The Fall

Ever have something bad happen and not know how to come back? Totally happened and still happening to me.

I know you must be thinking – bad things happen to everyone and you just need to suck it up and get over it. But in all reality that is one of the easiest thoughts to have that is also one of the most impossible to bring into reality.

In a very short span of time I lost everything I held very dear to me. Yes, they were only things, but they brought me joy. Joy is very hard for me to come by these days. I learned to live without them and thought I was going to be ok and get through this. I kept thinking it was a depression cycle and the sun will shine again and my days will be bright and full of happiness. Those thoughts were very short lived.

What hurts the most…. more than anything else… is the loneliness. Part of it I bring on myself and I will get to that bit but the rest is hard to deal with. It’s hard not having anyone and feeling like if something happened to you, no one would know. I’m terrified of something happening to me at home and no one would bother to check up on me for weeks. It’s a scary thought to think that I am that alone.

I build up the courage and reach out to see people but they always cancel or have something better to do. I get druken texts from my ex – Red – and then he acts like I don’t exist and I was a complete mistake the next day. My phone never rings, or dings, or beeps with any notifications for weeks. It’s lonely and it hurts when you are a person that needs contact with other people. I honestly enjoy going to work every day because I know people are going to be there that talk to me and actually see me. They don’t see through me or make me feel like I am mistake. My coworkers ask how I can come to work every day with smile on my face and greet them with the most pleasant “Good Morning” and no matter what is asked of me, I never complain. I wish I could tell them the truth and respond, “because out side of this office, I don’t matter.” But of course I can’t say that, I just respond a classic, “just glad I get to live another day.” When really I’m dreading the end of the day when I walk out that door and I don’t matter to anyone any more.

Now the part of loneliness I bring on myself is because I wound up in an affair. I know, I know, I’m a horrible person. It happens. When you’re at your darkest point and someone reaches out to embrace you, you really don’t care. You just want to feel arms wrapped around you and your whole body warm from a few simple kind words. If you couldn’t tell, it’s not like I see him much. I am still alone and have to hold my teddy bear to fall asleep at night. I get the classic lines from him too – and they are good ones. My favorite is, “I’m talking to a divorce lawyer,” or “I really can’t take it anymore.” Oh, they are magnificent. Dude, I know he isn’t going to leave her, not anytime soon at least. I don’t need the hope, I just need the company or the thought someone is thinking of me. I’m not getting it in the best way, but I’m not sleeping around all over the place either. My favorite thing that he does is text me how beautiful I look every morning. Oh did I mention I work with him. Yeah, the plot is thick honey. Last time I was really depressed, you know he showed up at my house with flowers and one of his t-shirts for me to sleep in. He helped me move when no one else would and I didn’t have the money to pay for movers. I let him complain to me about his wife when I really have no remorse. I mean if how she was, was really a problem he would change it. But he doesn’t hear that from me. He just needs someone to vent to and tell him – that sucks – and he has no one. On one hand it’s very bad and on the other we are a support system for each other. It does effect me a bit more because I am the one alone with no real person to talk to. I have this blog that I have been neglecting because I lost my desire to write. I lost my desire to feel – anything. I could easily become an alcoholic. Only if I had a lot of money. Then I could just drink beer (all I like is beer) and lounge around and tell the world to fuck it, and be driven around like Daisy. I would love for someone to just drive me around places.

All joking aside, I know I have to end the affair. I’m not stable enough to right now. I think if I lost him, I would really lose my mind. He is the only one I have that would think someone is wrong if I disappeared. Seriously, what has my life become?

Fuck it, I’m going back to smoking weed. This feeling the woes of my existence crap is not helping. Here’s the plan- I’m going back to smoking and I’m going to learn to play the guitar my dad got me and I’m going to pour my feelings into music. I mean why not? It’s time to try something new. Well, that is where I’m at now. At least I’m back to writing so there’s my start.

I’m falling and I really don’t know how to get back up,

Mental Case

Advertisements

Are You Actually Being Serious

Ever get to turn down a rich powerful CEO who thought he could still get something from you? Oh Yes! It finally happened to me!

Oh honey, it’s like the best feeling in the whole wide world. It might just feel really good right now because I heard these 2 ladies I work with talking about me earlier and they were not saying very nice things. A lot was about my weight. One that really kind of hurt was, “she wasted all that money on weight loss surgery to still be fat.”

Like really? Excuse me ma’am, who the fuck do you think you are?

I didn’t say anything. I’m an angel just flying over the bullshit. When I turned around and walked away, I heard a gasp. I was just stopping by to explain an invoice one of ladies left in my office asking for me to find where it came from. Didn’t know it was a Hate on Mental party.

(I know you are wondering what happened with Red, and I will get there – promise. )

That got me a bit down, but then something magical happened. My old boss called me from my last job (you know the one I was sleeping with and had the wife that was my supervisor – in the first post if you missed it). I don’t know why I answered, but something compelled me to do so. He is in town for business and wanted to meet up for drinks and, in his own words, “your specialties hehe.” Like really? I had to find another job in different state because of you and you’re going to call me up and ask for my specialties, like right off dick. Are you actually being serious? I got to do a Oh-No-You-Didn’t-Hair-Flip and tell him to fuck off. Does feel pretty good. But with the ups do come the downs.

Ok, I need get out the Red mess. I know I need to, I just don’t want to. See what had happened was…..

After I left that morning. He didn’t even know I read those messages. He sent me a text later saying that trees were down everywhere at his work and power was out in a few cabins. In my crazy, but brilliant, girl way I responded, “It was a crazy storm my mountain flower.” Five minutes later my phones starts ringing. I didn’t answer and hit the ignore button every time. He sent a text asking to talk. I was at work and didn’t want to deal with that mess yet, so I told him I would call him when I got off work. When I called him, he said he made a mistake when he was drunk and he never should have sent those messages and he doesn’t know what he was thinking. I responded, ” I had to ask you to tell me I looked nice and you go and give up compliments and beautiful words to girls who couldn’t care less about you.” He then went on this explanation of how awful his past relationships are and he was always used to being yelled at. I stopped him and said, “just because the people you chose to be with in your past were shit, doesn’t mean I’m going to be the same way. I’m an amazing person. I support you. I appreciate you. I respect you. I make you laugh. I held you when you cried. I do things without you asking. I listened when you needed to vent. I listened to you talk about your exes and took it like a fucking champ. I don’t need you in the least but choose to be with you. I love you. And in return you take me for granted and think I’m a fucking idiot and give/seek attention from other girls. Do I not deserve it?” I didn’t hear from him any more that night.

—————————————-

He showed up at my house and when I opened the door he dropped to his knees and gave the most heart felt apology that made me feel like he really did love me and was terrified to lose me. We just held each other for awhile and didn’t say a word. It felt like being home wrapped in his arms…..

Then, I woke up and realized it was a dream and immediately when to the freezer to seek comfort from the only men who have always been there for me – Ben & Jerry. Oh, they know my heart. I’m still a bit lost when it comes to Red. It’s hard to explain. When your brain and heart never agree, life can be a bit complicated. I don’t know the future, so what comes next is a complete mystery. I just hope it feels better than this.

Masking my sadness like a ninja,

Mental Case

 

My Mountain Flower

Ever realize you’re too smart for your own good? Totally happened to me.

Alright, so I had a slight crazy girl moment……

Warranted something was a bit off, and he greatly underestimates me……….his phone went off and I saw the text. I’m a smart lady, I knew how to unlock his phone.  I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t see what the text said. Reading the conversation and being the romantic that I am, I understand.

It’s not what he said that angered me so, but when he said it. To add to the fun, there was more than one. Six in total. I know I slipped up right at the beginning but I got it together when I believed he deserved one hundred percent – which was really quick, stupid slip up – yes, but it happened. When I saw the first text, then read through them… you know the rabbit hole just sucks you in…I broke a bit. What kept me from breaking too much was the pictures of these ladies. What was that saying from that one comic…..you don’t fuck down, you fuck up. I do have the confidence in myself and what these ladies and their pictures (multiple might I add of all of them-it was seriously a bit extra) revealed of themselves, he went down. I know I’m a bit mental and I made my mistakes, but when it’s worth it, I’m all in. I was all in.

I grabbed my things and left. He was passed out. Had been for awhile. I didn’t say anything; I just left. I’m not going to contact him yet. I’m not ready. I left it on the screen of the conversation. There is a strong possibility he might not get it. He won’t even realize I saw it all. I’m almost slightly offended how stupid he must think I am. I do think it through and question if I can really be upset? I was in a situation and that passion got ahold of me and things got out of control. I forgave myself and moved on. You have to. But this is multiple ladies, and they are getting all the attention that I used to get at the beginning – the very beginning. He said such sweet things to them. I admit I’m jealous. One of them-Stephanie, I have heard about because he likes to talk about his exes sometimes. She was the one before me who moved to Kentucky. He gave her money to help her move and gave her more money when her things got stolen, and I had an internal issue, but he was helping a friend and I didn’t want to think too much into it to save myself the stress. He wrote…

“I loved you. I wish I had the stones to tell you when you where in my arms. You are and will always be my mountain flower.”

Like, (grasping my chest) ouch-my pride. Such lovely emotion, but not towards me. His words were so beautiful to her. I was with him the night he sent her that, which was last night. It really sucks seeing you were with him when all these conversations were taking place. I can recall the exact place I was when he was talking to them. Many times right beside him. I’m just a bit broken. I know it’s caddy, but I think I’m able to keep a terrifyingly calm about this because I feel I am and look a decent bit better than these girls. It’s horrible to say. I should feel bad about it, but it’s all I got. I believe in this circumstance though, it is allowed.

You know what that extra little jab was – he sent her a text every morning and every night, and he called her, “my mountain flower,” in each one. Attention like that didn’t come to me.

I’m going to be still for awhile and meditate on this.

I swear I’m worth it, all of it, but maybe just not to him.

A bit broken,

Mental Case

Let Me Explain

Ever realize you’re a bit more crazy than the average bear and if anyone really knew you would be judged so hard into a black hole of shame you just bury it deep and hope for the best? Totally happening to me. Let me explain…

I don’t exactly have to start at the beginning but I do need to start one year ago on May 10th 2016. I had weight loss surgery this day so it was a new beginning. A new start from all the bad decisions I made and I was determined to be a better me. I quite my job that was sucking the life out of me because I was sleeping with the CEO and having to work on his wife’s team (of course she had to work there too)  and she already hated me, but didn’t really know why. She never found out, she just knew she didn’t like me and that meant make my life hell. Can’t get mad at that, right? I deserved it. Anyway, not the best decision but I did get a few things out of the affair and did leave that job to relax and heal and work on changing almost everything about me for the better. I was able to stop drinking for awhile, but I continued smoking pot because I really didn’t want to deal with the demons yet. I thought I could, but when they started to surface from the deep abyss I buried them in, I was not mentally strong enough to handle it. So back in the metaphorical black abyss they went. It took a lot of bowls of high grade stuff to get them back in. Then, I just became a recluse and stayed at home until I decided to move to a different state and start a new life because I was totally stable enough to do that (oh the sarcastic thoughts).

So let’s recap what I have been doing since I moved and then you will pretty much caught up to present day.

I was offered a job in a different state and moved away from my family, friends, and everything that was familiar. By the time I moved, I had lost about 70lbs. I was feeling good about myself and started receiving attention from men that I had never experienced before. It was strange. Really, everyone I met was so pleasant and quite nice to me. It was weird. It still kind of is sometimes, but nothing too bad. I continued losing weight and decided it was time to finally start meeting people and date and be normal instead of caught up in some soul-sucking affair. Dating was awful. Completely terrible. I learned the signs he is just into sex and that UBER is really emergency date rescue. I did pick up some great conversational skills, so not all bad. Those are skills that come very handy in life. I finally found someone I don’t need in the least, but want to be with him and I have fallen head over heels for him. Before him I dated two guys. One with 2 kids who I really enjoyed being around and the other a much older guy with a mountain sized pile of baggage.

We’re just going to call him, 2 Kids. We dated for a little over 2 months and things were pretty good, but he actually liked larger girls and said I was too skinny for him. Talk about an epic back handed complement. He broke up with me in a text on Christmas Eve saying he was getting back with the baby mama and I needed to come get my things at his house. I was drunk for about 3 days straight after that. I don’t remember Christmas at all. I know I was sober for the family functions but once I got to leave I was pouring the wine. My mom allowed it and just supervised and made sure I ate. Once I got through that break up, I was single for a bit until I met this older guy. He was only 18 years older than me, which isn’t that bad if you consider I have dated a bit older.

We’re going to call him Baggage. Baggage was still married, but separated. The ex-wife was still living in the same house and they were still sleeping in the same bed and having sex up until a few day before our first date. I told you – mountain sized pile of baggage. There were kids too, but they didn’t know their parents were splitting up and their mom had been seeing another man for the past 5 months while still sleeping with Baggage. I stupidly put up with it for a little bit because, well, the sex was amazing. I know that isn’t the best excuse, but when you find someone that can ring your bell like he did, you kind of block out everything else. He ended up breaking up with me in a text too and regretted it about 2 weeks later and wanted me back. He didn’t think I would move on so fast, and I certainly didn’t think I would meet anyone so soon. But When you’re a hopeless romantic, you kind of move on fast and don’t even realize what is going on. I had a date lined up when Baggage asked me back and he wasn’t happy but encouraged me to go. We were trying to keep some friendship because he really didn’t want me completely out of his life. He was really easy to talk to and never judged me. We still talk every now and then.

The guy I had a date with, we’ll call him Red, turned out to be really amazing. My dream guy was real and I had found him. We’ve been together about two months now and he almost broke up with me last week. He said he wasn’t really looking for a relationship and didn’t expect me to come into his life. When he said that on the phone my heart just sank and an I just felt nauseous. He told me to come over so we can talk and I was a bit of a nervous wreck on the way over. I was preparing myself for the – it’s not you, it’s me and you will find someone so great some day – kind of discussion. I kind of been dumped more than I’d like to admit so I knew if he was going to use a cliche breakup line, it would have been that exact one. When I walked in the door he was sitting on the couch and stood up and said, “I’m a fucking idiot and just ignore everything I said.” That had never happened to me before and I was a little in shock. He said he loved me and we had a really nice night together. I really do love him and try not to think about the future and what might could happen, because well that could drive someone crazy. I try to stick to the present and just enjoy our relationship now and he makes me want to be a better person, so I’m working on bettering myself for the possibility of a future with him. But if you have been reading this so far, you know I’m going to royally fuck up and you would be 100% correct.

I actually fucked up twice but he only knows of the one. One way I fucked up that he was present for, I hadn’t really been drinking in a while because it’s very difficult to lose weight when drinking an unhealthy amount and I can’t just have one or two. I pretty much drink until the alcohol is gone except on a few occasions. I have a problem, I know, but I’m working on it. Things had been a bit stressful at work and with family so I decided that it was the perfect time to drink. Beverage of choice was a delicious Pinot Grigio. The worst possible thing you could do when drinking and staying at someone else’s house is what class…….? Say stupid things? No. Get in a fight? No. Puke on your boyfriend while performing fellatio because he busted a huge load in your mouth? Nope. Those are things you could possible forget, or on that last one, he could even take a bit of pride in saying he was so big he couldn’t help but hit that gag reflex deep in your throat. Pissing yourself in your boyfriend’s bed while he is on the edge of breaking up with you is pretty much the worst thing you could do in this scenario, and is exactly what happened. To add to it, I fell asleep sitting up holding a full bottle of opened water and it spilled down my shirt and all in my lap (could have been the reason I peed, but I don’t know, I’d like to think so). I seriously cried. I thought he was going to kick me out and never speak to me again. He was surprisingly cool and made a few comments that felt like a slap in the face, but they were deserving. I hadn’t done that since college (days of learning the limits). I didn’t even drink that much, about a bottle and a half of wine, well for me that wasn’t much at all. I quite drinking that day. That shame is still with me, but with everyday it dissipates a little bit more. Remember I said I fucked up twice. When the second one is really bad.

I’ll explain more into that one a bit later. Probably one of the worst things I’ve ever done and I’ve done some horrible stuff. Not ready to share that one yet.

I’ve stop drinking and smoking and I can feel the demons clawing their way up slowly to the Deal With It arena where the battles will commence . Going further with this diary will be me dealing with my demons and everyday life with a seriously crazy brain that I refuse to take medication to dull it down. Doctors give me anxiety and I bet we will touch on that soon.

Feeling slightly less stressed,

Mental Case.