Wanting A Friend But People Suck So My Wants Are Pointless. Awesome.

Ever just had it? Yeah, that’s where I’m at right now.

Awesome place to be, le’me tell you. I’m just a bit numb to it all at this point. I think that is my mind’s way of coping. Just so much stress was coming down on me at once. The majority of it was self-induced, I admit, but it’s just hard processing all of it at once. Now, I’ve had some time alone to argue with myself and realize a few things. I’m drained. Completely exhausted.

My car stuff is external stress. I had to deal with the bank on that yesterday. I’m trying to pay someone and the bank is preventing me from doing so. They said the fraud department called to verify a check but I was unable to answer when they called. The bank lady on the phone started getting rude because I didn’t answer the call. One – I have an irrational fear of talking on the phone with people I don’t know. Two – They didn’t leave a voicemail. How was I supposed to know they called if I have no message explaining they did so. You seriously think I’m going to call the number back and say “I received a call from this number and I’m trying to figure out what’s up”. Get the fuck out. If you are going to call someone, don’t half ass and hang up after a few rings. Put in maximum effort and leave a message. In it to win it people. But what really gets me is that I verified the check when I wrote it so I wouldn’t have to deal with this. They said it was because the name was written funny. I didn’t have a hard surface to write on when I was writing in the name. But the verification was already done and they read me the note made on the account verifying the check the day before it was deposited. End of the story, I had to re-verify the check when it was already verified. Just..ugh.

So that was fun and I completely believe I am cursed.

Things are getting better and I’m just having a tough go at it right now. The loneliness is what really gets me. It always does when getting over a break-up. I’m used to talking with someone every day and then nothing. What’s worse is when they were the only person you talked to, so the phone never rings. This is a little pathetic, I still take my lunch during the time he would call me everyday, just in case he calls. I know he won’t, but…it’s what I do. I’m almost done building the bridge to get over him. I think this week is going to continue to be crap and next week things are going to start turning around.

I’m totally ready to get back to my normal crazy instead of the emo-crying-sappy-girl version of my crazy. The crying at night isn’t helping the bags under my eyes at all. I’m telling you, realizing how alone I am really hits me at night. I even have two dogs that basically sleep on top of me and I still feel alone. What is this need to be with someone? Oh yeah, I’m almost 30 and I’m freaking the fuck out!

I have started the passport process and sticking to an exercise plan. Totally got that Adulting award in the bag already.
And I haven’t checked my phone to see if he called or texted. If I could split into two, mitosis style, I would give myself a huge hug. I’m going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok. I just need to go to Goodwill and buy up a bunch of glass and ceramic dishes then smash them all to get out my anger I’ve been holding in against him and the world. Wait, I have no where to smash dishes. I feel if I did it at my house the neighbors would call the police and THAT’S JUST NOT COOL, BRUH!

See this is why I need friends! A friend would have a place I could smash dishes. Tonight is going to suck so I will counter with a bubble bath while watching “Two Can Play That Game” and get a bit stoned. Tomorrow is required to be better. You hear me Tomorrow, you will be better!

Wanting a friend but people suck so my wants are pointless,

Mental Case

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Prescription for Heartache: Chicken Nuggets, Cocktails & Chick Flicks

Ever have everything fall apart and crumble in front of you and you can’t do anything but hope it stops at a point where you might possibly be able to salvage something to rebuild? Totally happened to me.

I know I haven’t posted in a bit and there is good reason. The main being I wasn’t ready to deal with everything and I felt like shit. I still feel like shit but I can’t just stare at the ruble and ruin my life has become anymore. Time has come to rebuild. Let’s begin…

Red and I worked things out, stupid I know, but can’t change it now. He still couldn’t bother to show me any affection and gave me excuses why. My favorite was – “I’m just stressed out and dealing with a lot.” I started putting a melody to it and would sing it to him when he asked anything of me. It’s quite catchy and I find myself humming it randomly throughout the day. In my crazy girl brain I thought – well I’ll just support him through this and continue to be kind and things will get better. Of course it didn’t get better. That was a hopeless dream I held onto for way to long. It got way worse.

So, as I’m experiencing my relationship fall apart, my dad is hospitalized. My parents live in SC and I’m in TN. When my mom called and told me while I was at work. I started crying. My dad is my superman and we both have been through a lot together and he has always been my biggest supporter. I was ready to go and be by his side and help my mom, but I found out I wouldn’t be paid for the 2 days I was gone. I was just broken. I didn’t know what to do because I couldn’t afford to lose 2 days pay. My mom said he was going to be ok and it wasn’t anything super serious. I just felt like shit because I wasn’t there. It’s hard being far away from my family when things happen.

When a girl is feeling down and powerless to the ways of the world, where does she go? To her boyfriend who will hold her and let her cry it out and tell her everything is going to be ok. But did I get that? Nope. Not even close. I ask to come over because everything that happened and just wanted some company. I show up and went to hug him and he pushed me away – he said he was gross from work and got in the shower. I sat outside to have a beer and a cig and he never checked on me. He popped his head out to tell me to come fix my plate. I went upstairs and his mom wrapped her arms around me and told me it was going to be ok. That helped. When we were going to bed, I asked – I had to fucking ask – for him to hold me for a few. He rolled over and said he was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. As the tears started welling up in my eyes, I got up and grabbed my things and left. I really needed him at that moment and he couldn’t even bother. It gets better – well more tragic but at this point… what else can you say.

Then, a week after all my dad stuff, my car breaks down and needs a completely new motor. Awesome. My parents are kind enough to pay to fix it and it’s going to take a while for me to pay them back. And it doesn’t stop there.

An old friend had multiple strokes for reasons I’m still not sure of. She is 32 and has 2 kids. I went to visit her because the doctors thought it might help spark her recovery to be surrounded by familiar faces. It was really hard walking into that hospital room and seeing her on a feeding tube, hooked up to so many things and surrounded by pictures of her life. She couldn’t speak or move her right side. She grabbed my heavily tattooed arm with her left hand and when I looked in her eyes I swear I knew she was saying to me – Girl! what did you do to your arm, it’s pretty though. She used to love when I played with her hair, so after she ran her hand over my arm she put it right on her head like saying – please play with my hair. She had been in that hospital bed for over 2 months and it looked like no one has been taking care of her hair. Her dad told me they had to cut a huge mat out the back and her step mom has been helping to take care of it. Her step mom said she washed it the day before and it was just put in ball on the top of her head. Ugh. It was still wet and full of tangles. I combed it out and let it dry then braided it so it wouldn’t get messed up. Another old friend came up and we both stayed in the hospital a few days with her and did all the fun things we used to. Watched EuroTrip and a bunch of other stupid movies that made us laugh till we cried, Mani/pedis and face masked, and just talked about what has been going on since we last seen each other. It’s hard thinking I might never hear her voice again. They aren’t sure yet if she will recover enough to go to the rehab facility or if an assisted living arrangement will need to be made. I’m only a few hours away, so I’m going to go up on Saturdays to spend time with her.

Life just really sucks sometimes and the weight of everything piling on at once is a bit much. And of course, Red breaks up with me to add that extra something special to it all. He said he wasn’t willing to meet boyfriend expectations and doesn’t want to keep hurting me but he would very much like to remain friends. Oh it hurt. I knew it was coming, he was an awful boyfriend, I should have ended it sooner. I’ve learned my lesson. You know what really killed me after he broke up with me though, I have no friends here to tell me he didn’t deserve me and take me out for a drink or bring me some chicken nuggets and watch “Two Can Play that Game” with me. Or keep me from doing something crazy to my hair. It’s a very lonely feeling. Very lonely.

I do have my mom. He broke up with me while I was still at work, so I called her to help me calm down and she told me all the things to cheer me up. She qued up a list of movies for me. Told me not to touch my hair in any way and sent me an edible arrangement of fruits covered in chocolate. I can’t put into words how much I appreciate her going above and beyond to be there for me the best she can.

When it all happens at once, it’s hard for me to deal with all on my own. I know I’ll get stronger. Life just broke me and there are a lot of pieces to put back together. I’m just going to let the Motown mix play and eat chicken nuggets and have a good cry or two. Then, I’ll adult and seek guidance with my therapist.

Really wanting chicken nuggets and for nothing else to fuck up right now,

Mental Case

How Mental Got Her Groove Back

Ever have an amazing epiphany that changes everything? Totally happening to me right now.

I don’t know why I’m trippin’ so much lately. Well, I know I have the mental thing going on, but it still shouldn’t be as bad. I have been thinking too much about my relationship and purpose in life and just whiny and….. Girl Get It Together! I needed to get over some shit and I finally built that bridge.

Took long enough – jeez.

I was listening to a song yesterday and one of the lyrics really stuck with me. It just made me realize I am the master of this sea of crazy in my head. I’m fucking Neptune in this bitch. Fuck with me. My perspective on life and relationships is changing and it’s so much better. I feel like so much weight has been lifted off of me.

When it comes to my relationship with Red, I have had a few crazy girl moments. Obviously. I changed the perspective of how I’m looking at things and I gained some much needed confidence back in myself. I think that’s what was missing. I had no confidence in myself and that stems from years of being overweight and putting myself down and letting others put me down. I know that’s not a problem that will automatically get fixed overnight, but….. (and this is going to sound so vain but dammit I needed it)….I saw myself in the mirror and damn – I look good. Like, I look really good. I’m gorgeous and I have so much going for me. I’m very well educated, I have a great sense of humor, I have a great job, I have a bad ass 6-speed muscle car, I get on well with everyone, I have the most amazing emerald green eyes, my hair is lux, I take good care of myself now, and I’m totally worth it. I have been putting in effort to get a compliment out of him and why? I can just compliment my damn self.

Girl you lovely and have eyes that can hypnotize!

Do you realize you haven’t had to open a door for yourself in any public space since you moved here?

You make men blush with just a smile. Honey, you got IT.

When you wear that black velvet mini dress tonight – Yaaaasssss! Queen! Slay!

Ok, I’m done.

——————————

I was completely twizted there for a bit. Thank goodness I woke up. I just need to stop trying so hard. I have him. I win. My mom would even tell me I could do better. Even though she adores Red, she knows I could really upgrade if I wanted. But how could he see me as a beautiful amazing creature if I don’t see myself that way – ya know?

(Oh I also started therapy, and he was amazed at my self-awareness of what my problems were and why they aren’t being fixed. I thought everyone was like that. Don’t we all know our problems and find ways to distract ourselves from them so we don’t have to fix them yet?)

I do completely agree and understand that I can not drink alcohol. I have a drinking problem. It’s not that I was drinking everyday, but when I did drink, I couldn’t stop until I was blackout drunk. Then, I would be depressed and sick and in a dark place for days. I really can’t drink. It’s not for me. I’m Bipolar – with the platinum edition upgrade pack. What was I thinking drinking all that alcohol knowing it was going to be a disaster every time? Oh yea – Crazy.  Now, smoking green on the other hand might still need to be done for a little bit longer. It would just throw me a bit too out of whack to stop 2 vices at once. One at time is the best way with this mental case.

I still have a long way to go. Working with a therapist and taking it day by day is really my formula for success. I see my therapist like bumper rails on the bowling lane. It helps to have someone there to guide you back to where you need to be to keep moving forward.

Changing my diet has also really improved my physical, but also my mental health. I have cut out all processed foods, dairy, gluten, and sugar. I haven’t been able to tolerate dairy, gluten, or sugar really well since the surgery so that wasn’t too bad to cut out. Especially sugar. I couldn’t do anything sweet, unless it was wine. I still have about 30 lbs left to lose to reach my personal goal. I will get there by my 30th birthday and I’m going to look amazing. I’m entering the next decade of my life in style. I already have the shoes, so you know it will happen lol.

I’m taking back control and I’m killing it! If I fall, I have the support and drive to dust myself off and keep on moving. I’m still a bit mental, but a fun mental instead of the depressed paranoid version. The adventure is finally getting exciting.

I’m Fucking Neptune,

Mental Case

Sometimes You Have To Properly Adult

Ever stop for a moment to analyze yourself and come to the conclusion you’re just a mess and it’s time to clean up and properly adult? Totally happening to me right now.

I have been on a complaining kick lately and it’s entirely unnecessary. I kind of needed a slap in the face to snap out of it. I got that in the form of a horrible hangover. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was, and indulged a bit too much. I was doing so well but the little party gremlin that lives in my head just wanted a night out. I don’t know what I was thinking. Well, actually I do. I just didn’t want to deal with  everything I have had buried deep down for so long. I was ok there for a bit taking on the demons, but then they just started getting worse. I know I need help and will get it. It’s just hard not having a friend or someone to talk to about everything I’m dealing with. I’m going to start therapy, but I really want to talk to Red about it. I could probably talk to Red about it and I should, but I’m just afraid of what might happen if I open up. Letting people in and get close to me hasn’t worked out so great in the past. My heart has been broken every time. But I need to just let go of the fear and talk to him. I’m struggling and it would really be nice to have some support. I’m going to talk to him. I will do it……….it just might take me a bit.

After realizing I have been just in a negative place lately and complaining, I think it is time to properly adult and take responsibility. The situation I have found myself in is at no one else’s fault but my own. So that means only I can fix it and get to a happier place. The issue is I’m a bit allergic to hard work and taking care of myself is  extremely hard work. I was diagnosed with bipolar II and I have really bad anxiety issues and self medicating is not working – clearly. Now that was just one doctors diagnosis but I fit the description perfectly. I was on medication for a while but I was a vegetable. I was tired all the time and felt sick and my head was foggy. My medication was changed frequently and finding the right cocktail of meds just wasn’t happening. I went off the medication and sought other means to keep me level – epic fail. Realizing that I am failing and I’m headed for a major breakdown has me terrified. I don’t want to go through that (again) and I don’t want anyone around me to have to go through it either. I’m really scared to talk to anyone about it because there is this stigma attached to people with mental illness and I don’t want to be exiled. When I was overweight, medical term was “morbidly obese”, people seemed to be disgusted just to be in my presence.  Now that I lost the weight, and I really am a lovely girl, I don’t want to go through the same thing because I have a mental illness. I have been broken up with, unfriended, given up on, and let down after confiding in someone enough to tell them. People are shit. I know that is a big reason I haven’t told Red. I don’t want him to leave me. I honestly don’t think it’s time yet either. That may be an excuse and possibly completely wrong and I should tell him, but fuck it, I’m crazy and that’s just how I’m rollin’ at the moment.

So to help myself and get this crazy under some sense of control, I have plan. Research, stick to a schedule, therapy, and take it day by day. It sounds so simple but this will probably be the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. To help, I have a few long term goals. One is to look bangin’ for my 30th birthday in 8 months. Two, pay off my credit card by the end of the year. Three, save enough money to take my mom and cousin to Biltmore when it’s all decorated for Christmas. Totally achievable. My short term goals consist of getting on a set schedule, cutting out caffeine to better manage my anxiety, de-cluttering all the stuffs, eating better, working out, explore the city, and really just taking better care of myself. I just have to be careful and not overwhelm myself with expectations which could very quickly lead to an anxiety attack and breakdown.  Side note: being bipolar with horrible anxiety sucks major dicks! And if you are wondering what it’s like – it’s like trying to get a singing kids toy to turn off and it won’t turn off and just keeps singing that stupid song over and over again and you smash it and throw it and rip it apart, but it keeps singing and when you feel like dying so you can finally have peace, the singing stops. Yeah, that’s about right. Welcome to my life. Oh, and I would never hurt my self like that because I value my life and I kinda want to see what’s in store for me. There is so much I haven’t experienced so I need to get better so I can adventure and do all the things.

I am in a better place and I’m going to properly adult and get my shit together. I mean it’s time. I’m almost 30 fucking years old and I have dreams and goals and a really great life if I want it and I know I can do it this time. I have no excuses at this point. Not drinking will be a struggle, but becoming the most awesome me is going to be so worth it.

Properly Adulting Like A Boss,

Mental Case

Ceiling Fan Thoughts & Movie References

Ever have thoughts racing through your mind round and round like a ceiling fan on high speed and you finally catch one to process then it’s gone again back in the spinning? Totally happening to me.

All the pot I was smoking was keeping my mind from processing all the thoughts and crazy I had let build up for the past eleven years – saying it’s a lot is a seriously epic understatement. Now that I haven’t had any in a week my energy has increased but a flood of thoughts are trying to squeeze through processing and it is exhausting. To add to the fun, I’m having vivid dreams of past things I have done that I had tried to destroy the memory, but didn’t. I know there are certain memories my mind has actually blocked from me remembering and I’m scared to death those will come back. I know something really bad has happened to me between certain time frames and I can’t recall anything. I’ve woke up every single night this week at 3 AM. Last night I woke up crying and shaking and couldn’t tell if I was still dreaming or awake. I was staying with Red and reaching out and feeling him there let me know I was awake. It was also nice knowing I wasn’t alone.

It’s just a bit scary the things I have locked away for so long. I know it will get better and I won’t be haunted by these memories forever. It’s just hard reliving things from my past as terrifying nightmares. Ok, this is getting deep and I have few other things to cover.

Let’s go another direction. I saw Red’s Ex that has been haunting him. Technically, I found her on facebook, as one does, and I know it might be a bit vain and caddy but I feel I might be a bit of an upgrade. She did a number on him and I’m left hearing about it and really putting in the work to show him he deserves so much better and I’m her. I really shouldn’t say that because I’ve been taught that I am not better than anyone else, but I mean come the fuck on, let’s get real.

Red said a few things that made me feel a little self-conscious and that’s what brought about this investigator session.

  • Quick story, she saw me and Red on our first date. We had dinner at this cool little pizza place then walked to a bar he liked. Low and behold she was there. I don’t really remember her face, I just remember he was drinking his beer and looked behind me and put it down and said, “we need to go.” I was surprised because he didn’t finish his beer and he wanted to go so quickly. I thought he wasn’t that into me or something and later he said his ex was there and she is crazy and he didn’t want her to fight me or come at him. Extra tid bit: Our first kiss was outside that bar too.

What he said that stuck with me was that she was the only girl that ever made him do that wolf howl and eyes bug out like the cartoon. We were watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit when that scene came on and that is what he chose would be an ok thing to say to me. I used to be morbidly obese so my confidence isn’t really that high even though I’ve lost all the extra weight. When a guy you are head over heels for says something like that it’s almost like punch in the stomach, even though I honestly believe he didn’t say it to be mean, but how can you be that oblivious? Don’t get me wrong, I do fancy myself as a lovely woman, and I hear people tell me how great I look now and how pretty I am, but from past experience I can’t tell if they are being sincere or just polite. When I was really big, I would get that – you’re really pretty for a bigger girl – line. I just realized why what he said really bothered me – Red has never really complimented me and said I look nice or pretty. It’s not like I go to see him looking like a dirty hobo. I put effort into how I look when I go out of the house. Those souther belle habits won’t die lol. I have tried all kinds of different makeup looks. Nothing crazy of course, but when you put in a little effort, the one person a girl wants to hear those compliments from his her boyfriend. And i’m not saying I need constant reassurance that I look nice, but just a – hey baby, you look beautiful – every now and then would be nice to hear. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, but again I am a mental case so my view could be a bit skewed. Aww, that makes me kind of sad to realize he has never complimented me, on anything. I’m baking him my signature sweets and if I don’t get something out of that I really hope I don’t start to cry. I’m kind of starting to tear up now realizing all this. He even didn’t try to comfort me when I was crying because I had a horrible eczema flare up and my skin looked so bad. It was on my face, arms, hands, feet, back, it was bad. I felt completely awful. This has gone to a sad place very fast.

Point that I was getting at is that I feel like I’m a better person than the ex and I definitely believe I’m an like the VIP Platinum upgrade. She isn’t totally unfortunate looking, but she resembles a leathered skin biker broad with crap tattoos and meth teeth. Like a total Monet, from far away not too bad, but up close just a horrible violent alcoholic mess. (Paraphrasing quotes – oh Mental Case you’re so clever snaps for you) But thinking about the compliment thing I am completely bummed out from that realization – let me share something from the other day to brighten things up. (Told you – Ceiling Fan Thoughts).

Next Direction….

I have a few friends I made through work and they are really amazing and I was just so blown away at how kind they are to me. One is a guy and he is sweet and reminds me a lot of my brother. Dorktastic and loving it. We go to cosplay conventions and comicbook stores and have game nights and nerd out on some Netflix. He told me the other day he had a dream about me cooking in his Uncle’s kitchen. My response was epic and I have to give myself a tiny pat on the back for this one. So here’s what was said:

Friend: I know this sounds weird, but I had a dream about you cooking in my uncle’s kitchen.

Me: Why are you and your uncle cooking me in his kitchen?

Friend: *starts crying from laughing so hard.

Me: I know I’m a (favorite quote from Jurassic Park) – Clever Girl

We will leave it on that weird, but funny note. Be back to unleash more crazy tomorrow.

Kinda bummed but It’s fine,

Mental Case