Wanting A Friend But People Suck So My Wants Are Pointless. Awesome.

Ever just had it? Yeah, that’s where I’m at right now.

Awesome place to be, le’me tell you. I’m just a bit numb to it all at this point. I think that is my mind’s way of coping. Just so much stress was coming down on me at once. The majority of it was self-induced, I admit, but it’s just hard processing all of it at once. Now, I’ve had some time alone to argue with myself and realize a few things. I’m drained. Completely exhausted.

My car stuff is external stress. I had to deal with the bank on that yesterday. I’m trying to pay someone and the bank is preventing me from doing so. They said the fraud department called to verify a check but I was unable to answer when they called. The bank lady on the phone started getting rude because I didn’t answer the call. One – I have an irrational fear of talking on the phone with people I don’t know. Two – They didn’t leave a voicemail. How was I supposed to know they called if I have no message explaining they did so. You seriously think I’m going to call the number back and say “I received a call from this number and I’m trying to figure out what’s up”. Get the fuck out. If you are going to call someone, don’t half ass and hang up after a few rings. Put in maximum effort and leave a message. In it to win it people. But what really gets me is that I verified the check when I wrote it so I wouldn’t have to deal with this. They said it was because the name was written funny. I didn’t have a hard surface to write on when I was writing in the name. But the verification was already done and they read me the note made on the account verifying the check the day before it was deposited. End of the story, I had to re-verify the check when it was already verified. Just..ugh.

So that was fun and I completely believe I am cursed.

Things are getting better and I’m just having a tough go at it right now. The loneliness is what really gets me. It always does when getting over a break-up. I’m used to talking with someone every day and then nothing. What’s worse is when they were the only person you talked to, so the phone never rings. This is a little pathetic, I still take my lunch during the time he would call me everyday, just in case he calls. I know he won’t, but…it’s what I do. I’m almost done building the bridge to get over him. I think this week is going to continue to be crap and next week things are going to start turning around.

I’m totally ready to get back to my normal crazy instead of the emo-crying-sappy-girl version of my crazy. The crying at night isn’t helping the bags under my eyes at all. I’m telling you, realizing how alone I am really hits me at night. I even have two dogs that basically sleep on top of me and I still feel alone. What is this need to be with someone? Oh yeah, I’m almost 30 and I’m freaking the fuck out!

I have started the passport process and sticking to an exercise plan. Totally got that Adulting award in the bag already.
And I haven’t checked my phone to see if he called or texted. If I could split into two, mitosis style, I would give myself a huge hug. I’m going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok. I just need to go to Goodwill and buy up a bunch of glass and ceramic dishes then smash them all to get out my anger I’ve been holding in against him and the world. Wait, I have no where to smash dishes. I feel if I did it at my house the neighbors would call the police and THAT’S JUST NOT COOL, BRUH!

See this is why I need friends! A friend would have a place I could smash dishes. Tonight is going to suck so I will counter with a bubble bath while watching “Two Can Play That Game” and get a bit stoned. Tomorrow is required to be better. You hear me Tomorrow, you will be better!

Wanting a friend but people suck so my wants are pointless,

Mental Case

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My Mountain Flower

Ever realize you’re too smart for your own good? Totally happened to me.

Alright, so I had a slight crazy girl moment……

Warranted something was a bit off, and he greatly underestimates me……….his phone went off and I saw the text. I’m a smart lady, I knew how to unlock his phone.  I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t see what the text said. Reading the conversation and being the romantic that I am, I understand.

It’s not what he said that angered me so, but when he said it. To add to the fun, there was more than one. Six in total. I know I slipped up right at the beginning but I got it together when I believed he deserved one hundred percent – which was really quick, stupid slip up – yes, but it happened. When I saw the first text, then read through them… you know the rabbit hole just sucks you in…I broke a bit. What kept me from breaking too much was the pictures of these ladies. What was that saying from that one comic…..you don’t fuck down, you fuck up. I do have the confidence in myself and what these ladies and their pictures (multiple might I add of all of them-it was seriously a bit extra) revealed of themselves, he went down. I know I’m a bit mental and I made my mistakes, but when it’s worth it, I’m all in. I was all in.

I grabbed my things and left. He was passed out. Had been for awhile. I didn’t say anything; I just left. I’m not going to contact him yet. I’m not ready. I left it on the screen of the conversation. There is a strong possibility he might not get it. He won’t even realize I saw it all. I’m almost slightly offended how stupid he must think I am. I do think it through and question if I can really be upset? I was in a situation and that passion got ahold of me and things got out of control. I forgave myself and moved on. You have to. But this is multiple ladies, and they are getting all the attention that I used to get at the beginning – the very beginning. He said such sweet things to them. I admit I’m jealous. One of them-Stephanie, I have heard about because he likes to talk about his exes sometimes. She was the one before me who moved to Kentucky. He gave her money to help her move and gave her more money when her things got stolen, and I had an internal issue, but he was helping a friend and I didn’t want to think too much into it to save myself the stress. He wrote…

“I loved you. I wish I had the stones to tell you when you where in my arms. You are and will always be my mountain flower.”

Like, (grasping my chest) ouch-my pride. Such lovely emotion, but not towards me. His words were so beautiful to her. I was with him the night he sent her that, which was last night. It really sucks seeing you were with him when all these conversations were taking place. I can recall the exact place I was when he was talking to them. Many times right beside him. I’m just a bit broken. I know it’s caddy, but I think I’m able to keep a terrifyingly calm about this because I feel I am and look a decent bit better than these girls. It’s horrible to say. I should feel bad about it, but it’s all I got. I believe in this circumstance though, it is allowed.

You know what that extra little jab was – he sent her a text every morning and every night, and he called her, “my mountain flower,” in each one. Attention like that didn’t come to me.

I’m going to be still for awhile and meditate on this.

I swear I’m worth it, all of it, but maybe just not to him.

A bit broken,

Mental Case

How Mental Got Her Groove Back

Ever have an amazing epiphany that changes everything? Totally happening to me right now.

I don’t know why I’m trippin’ so much lately. Well, I know I have the mental thing going on, but it still shouldn’t be as bad. I have been thinking too much about my relationship and purpose in life and just whiny and….. Girl Get It Together! I needed to get over some shit and I finally built that bridge.

Took long enough – jeez.

I was listening to a song yesterday and one of the lyrics really stuck with me. It just made me realize I am the master of this sea of crazy in my head. I’m fucking Neptune in this bitch. Fuck with me. My perspective on life and relationships is changing and it’s so much better. I feel like so much weight has been lifted off of me.

When it comes to my relationship with Red, I have had a few crazy girl moments. Obviously. I changed the perspective of how I’m looking at things and I gained some much needed confidence back in myself. I think that’s what was missing. I had no confidence in myself and that stems from years of being overweight and putting myself down and letting others put me down. I know that’s not a problem that will automatically get fixed overnight, but….. (and this is going to sound so vain but dammit I needed it)….I saw myself in the mirror and damn – I look good. Like, I look really good. I’m gorgeous and I have so much going for me. I’m very well educated, I have a great sense of humor, I have a great job, I have a bad ass 6-speed muscle car, I get on well with everyone, I have the most amazing emerald green eyes, my hair is lux, I take good care of myself now, and I’m totally worth it. I have been putting in effort to get a compliment out of him and why? I can just compliment my damn self.

Girl you lovely and have eyes that can hypnotize!

Do you realize you haven’t had to open a door for yourself in any public space since you moved here?

You make men blush with just a smile. Honey, you got IT.

When you wear that black velvet mini dress tonight – Yaaaasssss! Queen! Slay!

Ok, I’m done.

——————————

I was completely twizted there for a bit. Thank goodness I woke up. I just need to stop trying so hard. I have him. I win. My mom would even tell me I could do better. Even though she adores Red, she knows I could really upgrade if I wanted. But how could he see me as a beautiful amazing creature if I don’t see myself that way – ya know?

(Oh I also started therapy, and he was amazed at my self-awareness of what my problems were and why they aren’t being fixed. I thought everyone was like that. Don’t we all know our problems and find ways to distract ourselves from them so we don’t have to fix them yet?)

I do completely agree and understand that I can not drink alcohol. I have a drinking problem. It’s not that I was drinking everyday, but when I did drink, I couldn’t stop until I was blackout drunk. Then, I would be depressed and sick and in a dark place for days. I really can’t drink. It’s not for me. I’m Bipolar – with the platinum edition upgrade pack. What was I thinking drinking all that alcohol knowing it was going to be a disaster every time? Oh yea – Crazy.  Now, smoking green on the other hand might still need to be done for a little bit longer. It would just throw me a bit too out of whack to stop 2 vices at once. One at time is the best way with this mental case.

I still have a long way to go. Working with a therapist and taking it day by day is really my formula for success. I see my therapist like bumper rails on the bowling lane. It helps to have someone there to guide you back to where you need to be to keep moving forward.

Changing my diet has also really improved my physical, but also my mental health. I have cut out all processed foods, dairy, gluten, and sugar. I haven’t been able to tolerate dairy, gluten, or sugar really well since the surgery so that wasn’t too bad to cut out. Especially sugar. I couldn’t do anything sweet, unless it was wine. I still have about 30 lbs left to lose to reach my personal goal. I will get there by my 30th birthday and I’m going to look amazing. I’m entering the next decade of my life in style. I already have the shoes, so you know it will happen lol.

I’m taking back control and I’m killing it! If I fall, I have the support and drive to dust myself off and keep on moving. I’m still a bit mental, but a fun mental instead of the depressed paranoid version. The adventure is finally getting exciting.

I’m Fucking Neptune,

Mental Case

Call Me Pete, Re-Pete

Ever listen to a song and you need to hear it over and over again because it distracts your brain from thinking to much, then watch the music video over and over, then download the whole album and…well you get it? Totally happening to me right now.

(and it’s Sign of the Times by Harry Styles, then I watched the video, then I downloaded the album and have just been letting it play all day on repeat. Yesterday it was Ask Me How I Know by Garth Brooks).

I’ve noticed I get in the repeat modes when I can’t slow my thoughts down enough to process them or I have obsessive thoughts that drive me crazy. I find songs that kind of calm down my mind enough for me to get through it. Lately the big issue is I don’t want to end up alone. Most people can function alone and don’t need anyone and are completely content with independence, and that’s not me. I remember a therapy session a while back when my therapist said I have dependency issues and I need to do more things alone and enjoy being with just myself. I think there is more to it than that and I don’t see it as a bad thing. Plus, it helps for me to have someone around because I am clumsy and trip and fall all the time. Just once it would be nice for someone to catch me (like that perfect moment in the romcom lol). Back to what I was saying….

I had a really bad break down about 4 years ago. I didn’t speak for 4 months and was in a hospital for about 6 months all together. In that time I was a bit trapped in my head and really couldn’t discern reality from dreaming. I knew things were real when someone was around me because I could sense their emotions. When what I was seeing wasn’t real, I couldn’t sense that emotion. It wasn’t just family either. It was with doctors and nurses and really anyone that came around me. I basically needed someone close to me so I knew what was real and that I wasn’t dreaming. I still need someone close to me or my mind starts releasing a flood of thoughts and I can’t control it. I have been successful in finding a few ways to help me control it but those options aren’t always available to me.

I am at my most calm lying with my head on Red’s chest and I can hear his heartbeat. It’s like a stop light going off in my head and everything freezes and the most comforting wave of calm washes over me. It’s my favorite way to fall asleep. But the nights that I stay at home alone are always hard. Playing songs on repeat, knitting, coloring, and cleaning do provide some relief but it never lasts long. I need a tv on to fall asleep because hearing people talk helps distract me. I can’t handle silence.  Now I’m not talking being up close right next to someone all squished up in their personal bubble. Just in the same space as someone. It just sucks being called clingy. Society pushes this notion that you have to learn to be happy on your own before you can be happy with anyone else, some independent mess, and all that jazz. I don’t fit that. Nothing about me is normal so why do people think I need to be forced into that mold. Can’t I just be the way I am and people are happy with it? When people just let me be I’m actually quite an enjoyable person to be around.

Red is pretty good with me even though he doesn’t know about my bipolarness or really anything about my past. I wonder if he will ever notice he never hears me talk about my past. One reason, he never asks, and the other is I don’t want him knowing a lot of it.  I know a lot of his past and when he was sharing the recent happenings of his ex getting arrested for hitting her new bf and was trying to hit up some of their mutual friends for bail money, I told him I really don’t want to hear about her anymore. I was completely pleasant and just nicely asked to not hear about her. I don’t talk about my crap exes, but I swear next time he brings her up I’ll play the Who Had The Worst Ex game with him and completely destroy him. I know he doesn’t tell me these stories to make me upset, he just wants someone to know how horrible it was, ya know. I get that. It did make him feel better knowing how great he has it now. He told me that. But a part of me was just slightly dying on the inside because I was thinking – does he have it better? Am I better? I really want to think so and I believe a bit more time I will definitely know for sure. He has told me I am the girl he never thought he would find and that is very comforting, but I have a crazy girl brain and even though he told me that I can’t just believe it like right off dick.

I know what really makes me a bit nervous and worry too much is that I haven’t had a real relationship (like where i’m not just the side action, but like a real one where he isn’t married) that lasted more than 2 months since ….. oh my…… wow since college. His name was Will. We were together for 1 year 4 months and 3 days. That one kind of traumatized me. He cheated on me with my best friend. I found out by walking in on them getting it on in our bed. People say finding out your man is cheating on you really sucks, but there is a deeper level of suckage my friends. Walking in on the love of your life giving it to your best friend really sucks. Oh and I didn’t hold back the crazy either when it happened. I grabbed a baseball bat and ran them out the house naked. They ran down to her place at the end of the road screaming I’m crazy and they were going to call the cops. The police were at my door about 20 minutes later. I had started packing his things at that point and was drinking wine out the bottle. I explained to them what had happened and they agreed it was a shitty thing to discover and were actually quite worried about leaving me alone. I didn’t really have anyone else to come and just sit with me and keep me from doing anything super dangerous, so those officers actually came by my house every few hours to check on me. One even came by after her shift and brought me a bottle of wine.

Now Red and I are headed towards 3 months. That’s a really big deal for me (even though in the full scope of life I know it’s nothing to really get that amped up about). I know I just need to calm down and chill out, but I just get a little excited that this one might actually stick around for awhile. I try and internalize the excitement because that is a lot to expect from someone that has only known me for a short time. He still might send me a random text at any time saying he doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore and leave, but I’m really trying to not think of that and just enjoy us. Thinking of him leaving is one of the worst thoughts I’m dealing with and I try over and over again to tell myself he hasn’t left yet so why worry.  But then that after shock thought pops up saying – but what if he does leave because you’re not good enough. I just need to keep my mind occupied so I don’t think about it. Maybe I’ll bake something. Yes, I think I will. A cheesecake possibly. Maybe with a cocoa crispy marshmallow treat crust. Yep, that is what I will make. Oh wait, fruity pebble marshmallow treat crust — ohhh yes.

I have noticed a difference since starting this diary in not being as impulsive and thinking my actions through before going forth with making really bad decisions. Even though I really don’t have anyone to talk to about everything, I do have this diary/blog thing. It helps to get it out in this medium and when the therapy starts I think things will only get better.

Repeating songs and missing bongs,

Mental Case

Arguing with Thy Self

Ever want to talk to someone about something but you play it out in your head first then end up arguing with yourself about how you reacted and just realize you’re not going to have the conversation with the actual person because it played out badly in your head? Totally happening to me.

I’m a little extra stressed lately and avoiding alcohol. I have broken down and smoked twice but only a few hits. When drinking, I always drink too much and i’m sick for days after and I get extremely depressed and cry and think that everything would be better if I wasn’t here. So….. I’m just not drinking. When smoking, I only can do a few hits and I’m relaxed and it’s the only way I can get an appetite to eat lately. I really never feel hungry anymore because of the surgery and have been very forgetful lately about eating and a whole day will go by and I haven’t eaten at all. I realized I didn’t eat dinner for the past 4 days.  Part of that could be the stress.

Let’s talk about stress. I’m going on a deep sea fishing trip with my Dad and a few family friends for his birthday. I’m really excited. I can do rough seas and that bit isn’t what is stressing me out, it’s more the ride down there. I don’t travel that great when someone else is driving or I can’t smoke. Well, that is part of it. The other part is one of the family friends going – her and my mom had a really bad fall out a few years back and she can be a bit of a bitch – you would say – and I don’t want her to start any drama with me. One reason they got into a fight is because she said some very un-nice things about me to my mom and that started the fight between them. You never speak ill of someone else’s children that way. Like if you need to tell someone something unfortunate about their child, there is a proper way to do it that is not like your are punching them in the face with words – you know what I mean?

The person I used to be doesn’t exist anymore. I have grown up a bit and learned from my mistakes and got my shit together. Quite well if I might add. She is one of those women that will say things to start drama and loves to stir a pot and just be dramatastic to the max. Completely unpleasant sometimes. I just don’t want her to come at me. She hasn’t seen me since I have lost the weight and being larger was a lot of her distaste towards me. She looks at overweight people like you would at used condoms on the street. Yeah, imagine that face. I know it will be ok. I’m extremely pleasant and Southern F*ck You is my first language. I would never do anything to cause drama on my Dad’s trip. But if she comes at me sideways for anything, I will calmly tell her to go f*ck herself. Oh and smile. Can’t forget the smile.

With all this building stress, I have gotten back into yoga and working out and building up that stamina so when Red and I go on adventures, I don’t die. But what happens when I work out is I start thinking. Not always the best, but sometimes I surprise myself.

I realized some things about me the other day that are actually really nice. As a girlfriend, I’m kind and considerate. I don’t blow up his phone or constantly text until I get a reply. If I call once and he doesn’t pick up , I know he is busy and will call me back when he can. I take pride in myself and look nice. I don’t smother him on the couch when we sit together. I listen to his problems and let him drive my car. I understand that he is stressed out with a few things (I know what they are but they don’t need to be written down) and his words can be a bit harsh. He never meant them to hurt me, but they still did. He would always apologize later. I clean and cook. I get on with his family really well. I’m really quite happy when I’m around him because I genuinely love being around him. I’m understanding when he is too tired to see me. I’m always down for getting out and about when he wants. What I’m getting at is I think I’m a pretty decent partner. So why is it when I want to be close to him for a few minutes when laying in bed, I get told – “why don’t you move over there.” Granted he has been in a pissy mood because of something else he is dealing with and he has never said that to me before, It makes me want to scream. Ok, so you know the whole arguing with thyself thing that started this flood of words – it relates to this…

I needed to get out that first bit to get to this bit. When he asked me to leave because he wouldn’t get any sleep with the cat hissing at the dogs then was passed out before I left. I didn’t say anything to him. I simply responded, “Ok, I’ll leave in a minute.” I got quiet, looked at my dogs, then got dressed and left. I didn’t hear from him at all the next day. I didn’t text him or call, I knew he was working. I was a little sad but hey people get busy. I get over things pretty quickly, but when I didn’t hear from him at all the next day after being told I needed to go… It was kind of a let down. This happened on a Monday and I’m leaving for my trip on Thursday and won’t be back till the following Tuesday. I didn’t hear from him until Wednesday late afternoon, only after I called to see if he wanted to see me before being gone. He has been working extra hard so I knew there was a big possibility he would be too tired to get dinner and spend time together before I left. Just when the possibility becomes the reality, it’s a bit sad. Him being like that isn’t what makes me sad, it’s that I know what it is like to be greatly wanted by someone who can’t have you. He does have me, so it’s like he doesn’t try. But someone else wants me more. (And I know you are reading this, and no it’s not you Baggage. It’s the mistake I told you about that Red can’t know about. Not everything is about you lol).

I’m not asking for much, but just a simple phone call to tell me goodnight, or a text. I would prefer a phone call, they are a bit more personal. I’m not wanting constant attention, but just something more than days of nothing. So I was arguing with myself on how to talk to him about it. I don’t think it is out of line or completely unreasonable what I’m missing in our relationship. So in my head here is how it played out – Brain is him and Me is, well me:

Me: Hey darlin, can I talk to you about something.

Brain: Sure baby, whats up.

Me: You know how you can go days with out ever saying anything to me, could you at least tell me goodnight.

Brain: You know I can’t always get to my phone and when I work really hard I tend to come home and pass out.

Me: Yeah, I understand, but it would just be nice to know you thought of me at some point.

Brain: You’re right baby. I do think about you, I just get so worn out and I mean to call you, but I close my eyes and next thing I know it’s morning. I’ll call baby.

——————————-

That is the best scenario I think. But then my brain did this shit.

——————————-

Me: You know how you can go days with out ever saying anything to me, could you at least tell me goodnight.

Brain: I swear babe, I’m not trying to be mean but you can be clingy. I really can’t deal with that right now.

Me: You told me to move over, and I did. You tell me to leave and I do, with no argument might I add. I never text or call you when you’re at work. I don’t demand your attention when you’re watching your shows. I’m not a fucking puppy that you are having to deal with – I’m your girlfriend and a fucking amazing one at that. I support you in everything. I’ve listened to you talk about your ex because you have so much anger towards her and have never been able to let it out. And every single memory you tell me is awful and feels like a fucking punch in the face. But I take it and never say anything bad about her and never judge you for letting things go on that way for as long as they did. I don’t bring up my past because the one time I did you judged me so fast and made me feel extremely small. All I ask for is a phone call or text, it’s not like I’m asking for a compliment, which I never get, just a split fucking second of your time to feel wanted.

Brain: I can’t deal with this, you need to leave.

——————–

See my brain is a fucking dick too. I know i’m fretting on absolutely nothing and I probably won’t have that conversation with him. If he didn’t want me, then we wouldn’t be together. I know that is how simple-guy-brain works, but I have a crazy-girl-brain and sometimes she just needs a little reassurance. I really am complaining about nothing and when I’m with him, all that shit just doesn’t even matter. It’s just I know the true root of the problem is that Mistake makes me feel wanted, every day. And he isn’t the one I want to be making me feel that way. I get attention from everyone but the one man I want to get attention from. That’s exactly it.

I almost want to see how long it would take him to contact me. Let’s do an experiment. I’m driving a long distance this evening and I don’t see that great at night. He knows this and he know I’m driving a long way alone at night. We talked last night when I called before he went to bed. Haven’t heard from him at all today and it’s about 3pm now. Let’s see how long it takes for him to contact me. It’s a bit caddy and beneath me, but I am a mental case so I’ll allow it this one time. Once we have the findings, don’t worry a massive emotional overload will not happen. I’m just curious to see how long he will go without saying anything to me. It’s Thursday – day 1.

Did you not know I’m a scientist too?

Mental Case