The Fall

Ever have something bad happen and not know how to come back? Totally happened and still happening to me.

I know you must be thinking – bad things happen to everyone and you just need to suck it up and get over it. But in all reality that is one of the easiest thoughts to have that is also one of the most impossible to bring into reality.

In a very short span of time I lost everything I held very dear to me. Yes, they were only things, but they brought me joy. Joy is very hard for me to come by these days. I learned to live without them and thought I was going to be ok and get through this. I kept thinking it was a depression cycle and the sun will shine again and my days will be bright and full of happiness. Those thoughts were very short lived.

What hurts the most…. more than anything else… is the loneliness. Part of it I bring on myself and I will get to that bit but the rest is hard to deal with. It’s hard not having anyone and feeling like if something happened to you, no one would know. I’m terrified of something happening to me at home and no one would bother to check up on me for weeks. It’s a scary thought to think that I am that alone.

I build up the courage and reach out to see people but they always cancel or have something better to do. I get druken texts from my ex – Red – and then he acts like I don’t exist and I was a complete mistake the next day. My phone never rings, or dings, or beeps with any notifications for weeks. It’s lonely and it hurts when you are a person that needs contact with other people. I honestly enjoy going to work every day because I know people are going to be there that talk to me and actually see me. They don’t see through me or make me feel like I am mistake. My coworkers ask how I can come to work every day with smile on my face and greet them with the most pleasant “Good Morning” and no matter what is asked of me, I never complain. I wish I could tell them the truth and respond, “because out side of this office, I don’t matter.” But of course I can’t say that, I just respond a classic, “just glad I get to live another day.” When really I’m dreading the end of the day when I walk out that door and I don’t matter to anyone any more.

Now the part of loneliness I bring on myself is because I wound up in an affair. I know, I know, I’m a horrible person. It happens. When you’re at your darkest point and someone reaches out to embrace you, you really don’t care. You just want to feel arms wrapped around you and your whole body warm from a few simple kind words. If you couldn’t tell, it’s not like I see him much. I am still alone and have to hold my teddy bear to fall asleep at night. I get the classic lines from him too – and they are good ones. My favorite is, “I’m talking to a divorce lawyer,” or “I really can’t take it anymore.” Oh, they are magnificent. Dude, I know he isn’t going to leave her, not anytime soon at least. I don’t need the hope, I just need the company or the thought someone is thinking of me. I’m not getting it in the best way, but I’m not sleeping around all over the place either. My favorite thing that he does is text me how beautiful I look every morning. Oh did I mention I work with him. Yeah, the plot is thick honey. Last time I was really depressed, you know he showed up at my house with flowers and one of his t-shirts for me to sleep in. He helped me move when no one else would and I didn’t have the money to pay for movers. I let him complain to me about his wife when I really have no remorse. I mean if how she was, was really a problem he would change it. But he doesn’t hear that from me. He just needs someone to vent to and tell him – that sucks – and he has no one. On one hand it’s very bad and on the other we are a support system for each other. It does effect me a bit more because I am the one alone with no real person to talk to. I have this blog that I have been neglecting because I lost my desire to write. I lost my desire to feel – anything. I could easily become an alcoholic. Only if I had a lot of money. Then I could just drink beer (all I like is beer) and lounge around and tell the world to fuck it, and be driven around like Daisy. I would love for someone to just drive me around places.

All joking aside, I know I have to end the affair. I’m not stable enough to right now. I think if I lost him, I would really lose my mind. He is the only one I have that would think someone is wrong if I disappeared. Seriously, what has my life become?

Fuck it, I’m going back to smoking weed. This feeling the woes of my existence crap is not helping. Here’s the plan- I’m going back to smoking and I’m going to learn to play the guitar my dad got me and I’m going to pour my feelings into music. I mean why not? It’s time to try something new. Well, that is where I’m at now. At least I’m back to writing so there’s my start.

I’m falling and I really don’t know how to get back up,

Mental Case

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Are You Actually Being Serious

Ever get to turn down a rich powerful CEO who thought he could still get something from you? Oh Yes! It finally happened to me!

Oh honey, it’s like the best feeling in the whole wide world. It might just feel really good right now because I heard these 2 ladies I work with talking about me earlier and they were not saying very nice things. A lot was about my weight. One that really kind of hurt was, “she wasted all that money on weight loss surgery to still be fat.”

Like really? Excuse me ma’am, who the fuck do you think you are?

I didn’t say anything. I’m an angel just flying over the bullshit. When I turned around and walked away, I heard a gasp. I was just stopping by to explain an invoice one of ladies left in my office asking for me to find where it came from. Didn’t know it was a Hate on Mental party.

(I know you are wondering what happened with Red, and I will get there – promise. )

That got me a bit down, but then something magical happened. My old boss called me from my last job (you know the one I was sleeping with and had the wife that was my supervisor – in the first post if you missed it). I don’t know why I answered, but something compelled me to do so. He is in town for business and wanted to meet up for drinks and, in his own words, “your specialties hehe.” Like really? I had to find another job in different state because of you and you’re going to call me up and ask for my specialties, like right off dick. Are you actually being serious? I got to do a Oh-No-You-Didn’t-Hair-Flip and tell him to fuck off. Does feel pretty good. But with the ups do come the downs.

Ok, I need get out the Red mess. I know I need to, I just don’t want to. See what had happened was…..

After I left that morning. He didn’t even know I read those messages. He sent me a text later saying that trees were down everywhere at his work and power was out in a few cabins. In my crazy, but brilliant, girl way I responded, “It was a crazy storm my mountain flower.” Five minutes later my phones starts ringing. I didn’t answer and hit the ignore button every time. He sent a text asking to talk. I was at work and didn’t want to deal with that mess yet, so I told him I would call him when I got off work. When I called him, he said he made a mistake when he was drunk and he never should have sent those messages and he doesn’t know what he was thinking. I responded, ” I had to ask you to tell me I looked nice and you go and give up compliments and beautiful words to girls who couldn’t care less about you.” He then went on this explanation of how awful his past relationships are and he was always used to being yelled at. I stopped him and said, “just because the people you chose to be with in your past were shit, doesn’t mean I’m going to be the same way. I’m an amazing person. I support you. I appreciate you. I respect you. I make you laugh. I held you when you cried. I do things without you asking. I listened when you needed to vent. I listened to you talk about your exes and took it like a fucking champ. I don’t need you in the least but choose to be with you. I love you. And in return you take me for granted and think I’m a fucking idiot and give/seek attention from other girls. Do I not deserve it?” I didn’t hear from him any more that night.

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He showed up at my house and when I opened the door he dropped to his knees and gave the most heart felt apology that made me feel like he really did love me and was terrified to lose me. We just held each other for awhile and didn’t say a word. It felt like being home wrapped in his arms…..

Then, I woke up and realized it was a dream and immediately when to the freezer to seek comfort from the only men who have always been there for me – Ben & Jerry. Oh, they know my heart. I’m still a bit lost when it comes to Red. It’s hard to explain. When your brain and heart never agree, life can be a bit complicated. I don’t know the future, so what comes next is a complete mystery. I just hope it feels better than this.

Masking my sadness like a ninja,

Mental Case

 

My Mountain Flower

Ever realize you’re too smart for your own good? Totally happened to me.

Alright, so I had a slight crazy girl moment……

Warranted something was a bit off, and he greatly underestimates me……….his phone went off and I saw the text. I’m a smart lady, I knew how to unlock his phone.  I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t see what the text said. Reading the conversation and being the romantic that I am, I understand.

It’s not what he said that angered me so, but when he said it. To add to the fun, there was more than one. Six in total. I know I slipped up right at the beginning but I got it together when I believed he deserved one hundred percent – which was really quick, stupid slip up – yes, but it happened. When I saw the first text, then read through them… you know the rabbit hole just sucks you in…I broke a bit. What kept me from breaking too much was the pictures of these ladies. What was that saying from that one comic…..you don’t fuck down, you fuck up. I do have the confidence in myself and what these ladies and their pictures (multiple might I add of all of them-it was seriously a bit extra) revealed of themselves, he went down. I know I’m a bit mental and I made my mistakes, but when it’s worth it, I’m all in. I was all in.

I grabbed my things and left. He was passed out. Had been for awhile. I didn’t say anything; I just left. I’m not going to contact him yet. I’m not ready. I left it on the screen of the conversation. There is a strong possibility he might not get it. He won’t even realize I saw it all. I’m almost slightly offended how stupid he must think I am. I do think it through and question if I can really be upset? I was in a situation and that passion got ahold of me and things got out of control. I forgave myself and moved on. You have to. But this is multiple ladies, and they are getting all the attention that I used to get at the beginning – the very beginning. He said such sweet things to them. I admit I’m jealous. One of them-Stephanie, I have heard about because he likes to talk about his exes sometimes. She was the one before me who moved to Kentucky. He gave her money to help her move and gave her more money when her things got stolen, and I had an internal issue, but he was helping a friend and I didn’t want to think too much into it to save myself the stress. He wrote…

“I loved you. I wish I had the stones to tell you when you where in my arms. You are and will always be my mountain flower.”

Like, (grasping my chest) ouch-my pride. Such lovely emotion, but not towards me. His words were so beautiful to her. I was with him the night he sent her that, which was last night. It really sucks seeing you were with him when all these conversations were taking place. I can recall the exact place I was when he was talking to them. Many times right beside him. I’m just a bit broken. I know it’s caddy, but I think I’m able to keep a terrifyingly calm about this because I feel I am and look a decent bit better than these girls. It’s horrible to say. I should feel bad about it, but it’s all I got. I believe in this circumstance though, it is allowed.

You know what that extra little jab was – he sent her a text every morning and every night, and he called her, “my mountain flower,” in each one. Attention like that didn’t come to me.

I’m going to be still for awhile and meditate on this.

I swear I’m worth it, all of it, but maybe just not to him.

A bit broken,

Mental Case

How Mental Got Her Groove Back

Ever have an amazing epiphany that changes everything? Totally happening to me right now.

I don’t know why I’m trippin’ so much lately. Well, I know I have the mental thing going on, but it still shouldn’t be as bad. I have been thinking too much about my relationship and purpose in life and just whiny and….. Girl Get It Together! I needed to get over some shit and I finally built that bridge.

Took long enough – jeez.

I was listening to a song yesterday and one of the lyrics really stuck with me. It just made me realize I am the master of this sea of crazy in my head. I’m fucking Neptune in this bitch. Fuck with me. My perspective on life and relationships is changing and it’s so much better. I feel like so much weight has been lifted off of me.

When it comes to my relationship with Red, I have had a few crazy girl moments. Obviously. I changed the perspective of how I’m looking at things and I gained some much needed confidence back in myself. I think that’s what was missing. I had no confidence in myself and that stems from years of being overweight and putting myself down and letting others put me down. I know that’s not a problem that will automatically get fixed overnight, but….. (and this is going to sound so vain but dammit I needed it)….I saw myself in the mirror and damn – I look good. Like, I look really good. I’m gorgeous and I have so much going for me. I’m very well educated, I have a great sense of humor, I have a great job, I have a bad ass 6-speed muscle car, I get on well with everyone, I have the most amazing emerald green eyes, my hair is lux, I take good care of myself now, and I’m totally worth it. I have been putting in effort to get a compliment out of him and why? I can just compliment my damn self.

Girl you lovely and have eyes that can hypnotize!

Do you realize you haven’t had to open a door for yourself in any public space since you moved here?

You make men blush with just a smile. Honey, you got IT.

When you wear that black velvet mini dress tonight – Yaaaasssss! Queen! Slay!

Ok, I’m done.

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I was completely twizted there for a bit. Thank goodness I woke up. I just need to stop trying so hard. I have him. I win. My mom would even tell me I could do better. Even though she adores Red, she knows I could really upgrade if I wanted. But how could he see me as a beautiful amazing creature if I don’t see myself that way – ya know?

(Oh I also started therapy, and he was amazed at my self-awareness of what my problems were and why they aren’t being fixed. I thought everyone was like that. Don’t we all know our problems and find ways to distract ourselves from them so we don’t have to fix them yet?)

I do completely agree and understand that I can not drink alcohol. I have a drinking problem. It’s not that I was drinking everyday, but when I did drink, I couldn’t stop until I was blackout drunk. Then, I would be depressed and sick and in a dark place for days. I really can’t drink. It’s not for me. I’m Bipolar – with the platinum edition upgrade pack. What was I thinking drinking all that alcohol knowing it was going to be a disaster every time? Oh yea – Crazy.  Now, smoking green on the other hand might still need to be done for a little bit longer. It would just throw me a bit too out of whack to stop 2 vices at once. One at time is the best way with this mental case.

I still have a long way to go. Working with a therapist and taking it day by day is really my formula for success. I see my therapist like bumper rails on the bowling lane. It helps to have someone there to guide you back to where you need to be to keep moving forward.

Changing my diet has also really improved my physical, but also my mental health. I have cut out all processed foods, dairy, gluten, and sugar. I haven’t been able to tolerate dairy, gluten, or sugar really well since the surgery so that wasn’t too bad to cut out. Especially sugar. I couldn’t do anything sweet, unless it was wine. I still have about 30 lbs left to lose to reach my personal goal. I will get there by my 30th birthday and I’m going to look amazing. I’m entering the next decade of my life in style. I already have the shoes, so you know it will happen lol.

I’m taking back control and I’m killing it! If I fall, I have the support and drive to dust myself off and keep on moving. I’m still a bit mental, but a fun mental instead of the depressed paranoid version. The adventure is finally getting exciting.

I’m Fucking Neptune,

Mental Case