Ever realize you’re a bit more crazy than the average bear and if anyone really knew you would be judged so hard into a black hole of shame you just bury it deep and hope for the best? Totally happening to me. Let me explain…
I don’t exactly have to start at the beginning but I do need to start one year ago on May 10th 2016. I had weight loss surgery this day so it was a new beginning. A new start from all the bad decisions I made and I was determined to be a better me. I quite my job that was sucking the life out of me because I was sleeping with the CEO and having to work on his wife’s team (of course she had to work there too) and she already hated me, but didn’t really know why. She never found out, she just knew she didn’t like me and that meant make my life hell. Can’t get mad at that, right? I deserved it. Anyway, not the best decision but I did get a few things out of the affair and did leave that job to relax and heal and work on changing almost everything about me for the better. I was able to stop drinking for awhile, but I continued smoking pot because I really didn’t want to deal with the demons yet. I thought I could, but when they started to surface from the deep abyss I buried them in, I was not mentally strong enough to handle it. So back in the metaphorical black abyss they went. It took a lot of bowls of high grade stuff to get them back in. Then, I just became a recluse and stayed at home until I decided to move to a different state and start a new life because I was totally stable enough to do that (oh the sarcastic thoughts).
So let’s recap what I have been doing since I moved and then you will pretty much caught up to present day.
I was offered a job in a different state and moved away from my family, friends, and everything that was familiar. By the time I moved, I had lost about 70lbs. I was feeling good about myself and started receiving attention from men that I had never experienced before. It was strange. Really, everyone I met was so pleasant and quite nice to me. It was weird. It still kind of is sometimes, but nothing too bad. I continued losing weight and decided it was time to finally start meeting people and date and be normal instead of caught up in some soul-sucking affair. Dating was awful. Completely terrible. I learned the signs he is just into sex and that UBER is really emergency date rescue. I did pick up some great conversational skills, so not all bad. Those are skills that come very handy in life. I finally found someone I don’t need in the least, but want to be with him and I have fallen head over heels for him. Before him I dated two guys. One with 2 kids who I really enjoyed being around and the other a much older guy with a mountain sized pile of baggage.
We’re just going to call him, 2 Kids. We dated for a little over 2 months and things were pretty good, but he actually liked larger girls and said I was too skinny for him. Talk about an epic back handed complement. He broke up with me in a text on Christmas Eve saying he was getting back with the baby mama and I needed to come get my things at his house. I was drunk for about 3 days straight after that. I don’t remember Christmas at all. I know I was sober for the family functions but once I got to leave I was pouring the wine. My mom allowed it and just supervised and made sure I ate. Once I got through that break up, I was single for a bit until I met this older guy. He was only 18 years older than me, which isn’t that bad if you consider I have dated a bit older.
We’re going to call him Baggage. Baggage was still married, but separated. The ex-wife was still living in the same house and they were still sleeping in the same bed and having sex up until a few day before our first date. I told you – mountain sized pile of baggage. There were kids too, but they didn’t know their parents were splitting up and their mom had been seeing another man for the past 5 months while still sleeping with Baggage. I stupidly put up with it for a little bit because, well, the sex was amazing. I know that isn’t the best excuse, but when you find someone that can ring your bell like he did, you kind of block out everything else. He ended up breaking up with me in a text too and regretted it about 2 weeks later and wanted me back. He didn’t think I would move on so fast, and I certainly didn’t think I would meet anyone so soon. But When you’re a hopeless romantic, you kind of move on fast and don’t even realize what is going on. I had a date lined up when Baggage asked me back and he wasn’t happy but encouraged me to go. We were trying to keep some friendship because he really didn’t want me completely out of his life. He was really easy to talk to and never judged me. We still talk every now and then.
The guy I had a date with, we’ll call him Red, turned out to be really amazing. My dream guy was real and I had found him. We’ve been together about two months now and he almost broke up with me last week. He said he wasn’t really looking for a relationship and didn’t expect me to come into his life. When he said that on the phone my heart just sank and an I just felt nauseous. He told me to come over so we can talk and I was a bit of a nervous wreck on the way over. I was preparing myself for the – it’s not you, it’s me and you will find someone so great some day – kind of discussion. I kind of been dumped more than I’d like to admit so I knew if he was going to use a cliche breakup line, it would have been that exact one. When I walked in the door he was sitting on the couch and stood up and said, “I’m a fucking idiot and just ignore everything I said.” That had never happened to me before and I was a little in shock. He said he loved me and we had a really nice night together. I really do love him and try not to think about the future and what might could happen, because well that could drive someone crazy. I try to stick to the present and just enjoy our relationship now and he makes me want to be a better person, so I’m working on bettering myself for the possibility of a future with him. But if you have been reading this so far, you know I’m going to royally fuck up and you would be 100% correct.
I actually fucked up twice but he only knows of the one. One way I fucked up that he was present for, I hadn’t really been drinking in a while because it’s very difficult to lose weight when drinking an unhealthy amount and I can’t just have one or two. I pretty much drink until the alcohol is gone except on a few occasions. I have a problem, I know, but I’m working on it. Things had been a bit stressful at work and with family so I decided that it was the perfect time to drink. Beverage of choice was a delicious Pinot Grigio. The worst possible thing you could do when drinking and staying at someone else’s house is what class…….? Say stupid things? No. Get in a fight? No. Puke on your boyfriend while performing fellatio because he busted a huge load in your mouth? Nope. Those are things you could possible forget, or on that last one, he could even take a bit of pride in saying he was so big he couldn’t help but hit that gag reflex deep in your throat. Pissing yourself in your boyfriend’s bed while he is on the edge of breaking up with you is pretty much the worst thing you could do in this scenario, and is exactly what happened. To add to it, I fell asleep sitting up holding a full bottle of opened water and it spilled down my shirt and all in my lap (could have been the reason I peed, but I don’t know, I’d like to think so). I seriously cried. I thought he was going to kick me out and never speak to me again. He was surprisingly cool and made a few comments that felt like a slap in the face, but they were deserving. I hadn’t done that since college (days of learning the limits). I didn’t even drink that much, about a bottle and a half of wine, well for me that wasn’t much at all. I quite drinking that day. That shame is still with me, but with everyday it dissipates a little bit more. Remember I said I fucked up twice. When the second one is really bad.
I’ll explain more into that one a bit later. Probably one of the worst things I’ve ever done and I’ve done some horrible stuff. Not ready to share that one yet.
I’ve stop drinking and smoking and I can feel the demons clawing their way up slowly to the Deal With It arena where the battles will commence . Going further with this diary will be me dealing with my demons and everyday life with a seriously crazy brain that I refuse to take medication to dull it down. Doctors give me anxiety and I bet we will touch on that soon.
Feeling slightly less stressed,