, realizing how alone I am really hits me at night. I even have two dogs that basically sleep on top of me and I still feel alone. What is this need to be with someone? Oh yeah, I’m almost 30 and I’m freaking the fuck out!

I have started the passport process and sticking to an exercise plan. Totally got that Adulting award in the bag already.
And I haven’t checked my phone to see if he called or texted. If I could split into two, mitosis style, I would give myself a huge hug. I’m going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok. I just need to go to Goodwill and buy up a bunch of glass and ceramic dishes then smash them all to get out my anger I’ve been holding in against him and the world. Wait, I have no where to smash dishes. I feel if I did it at my house the neighbors would call the police and THAT’S JUST NOT COOL, BRUH!

See this is why I need friends! A friend would have a place I could smash dishes. Tonight is going to suck so I will counter with a bubble bath while watching “Two Can Play That Game” and get a bit stoned. Tomorrow is required to be better. You hear me Tomorrow, you will be better!

Wanting a friend but people suck so my wants are pointless,

Mental Case

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Prescription for Heartache: Chicken Nuggets, Cocktails & Chick Flicks

Ever have everything fall apart and crumble in front of you and you can’t do anything but hope it stops at a point where you might possibly be able to salvage something to rebuild? Totally happened to me.

I know I haven’t posted in a bit and there is good reason. The main being I wasn’t ready to deal with everything and I felt like shit. I still feel like shit but I can’t just stare at the ruble and ruin my life has become anymore. Time has come to rebuild. Let’s begin…

Red and I worked things out, stupid I know, but can’t change it now. He still couldn’t bother to show me any affection and gave me excuses why. My favorite was – “I’m just stressed out and dealing with a lot.” I started putting a melody to it and would sing it to him when he asked anything of me. It’s quite catchy and I find myself humming it randomly throughout the day. In my crazy girl brain I thought – well I’ll just support him through this and continue to be kind and things will get better. Of course it didn’t get better. That was a hopeless dream I held onto for way to long. It got way worse.

So, as I’m experiencing my relationship fall apart, my dad is hospitalized. My parents live in SC and I’m in TN. When my mom called and told me while I was at work. I started crying. My dad is my superman and we both have been through a lot together and he has always been my biggest supporter. I was ready to go and be by his side and help my mom, but I found out I wouldn’t be paid for the 2 days I was gone. I was just broken. I didn’t know what to do because I couldn’t afford to lose 2 days pay. My mom said he was going to be ok and it wasn’t anything super serious. I just felt like shit because I wasn’t there. It’s hard being far away from my family when things happen.

When a girl is feeling down and powerless to the ways of the world, where does she go? To her boyfriend who will hold her and let her cry it out and tell her everything is going to be ok. But did I get that? Nope. Not even close. I ask to come over because everything that happened and just wanted some company. I show up and went to hug him and he pushed me away – he said he was gross from work and got in the shower. I sat outside to have a beer and a cig and he never checked on me. He popped his head out to tell me to come fix my plate. I went upstairs and his mom wrapped her arms around me and told me it was going to be ok. That helped. When we were going to bed, I asked – I had to fucking ask – for him to hold me for a few. He rolled over and said he was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. As the tears started welling up in my eyes, I got up and grabbed my things and left. I really needed him at that moment and he couldn’t even bother. It gets better – well more tragic but at this point… what else can you say.

Then, a week after all my dad stuff, my car breaks down and needs a completely new motor. Awesome. My parents are kind enough to pay to fix it and it’s going to take a while for me to pay them back. And it doesn’t stop there.

An old friend had multiple strokes for reasons I’m still not sure of. She is 32 and has 2 kids. I went to visit her because the doctors thought it might help spark her recovery to be surrounded by familiar faces. It was really hard walking into that hospital room and seeing her on a feeding tube, hooked up to so many things and surrounded by pictures of her life. She couldn’t speak or move her right side. She grabbed my heavily tattooed arm with her left hand and when I looked in her eyes I swear I knew she was saying to me – Girl! what did you do to your arm, it’s pretty though. She used to love when I played with her hair, so after she ran her hand over my arm she put it right on her head like saying – please play with my hair. She had been in that hospital bed for over 2 months and it looked like no one has been taking care of her hair. Her dad told me they had to cut a huge mat out the back and her step mom has been helping to take care of it. Her step mom said she washed it the day before and it was just put in ball on the top of her head. Ugh. It was still wet and full of tangles. I combed it out and let it dry then braided it so it wouldn’t get messed up. Another old friend came up and we both stayed in the hospital a few days with her and did all the fun things we used to. Watched EuroTrip and a bunch of other stupid movies that made us laugh till we cried, Mani/pedis and face masked, and just talked about what has been going on since we last seen each other. It’s hard thinking I might never hear her voice again. They aren’t sure yet if she will recover enough to go to the rehab facility or if an assisted living arrangement will need to be made. I’m only a few hours away, so I’m going to go up on Saturdays to spend time with her.

Life just really sucks sometimes and the weight of everything piling on at once is a bit much. And of course, Red breaks up with me to add that extra something special to it all. He said he wasn’t willing to meet boyfriend expectations and doesn’t want to keep hurting me but he would very much like to remain friends. Oh it hurt. I knew it was coming, he was an awful boyfriend, I should have ended it sooner. I’ve learned my lesson. You know what really killed me after he broke up with me though, I have no friends here to tell me he didn’t deserve me and take me out for a drink or bring me some chicken nuggets and watch “Two Can Play that Game” with me. Or keep me from doing something crazy to my hair. It’s a very lonely feeling. Very lonely.

I do have my mom. He broke up with me while I was still at work, so I called her to help me calm down and she told me all the things to cheer me up. She qued up a list of movies for me. Told me not to touch my hair in any way and sent me an edible arrangement of fruits covered in chocolate. I can’t put into words how much I appreciate her going above and beyond to be there for me the best she can.

When it all happens at once, it’s hard for me to deal with all on my own. I know I’ll get stronger. Life just broke me and there are a lot of pieces to put back together. I’m just going to let the Motown mix play and eat chicken nuggets and have a good cry or two. Then, I’ll adult and seek guidance with my therapist.

Really wanting chicken nuggets and for nothing else to fuck up right now,

Mental Case

Are You Actually Being Serious

Ever get to turn down a rich powerful CEO who thought he could still get something from you? Oh Yes! It finally happened to me!

Oh honey, it’s like the best feeling in the whole wide world. It might just feel really good right now because I heard these 2 ladies I work with talking about me earlier and they were not saying very nice things. A lot was about my weight. One that really kind of hurt was, “she wasted all that money on weight loss surgery to still be fat.”

Like really? Excuse me ma’am, who the fuck do you think you are?

I didn’t say anything. I’m an angel just flying over the bullshit. When I turned around and walked away, I heard a gasp. I was just stopping by to explain an invoice one of ladies left in my office asking for me to find where it came from. Didn’t know it was a Hate on Mental party.

(I know you are wondering what happened with Red, and I will get there – promise. )

That got me a bit down, but then something magical happened. My old boss called me from my last job (you know the one I was sleeping with and had the wife that was my supervisor – in the first post if you missed it). I don’t know why I answered, but something compelled me to do so. He is in town for business and wanted to meet up for drinks and, in his own words, “your specialties hehe.” Like really? I had to find another job in different state because of you and you’re going to call me up and ask for my specialties, like right off dick. Are you actually being serious? I got to do a Oh-No-You-Didn’t-Hair-Flip and tell him to fuck off. Does feel pretty good. But with the ups do come the downs.

Ok, I need get out the Red mess. I know I need to, I just don’t want to. See what had happened was…..

After I left that morning. He didn’t even know I read those messages. He sent me a text later saying that trees were down everywhere at his work and power was out in a few cabins. In my crazy, but brilliant, girl way I responded, “It was a crazy storm my mountain flower.” Five minutes later my phones starts ringing. I didn’t answer and hit the ignore button every time. He sent a text asking to talk. I was at work and didn’t want to deal with that mess yet, so I told him I would call him when I got off work. When I called him, he said he made a mistake when he was drunk and he never should have sent those messages and he doesn’t know what he was thinking. I responded, ” I had to ask you to tell me I looked nice and you go and give up compliments and beautiful words to girls who couldn’t care less about you.” He then went on this explanation of how awful his past relationships are and he was always used to being yelled at. I stopped him and said, “just because the people you chose to be with in your past were shit, doesn’t mean I’m going to be the same way. I’m an amazing person. I support you. I appreciate you. I respect you. I make you laugh. I held you when you cried. I do things without you asking. I listened when you needed to vent. I listened to you talk about your exes and took it like a fucking champ. I don’t need you in the least but choose to be with you. I love you. And in return you take me for granted and think I’m a fucking idiot and give/seek attention from other girls. Do I not deserve it?” I didn’t hear from him any more that night.

—————————————-

He showed up at my house and when I opened the door he dropped to his knees and gave the most heart felt apology that made me feel like he really did love me and was terrified to lose me. We just held each other for awhile and didn’t say a word. It felt like being home wrapped in his arms…..

Then, I woke up and realized it was a dream and immediately when to the freezer to seek comfort from the only men who have always been there for me – Ben & Jerry. Oh, they know my heart. I’m still a bit lost when it comes to Red. It’s hard to explain. When your brain and heart never agree, life can be a bit complicated. I don’t know the future, so what comes next is a complete mystery. I just hope it feels better than this.

Masking my sadness like a ninja,

Mental Case

 

How Mental Got Her Groove Back

Ever have an amazing epiphany that changes everything? Totally happening to me right now.

I don’t know why I’m trippin’ so much lately. Well, I know I have the mental thing going on, but it still shouldn’t be as bad. I have been thinking too much about my relationship and purpose in life and just whiny and….. Girl Get It Together! I needed to get over some shit and I finally built that bridge.

Took long enough – jeez.

I was listening to a song yesterday and one of the lyrics really stuck with me. It just made me realize I am the master of this sea of crazy in my head. I’m fucking Neptune in this bitch. Fuck with me. My perspective on life and relationships is changing and it’s so much better. I feel like so much weight has been lifted off of me.

When it comes to my relationship with Red, I have had a few crazy girl moments. Obviously. I changed the perspective of how I’m looking at things and I gained some much needed confidence back in myself. I think that’s what was missing. I had no confidence in myself and that stems from years of being overweight and putting myself down and letting others put me down. I know that’s not a problem that will automatically get fixed overnight, but….. (and this is going to sound so vain but dammit I needed it)….I saw myself in the mirror and damn – I look good. Like, I look really good. I’m gorgeous and I have so much going for me. I’m very well educated, I have a great sense of humor, I have a great job, I have a bad ass 6-speed muscle car, I get on well with everyone, I have the most amazing emerald green eyes, my hair is lux, I take good care of myself now, and I’m totally worth it. I have been putting in effort to get a compliment out of him and why? I can just compliment my damn self.

Girl you lovely and have eyes that can hypnotize!

Do you realize you haven’t had to open a door for yourself in any public space since you moved here?

You make men blush with just a smile. Honey, you got IT.

When you wear that black velvet mini dress tonight – Yaaaasssss! Queen! Slay!

Ok, I’m done.

——————————

I was completely twizted there for a bit. Thank goodness I woke up. I just need to stop trying so hard. I have him. I win. My mom would even tell me I could do better. Even though she adores Red, she knows I could really upgrade if I wanted. But how could he see me as a beautiful amazing creature if I don’t see myself that way – ya know?

(Oh I also started therapy, and he was amazed at my self-awareness of what my problems were and why they aren’t being fixed. I thought everyone was like that. Don’t we all know our problems and find ways to distract ourselves from them so we don’t have to fix them yet?)

I do completely agree and understand that I can not drink alcohol. I have a drinking problem. It’s not that I was drinking everyday, but when I did drink, I couldn’t stop until I was blackout drunk. Then, I would be depressed and sick and in a dark place for days. I really can’t drink. It’s not for me. I’m Bipolar – with the platinum edition upgrade pack. What was I thinking drinking all that alcohol knowing it was going to be a disaster every time? Oh yea – Crazy.  Now, smoking green on the other hand might still need to be done for a little bit longer. It would just throw me a bit too out of whack to stop 2 vices at once. One at time is the best way with this mental case.

I still have a long way to go. Working with a therapist and taking it day by day is really my formula for success. I see my therapist like bumper rails on the bowling lane. It helps to have someone there to guide you back to where you need to be to keep moving forward.

Changing my diet has also really improved my physical, but also my mental health. I have cut out all processed foods, dairy, gluten, and sugar. I haven’t been able to tolerate dairy, gluten, or sugar really well since the surgery so that wasn’t too bad to cut out. Especially sugar. I couldn’t do anything sweet, unless it was wine. I still have about 30 lbs left to lose to reach my personal goal. I will get there by my 30th birthday and I’m going to look amazing. I’m entering the next decade of my life in style. I already have the shoes, so you know it will happen lol.

I’m taking back control and I’m killing it! If I fall, I have the support and drive to dust myself off and keep on moving. I’m still a bit mental, but a fun mental instead of the depressed paranoid version. The adventure is finally getting exciting.

I’m Fucking Neptune,

Mental Case

Call Me Pete, Re-Pete

Ever listen to a song and you need to hear it over and over again because it distracts your brain from thinking to much, then watch the music video over and over, then download the whole album and…well you get it? Totally happening to me right now.

(and it’s Sign of the Times by Harry Styles, then I watched the video, then I downloaded the album and have just been letting it play all day on repeat. Yesterday it was Ask Me How I Know by Garth Brooks).

I’ve noticed I get in the repeat modes when I can’t slow my thoughts down enough to process them or I have obsessive thoughts that drive me crazy. I find songs that kind of calm down my mind enough for me to get through it. Lately the big issue is I don’t want to end up alone. Most people can function alone and don’t need anyone and are completely content with independence, and that’s not me. I remember a therapy session a while back when my therapist said I have dependency issues and I need to do more things alone and enjoy being with just myself. I think there is more to it than that and I don’t see it as a bad thing. Plus, it helps for me to have someone around because I am clumsy and trip and fall all the time. Just once it would be nice for someone to catch me (like that perfect moment in the romcom lol). Back to what I was saying….

I had a really bad break down about 4 years ago. I didn’t speak for 4 months and was in a hospital for about 6 months all together. In that time I was a bit trapped in my head and really couldn’t discern reality from dreaming. I knew things were real when someone was around me because I could sense their emotions. When what I was seeing wasn’t real, I couldn’t sense that emotion. It wasn’t just family either. It was with doctors and nurses and really anyone that came around me. I basically needed someone close to me so I knew what was real and that I wasn’t dreaming. I still need someone close to me or my mind starts releasing a flood of thoughts and I can’t control it. I have been successful in finding a few ways to help me control it but those options aren’t always available to me.

I am at my most calm lying with my head on Red’s chest and I can hear his heartbeat. It’s like a stop light going off in my head and everything freezes and the most comforting wave of calm washes over me. It’s my favorite way to fall asleep. But the nights that I stay at home alone are always hard. Playing songs on repeat, knitting, coloring, and cleaning do provide some relief but it never lasts long. I need a tv on to fall asleep because hearing people talk helps distract me. I can’t handle silence.  Now I’m not talking being up close right next to someone all squished up in their personal bubble. Just in the same space as someone. It just sucks being called clingy. Society pushes this notion that you have to learn to be happy on your own before you can be happy with anyone else, some independent mess, and all that jazz. I don’t fit that. Nothing about me is normal so why do people think I need to be forced into that mold. Can’t I just be the way I am and people are happy with it? When people just let me be I’m actually quite an enjoyable person to be around.

Red is pretty good with me even though he doesn’t know about my bipolarness or really anything about my past. I wonder if he will ever notice he never hears me talk about my past. One reason, he never asks, and the other is I don’t want him knowing a lot of it.  I know a lot of his past and when he was sharing the recent happenings of his ex getting arrested for hitting her new bf and was trying to hit up some of their mutual friends for bail money, I told him I really don’t want to hear about her anymore. I was completely pleasant and just nicely asked to not hear about her. I don’t talk about my crap exes, but I swear next time he brings her up I’ll play the Who Had The Worst Ex game with him and completely destroy him. I know he doesn’t tell me these stories to make me upset, he just wants someone to know how horrible it was, ya know. I get that. It did make him feel better knowing how great he has it now. He told me that. But a part of me was just slightly dying on the inside because I was thinking – does he have it better? Am I better? I really want to think so and I believe a bit more time I will definitely know for sure. He has told me I am the girl he never thought he would find and that is very comforting, but I have a crazy girl brain and even though he told me that I can’t just believe it like right off dick.

I know what really makes me a bit nervous and worry too much is that I haven’t had a real relationship (like where i’m not just the side action, but like a real one where he isn’t married) that lasted more than 2 months since ….. oh my…… wow since college. His name was Will. We were together for 1 year 4 months and 3 days. That one kind of traumatized me. He cheated on me with my best friend. I found out by walking in on them getting it on in our bed. People say finding out your man is cheating on you really sucks, but there is a deeper level of suckage my friends. Walking in on the love of your life giving it to your best friend really sucks. Oh and I didn’t hold back the crazy either when it happened. I grabbed a baseball bat and ran them out the house naked. They ran down to her place at the end of the road screaming I’m crazy and they were going to call the cops. The police were at my door about 20 minutes later. I had started packing his things at that point and was drinking wine out the bottle. I explained to them what had happened and they agreed it was a shitty thing to discover and were actually quite worried about leaving me alone. I didn’t really have anyone else to come and just sit with me and keep me from doing anything super dangerous, so those officers actually came by my house every few hours to check on me. One even came by after her shift and brought me a bottle of wine.

Now Red and I are headed towards 3 months. That’s a really big deal for me (even though in the full scope of life I know it’s nothing to really get that amped up about). I know I just need to calm down and chill out, but I just get a little excited that this one might actually stick around for awhile. I try and internalize the excitement because that is a lot to expect from someone that has only known me for a short time. He still might send me a random text at any time saying he doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore and leave, but I’m really trying to not think of that and just enjoy us. Thinking of him leaving is one of the worst thoughts I’m dealing with and I try over and over again to tell myself he hasn’t left yet so why worry.  But then that after shock thought pops up saying – but what if he does leave because you’re not good enough. I just need to keep my mind occupied so I don’t think about it. Maybe I’ll bake something. Yes, I think I will. A cheesecake possibly. Maybe with a cocoa crispy marshmallow treat crust. Yep, that is what I will make. Oh wait, fruity pebble marshmallow treat crust — ohhh yes.

I have noticed a difference since starting this diary in not being as impulsive and thinking my actions through before going forth with making really bad decisions. Even though I really don’t have anyone to talk to about everything, I do have this diary/blog thing. It helps to get it out in this medium and when the therapy starts I think things will only get better.

Repeating songs and missing bongs,

Mental Case