Ever just had it? Yeah, that’s where I’m at right now.
Awesome place to be, le’me tell you. I’m just a bit numb to it all at this point. I think that is my mind’s way of coping. Just so much stress was coming down on me at once. The majority of it was self-induced, I admit, but it’s just hard processing all of it at once. Now, I’ve had some time alone to argue with myself and realize a few things. I’m drained. Completely exhausted.
My car stuff is external stress. I had to deal with the bank on that yesterday. I’m trying to pay someone and the bank is preventing me from doing so. They said the fraud department called to verify a check but I was unable to answer when they called. The bank lady on the phone started getting rude because I didn’t answer the call. One – I have an irrational fear of talking on the phone with people I don’t know. Two – They didn’t leave a voicemail. How was I supposed to know they called if I have no message explaining they did so. You seriously think I’m going to call the number back and say “I received a call from this number and I’m trying to figure out what’s up”. Get the fuck out. If you are going to call someone, don’t half ass and hang up after a few rings. Put in maximum effort and leave a message. In it to win it people. But what really gets me is that I verified the check when I wrote it so I wouldn’t have to deal with this. They said it was because the name was written funny. I didn’t have a hard surface to write on when I was writing in the name. But the verification was already done and they read me the note made on the account verifying the check the day before it was deposited. End of the story, I had to re-verify the check when it was already verified. Just..ugh.
So that was fun and I completely believe I am cursed.
Things are getting better and I’m just having a tough go at it right now. The loneliness is what really gets me. It always does when getting over a break-up. I’m used to talking with someone every day and then nothing. What’s worse is when they were the only person you talked to, so the phone never rings. This is a little pathetic, I still take my lunch during the time he would call me everyday, just in case he calls. I know he won’t, but…it’s what I do. I’m almost done building the bridge to get over him. I think this week is going to continue to be crap and next week things are going to start turning around.
I’m totally ready to get back to my normal crazy instead of the emo-crying-sappy-girl version of my crazy. The crying at night isn’t helping the bags under my eyes at all. I’m telling you, realizing how alone I am really hits me at night. I even have two dogs that basically sleep on top of me and I still feel alone. What is this need to be with someone? Oh yeah, I’m almost 30 and I’m freaking the fuck out!
I have started the passport process and sticking to an exercise plan. Totally got that Adulting award in the bag already.
And I haven’t checked my phone to see if he called or texted. If I could split into two, mitosis style, I would give myself a huge hug. I’m going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok. I just need to go to Goodwill and buy up a bunch of glass and ceramic dishes then smash them all to get out my anger I’ve been holding in against him and the world. Wait, I have no where to smash dishes. I feel if I did it at my house the neighbors would call the police and THAT’S JUST NOT COOL, BRUH!
See this is why I need friends! A friend would have a place I could smash dishes. Tonight is going to suck so I will counter with a bubble bath while watching “Two Can Play That Game” and get a bit stoned. Tomorrow is required to be better. You hear me Tomorrow, you will be better!
Wanting a friend but people suck so my wants are pointless,