The Fall

Ever have something bad happen and not know how to come back? Totally happened and still happening to me.

I know you must be thinking – bad things happen to everyone and you just need to suck it up and get over it. But in all reality that is one of the easiest thoughts to have that is also one of the most impossible to bring into reality.

In a very short span of time I lost everything I held very dear to me. Yes, they were only things, but they brought me joy. Joy is very hard for me to come by these days. I learned to live without them and thought I was going to be ok and get through this. I kept thinking it was a depression cycle and the sun will shine again and my days will be bright and full of happiness. Those thoughts were very short lived.

What hurts the most…. more than anything else… is the loneliness. Part of it I bring on myself and I will get to that bit but the rest is hard to deal with. It’s hard not having anyone and feeling like if something happened to you, no one would know. I’m terrified of something happening to me at home and no one would bother to check up on me for weeks. It’s a scary thought to think that I am that alone.

I build up the courage and reach out to see people but they always cancel or have something better to do. I get druken texts from my ex – Red – and then he acts like I don’t exist and I was a complete mistake the next day. My phone never rings, or dings, or beeps with any notifications for weeks. It’s lonely and it hurts when you are a person that needs contact with other people. I honestly enjoy going to work every day because I know people are going to be there that talk to me and actually see me. They don’t see through me or make me feel like I am mistake. My coworkers ask how I can come to work every day with smile on my face and greet them with the most pleasant “Good Morning” and no matter what is asked of me, I never complain. I wish I could tell them the truth and respond, “because out side of this office, I don’t matter.” But of course I can’t say that, I just respond a classic, “just glad I get to live another day.” When really I’m dreading the end of the day when I walk out that door and I don’t matter to anyone any more.

Now the part of loneliness I bring on myself is because I wound up in an affair. I know, I know, I’m a horrible person. It happens. When you’re at your darkest point and someone reaches out to embrace you, you really don’t care. You just want to feel arms wrapped around you and your whole body warm from a few simple kind words. If you couldn’t tell, it’s not like I see him much. I am still alone and have to hold my teddy bear to fall asleep at night. I get the classic lines from him too – and they are good ones. My favorite is, “I’m talking to a divorce lawyer,” or “I really can’t take it anymore.” Oh, they are magnificent. Dude, I know he isn’t going to leave her, not anytime soon at least. I don’t need the hope, I just need the company or the thought someone is thinking of me. I’m not getting it in the best way, but I’m not sleeping around all over the place either. My favorite thing that he does is text me how beautiful I look every morning. Oh did I mention I work with him. Yeah, the plot is thick honey. Last time I was really depressed, you know he showed up at my house with flowers and one of his t-shirts for me to sleep in. He helped me move when no one else would and I didn’t have the money to pay for movers. I let him complain to me about his wife when I really have no remorse. I mean if how she was, was really a problem he would change it. But he doesn’t hear that from me. He just needs someone to vent to and tell him – that sucks – and he has no one. On one hand it’s very bad and on the other we are a support system for each other. It does effect me a bit more because I am the one alone with no real person to talk to. I have this blog that I have been neglecting because I lost my desire to write. I lost my desire to feel – anything. I could easily become an alcoholic. Only if I had a lot of money. Then I could just drink beer (all I like is beer) and lounge around and tell the world to fuck it, and be driven around like Daisy. I would love for someone to just drive me around places.

All joking aside, I know I have to end the affair. I’m not stable enough to right now. I think if I lost him, I would really lose my mind. He is the only one I have that would think someone is wrong if I disappeared. Seriously, what has my life become?

Fuck it, I’m going back to smoking weed. This feeling the woes of my existence crap is not helping. Here’s the plan- I’m going back to smoking and I’m going to learn to play the guitar my dad got me and I’m going to pour my feelings into music. I mean why not? It’s time to try something new. Well, that is where I’m at now. At least I’m back to writing so there’s my start.

I’m falling and I really don’t know how to get back up,

Mental Case

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Are You Actually Being Serious

Ever get to turn down a rich powerful CEO who thought he could still get something from you? Oh Yes! It finally happened to me!

Oh honey, it’s like the best feeling in the whole wide world. It might just feel really good right now because I heard these 2 ladies I work with talking about me earlier and they were not saying very nice things. A lot was about my weight. One that really kind of hurt was, “she wasted all that money on weight loss surgery to still be fat.”

Like really? Excuse me ma’am, who the fuck do you think you are?

I didn’t say anything. I’m an angel just flying over the bullshit. When I turned around and walked away, I heard a gasp. I was just stopping by to explain an invoice one of ladies left in my office asking for me to find where it came from. Didn’t know it was a Hate on Mental party.

(I know you are wondering what happened with Red, and I will get there – promise. )

That got me a bit down, but then something magical happened. My old boss called me from my last job (you know the one I was sleeping with and had the wife that was my supervisor – in the first post if you missed it). I don’t know why I answered, but something compelled me to do so. He is in town for business and wanted to meet up for drinks and, in his own words, “your specialties hehe.” Like really? I had to find another job in different state because of you and you’re going to call me up and ask for my specialties, like right off dick. Are you actually being serious? I got to do a Oh-No-You-Didn’t-Hair-Flip and tell him to fuck off. Does feel pretty good. But with the ups do come the downs.

Ok, I need get out the Red mess. I know I need to, I just don’t want to. See what had happened was…..

After I left that morning. He didn’t even know I read those messages. He sent me a text later saying that trees were down everywhere at his work and power was out in a few cabins. In my crazy, but brilliant, girl way I responded, “It was a crazy storm my mountain flower.” Five minutes later my phones starts ringing. I didn’t answer and hit the ignore button every time. He sent a text asking to talk. I was at work and didn’t want to deal with that mess yet, so I told him I would call him when I got off work. When I called him, he said he made a mistake when he was drunk and he never should have sent those messages and he doesn’t know what he was thinking. I responded, ” I had to ask you to tell me I looked nice and you go and give up compliments and beautiful words to girls who couldn’t care less about you.” He then went on this explanation of how awful his past relationships are and he was always used to being yelled at. I stopped him and said, “just because the people you chose to be with in your past were shit, doesn’t mean I’m going to be the same way. I’m an amazing person. I support you. I appreciate you. I respect you. I make you laugh. I held you when you cried. I do things without you asking. I listened when you needed to vent. I listened to you talk about your exes and took it like a fucking champ. I don’t need you in the least but choose to be with you. I love you. And in return you take me for granted and think I’m a fucking idiot and give/seek attention from other girls. Do I not deserve it?” I didn’t hear from him any more that night.

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He showed up at my house and when I opened the door he dropped to his knees and gave the most heart felt apology that made me feel like he really did love me and was terrified to lose me. We just held each other for awhile and didn’t say a word. It felt like being home wrapped in his arms…..

Then, I woke up and realized it was a dream and immediately when to the freezer to seek comfort from the only men who have always been there for me – Ben & Jerry. Oh, they know my heart. I’m still a bit lost when it comes to Red. It’s hard to explain. When your brain and heart never agree, life can be a bit complicated. I don’t know the future, so what comes next is a complete mystery. I just hope it feels better than this.

Masking my sadness like a ninja,

Mental Case

 

My Mountain Flower

Ever realize you’re too smart for your own good? Totally happened to me.

Alright, so I had a slight crazy girl moment……

Warranted something was a bit off, and he greatly underestimates me……….his phone went off and I saw the text. I’m a smart lady, I knew how to unlock his phone.  I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t see what the text said. Reading the conversation and being the romantic that I am, I understand.

It’s not what he said that angered me so, but when he said it. To add to the fun, there was more than one. Six in total. I know I slipped up right at the beginning but I got it together when I believed he deserved one hundred percent – which was really quick, stupid slip up – yes, but it happened. When I saw the first text, then read through them… you know the rabbit hole just sucks you in…I broke a bit. What kept me from breaking too much was the pictures of these ladies. What was that saying from that one comic…..you don’t fuck down, you fuck up. I do have the confidence in myself and what these ladies and their pictures (multiple might I add of all of them-it was seriously a bit extra) revealed of themselves, he went down. I know I’m a bit mental and I made my mistakes, but when it’s worth it, I’m all in. I was all in.

I grabbed my things and left. He was passed out. Had been for awhile. I didn’t say anything; I just left. I’m not going to contact him yet. I’m not ready. I left it on the screen of the conversation. There is a strong possibility he might not get it. He won’t even realize I saw it all. I’m almost slightly offended how stupid he must think I am. I do think it through and question if I can really be upset? I was in a situation and that passion got ahold of me and things got out of control. I forgave myself and moved on. You have to. But this is multiple ladies, and they are getting all the attention that I used to get at the beginning – the very beginning. He said such sweet things to them. I admit I’m jealous. One of them-Stephanie, I have heard about because he likes to talk about his exes sometimes. She was the one before me who moved to Kentucky. He gave her money to help her move and gave her more money when her things got stolen, and I had an internal issue, but he was helping a friend and I didn’t want to think too much into it to save myself the stress. He wrote…

“I loved you. I wish I had the stones to tell you when you where in my arms. You are and will always be my mountain flower.”

Like, (grasping my chest) ouch-my pride. Such lovely emotion, but not towards me. His words were so beautiful to her. I was with him the night he sent her that, which was last night. It really sucks seeing you were with him when all these conversations were taking place. I can recall the exact place I was when he was talking to them. Many times right beside him. I’m just a bit broken. I know it’s caddy, but I think I’m able to keep a terrifyingly calm about this because I feel I am and look a decent bit better than these girls. It’s horrible to say. I should feel bad about it, but it’s all I got. I believe in this circumstance though, it is allowed.

You know what that extra little jab was – he sent her a text every morning and every night, and he called her, “my mountain flower,” in each one. Attention like that didn’t come to me.

I’m going to be still for awhile and meditate on this.

I swear I’m worth it, all of it, but maybe just not to him.

A bit broken,

Mental Case

How Mental Got Her Groove Back

Ever have an amazing epiphany that changes everything? Totally happening to me right now.

I don’t know why I’m trippin’ so much lately. Well, I know I have the mental thing going on, but it still shouldn’t be as bad. I have been thinking too much about my relationship and purpose in life and just whiny and….. Girl Get It Together! I needed to get over some shit and I finally built that bridge.

Took long enough – jeez.

I was listening to a song yesterday and one of the lyrics really stuck with me. It just made me realize I am the master of this sea of crazy in my head. I’m fucking Neptune in this bitch. Fuck with me. My perspective on life and relationships is changing and it’s so much better. I feel like so much weight has been lifted off of me.

When it comes to my relationship with Red, I have had a few crazy girl moments. Obviously. I changed the perspective of how I’m looking at things and I gained some much needed confidence back in myself. I think that’s what was missing. I had no confidence in myself and that stems from years of being overweight and putting myself down and letting others put me down. I know that’s not a problem that will automatically get fixed overnight, but….. (and this is going to sound so vain but dammit I needed it)….I saw myself in the mirror and damn – I look good. Like, I look really good. I’m gorgeous and I have so much going for me. I’m very well educated, I have a great sense of humor, I have a great job, I have a bad ass 6-speed muscle car, I get on well with everyone, I have the most amazing emerald green eyes, my hair is lux, I take good care of myself now, and I’m totally worth it. I have been putting in effort to get a compliment out of him and why? I can just compliment my damn self.

Girl you lovely and have eyes that can hypnotize!

Do you realize you haven’t had to open a door for yourself in any public space since you moved here?

You make men blush with just a smile. Honey, you got IT.

When you wear that black velvet mini dress tonight – Yaaaasssss! Queen! Slay!

Ok, I’m done.

——————————

I was completely twizted there for a bit. Thank goodness I woke up. I just need to stop trying so hard. I have him. I win. My mom would even tell me I could do better. Even though she adores Red, she knows I could really upgrade if I wanted. But how could he see me as a beautiful amazing creature if I don’t see myself that way – ya know?

(Oh I also started therapy, and he was amazed at my self-awareness of what my problems were and why they aren’t being fixed. I thought everyone was like that. Don’t we all know our problems and find ways to distract ourselves from them so we don’t have to fix them yet?)

I do completely agree and understand that I can not drink alcohol. I have a drinking problem. It’s not that I was drinking everyday, but when I did drink, I couldn’t stop until I was blackout drunk. Then, I would be depressed and sick and in a dark place for days. I really can’t drink. It’s not for me. I’m Bipolar – with the platinum edition upgrade pack. What was I thinking drinking all that alcohol knowing it was going to be a disaster every time? Oh yea – Crazy.  Now, smoking green on the other hand might still need to be done for a little bit longer. It would just throw me a bit too out of whack to stop 2 vices at once. One at time is the best way with this mental case.

I still have a long way to go. Working with a therapist and taking it day by day is really my formula for success. I see my therapist like bumper rails on the bowling lane. It helps to have someone there to guide you back to where you need to be to keep moving forward.

Changing my diet has also really improved my physical, but also my mental health. I have cut out all processed foods, dairy, gluten, and sugar. I haven’t been able to tolerate dairy, gluten, or sugar really well since the surgery so that wasn’t too bad to cut out. Especially sugar. I couldn’t do anything sweet, unless it was wine. I still have about 30 lbs left to lose to reach my personal goal. I will get there by my 30th birthday and I’m going to look amazing. I’m entering the next decade of my life in style. I already have the shoes, so you know it will happen lol.

I’m taking back control and I’m killing it! If I fall, I have the support and drive to dust myself off and keep on moving. I’m still a bit mental, but a fun mental instead of the depressed paranoid version. The adventure is finally getting exciting.

I’m Fucking Neptune,

Mental Case

Call Me Pete, Re-Pete

Ever listen to a song and you need to hear it over and over again because it distracts your brain from thinking to much, then watch the music video over and over, then download the whole album and…well you get it? Totally happening to me right now.

(and it’s Sign of the Times by Harry Styles, then I watched the video, then I downloaded the album and have just been letting it play all day on repeat. Yesterday it was Ask Me How I Know by Garth Brooks).

I’ve noticed I get in the repeat modes when I can’t slow my thoughts down enough to process them or I have obsessive thoughts that drive me crazy. I find songs that kind of calm down my mind enough for me to get through it. Lately the big issue is I don’t want to end up alone. Most people can function alone and don’t need anyone and are completely content with independence, and that’s not me. I remember a therapy session a while back when my therapist said I have dependency issues and I need to do more things alone and enjoy being with just myself. I think there is more to it than that and I don’t see it as a bad thing. Plus, it helps for me to have someone around because I am clumsy and trip and fall all the time. Just once it would be nice for someone to catch me (like that perfect moment in the romcom lol). Back to what I was saying….

I had a really bad break down about 4 years ago. I didn’t speak for 4 months and was in a hospital for about 6 months all together. In that time I was a bit trapped in my head and really couldn’t discern reality from dreaming. I knew things were real when someone was around me because I could sense their emotions. When what I was seeing wasn’t real, I couldn’t sense that emotion. It wasn’t just family either. It was with doctors and nurses and really anyone that came around me. I basically needed someone close to me so I knew what was real and that I wasn’t dreaming. I still need someone close to me or my mind starts releasing a flood of thoughts and I can’t control it. I have been successful in finding a few ways to help me control it but those options aren’t always available to me.

I am at my most calm lying with my head on Red’s chest and I can hear his heartbeat. It’s like a stop light going off in my head and everything freezes and the most comforting wave of calm washes over me. It’s my favorite way to fall asleep. But the nights that I stay at home alone are always hard. Playing songs on repeat, knitting, coloring, and cleaning do provide some relief but it never lasts long. I need a tv on to fall asleep because hearing people talk helps distract me. I can’t handle silence.  Now I’m not talking being up close right next to someone all squished up in their personal bubble. Just in the same space as someone. It just sucks being called clingy. Society pushes this notion that you have to learn to be happy on your own before you can be happy with anyone else, some independent mess, and all that jazz. I don’t fit that. Nothing about me is normal so why do people think I need to be forced into that mold. Can’t I just be the way I am and people are happy with it? When people just let me be I’m actually quite an enjoyable person to be around.

Red is pretty good with me even though he doesn’t know about my bipolarness or really anything about my past. I wonder if he will ever notice he never hears me talk about my past. One reason, he never asks, and the other is I don’t want him knowing a lot of it.  I know a lot of his past and when he was sharing the recent happenings of his ex getting arrested for hitting her new bf and was trying to hit up some of their mutual friends for bail money, I told him I really don’t want to hear about her anymore. I was completely pleasant and just nicely asked to not hear about her. I don’t talk about my crap exes, but I swear next time he brings her up I’ll play the Who Had The Worst Ex game with him and completely destroy him. I know he doesn’t tell me these stories to make me upset, he just wants someone to know how horrible it was, ya know. I get that. It did make him feel better knowing how great he has it now. He told me that. But a part of me was just slightly dying on the inside because I was thinking – does he have it better? Am I better? I really want to think so and I believe a bit more time I will definitely know for sure. He has told me I am the girl he never thought he would find and that is very comforting, but I have a crazy girl brain and even though he told me that I can’t just believe it like right off dick.

I know what really makes me a bit nervous and worry too much is that I haven’t had a real relationship (like where i’m not just the side action, but like a real one where he isn’t married) that lasted more than 2 months since ….. oh my…… wow since college. His name was Will. We were together for 1 year 4 months and 3 days. That one kind of traumatized me. He cheated on me with my best friend. I found out by walking in on them getting it on in our bed. People say finding out your man is cheating on you really sucks, but there is a deeper level of suckage my friends. Walking in on the love of your life giving it to your best friend really sucks. Oh and I didn’t hold back the crazy either when it happened. I grabbed a baseball bat and ran them out the house naked. They ran down to her place at the end of the road screaming I’m crazy and they were going to call the cops. The police were at my door about 20 minutes later. I had started packing his things at that point and was drinking wine out the bottle. I explained to them what had happened and they agreed it was a shitty thing to discover and were actually quite worried about leaving me alone. I didn’t really have anyone else to come and just sit with me and keep me from doing anything super dangerous, so those officers actually came by my house every few hours to check on me. One even came by after her shift and brought me a bottle of wine.

Now Red and I are headed towards 3 months. That’s a really big deal for me (even though in the full scope of life I know it’s nothing to really get that amped up about). I know I just need to calm down and chill out, but I just get a little excited that this one might actually stick around for awhile. I try and internalize the excitement because that is a lot to expect from someone that has only known me for a short time. He still might send me a random text at any time saying he doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore and leave, but I’m really trying to not think of that and just enjoy us. Thinking of him leaving is one of the worst thoughts I’m dealing with and I try over and over again to tell myself he hasn’t left yet so why worry.  But then that after shock thought pops up saying – but what if he does leave because you’re not good enough. I just need to keep my mind occupied so I don’t think about it. Maybe I’ll bake something. Yes, I think I will. A cheesecake possibly. Maybe with a cocoa crispy marshmallow treat crust. Yep, that is what I will make. Oh wait, fruity pebble marshmallow treat crust — ohhh yes.

I have noticed a difference since starting this diary in not being as impulsive and thinking my actions through before going forth with making really bad decisions. Even though I really don’t have anyone to talk to about everything, I do have this diary/blog thing. It helps to get it out in this medium and when the therapy starts I think things will only get better.

Repeating songs and missing bongs,

Mental Case