Wanting A Friend But People Suck So My Wants Are Pointless. Awesome.

Ever just had it? Yeah, that’s where I’m at right now.

Awesome place to be, le’me tell you. I’m just a bit numb to it all at this point. I think that is my mind’s way of coping. Just so much stress was coming down on me at once. The majority of it was self-induced, I admit, but it’s just hard processing all of it at once. Now, I’ve had some time alone to argue with myself and realize a few things. I’m drained. Completely exhausted.

My car stuff is external stress. I had to deal with the bank on that yesterday. I’m trying to pay someone and the bank is preventing me from doing so. They said the fraud department called to verify a check but I was unable to answer when they called. The bank lady on the phone started getting rude because I didn’t answer the call. One – I have an irrational fear of talking on the phone with people I don’t know. Two – They didn’t leave a voicemail. How was I supposed to know they called if I have no message explaining they did so. You seriously think I’m going to call the number back and say “I received a call from this number and I’m trying to figure out what’s up”. Get the fuck out. If you are going to call someone, don’t half ass and hang up after a few rings. Put in maximum effort and leave a message. In it to win it people. But what really gets me is that I verified the check when I wrote it so I wouldn’t have to deal with this. They said it was because the name was written funny. I didn’t have a hard surface to write on when I was writing in the name. But the verification was already done and they read me the note made on the account verifying the check the day before it was deposited. End of the story, I had to re-verify the check when it was already verified. Just..ugh.

So that was fun and I completely believe I am cursed.

Things are getting better and I’m just having a tough go at it right now. The loneliness is what really gets me. It always does when getting over a break-up. I’m used to talking with someone every day and then nothing. What’s worse is when they were the only person you talked to, so the phone never rings. This is a little pathetic, I still take my lunch during the time he would call me everyday, just in case he calls. I know he won’t, but…it’s what I do. I’m almost done building the bridge to get over him. I think this week is going to continue to be crap and next week things are going to start turning around.

I’m totally ready to get back to my normal crazy instead of the emo-crying-sappy-girl version of my crazy. The crying at night isn’t helping the bags under my eyes at all. I’m telling you, realizing how alone I am really hits me at night. I even have two dogs that basically sleep on top of me and I still feel alone. What is this need to be with someone? Oh yeah, I’m almost 30 and I’m freaking the fuck out!

I have started the passport process and sticking to an exercise plan. Totally got that Adulting award in the bag already.
And I haven’t checked my phone to see if he called or texted. If I could split into two, mitosis style, I would give myself a huge hug. I’m going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok. I just need to go to Goodwill and buy up a bunch of glass and ceramic dishes then smash them all to get out my anger I’ve been holding in against him and the world. Wait, I have no where to smash dishes. I feel if I did it at my house the neighbors would call the police and THAT’S JUST NOT COOL, BRUH!

See this is why I need friends! A friend would have a place I could smash dishes. Tonight is going to suck so I will counter with a bubble bath while watching “Two Can Play That Game” and get a bit stoned. Tomorrow is required to be better. You hear me Tomorrow, you will be better!

Wanting a friend but people suck so my wants are pointless,

Mental Case

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Prescription for Heartache: Chicken Nuggets, Cocktails & Chick Flicks

Ever have everything fall apart and crumble in front of you and you can’t do anything but hope it stops at a point where you might possibly be able to salvage something to rebuild? Totally happened to me.

I know I haven’t posted in a bit and there is good reason. The main being I wasn’t ready to deal with everything and I felt like shit. I still feel like shit but I can’t just stare at the ruble and ruin my life has become anymore. Time has come to rebuild. Let’s begin…

Red and I worked things out, stupid I know, but can’t change it now. He still couldn’t bother to show me any affection and gave me excuses why. My favorite was – “I’m just stressed out and dealing with a lot.” I started putting a melody to it and would sing it to him when he asked anything of me. It’s quite catchy and I find myself humming it randomly throughout the day. In my crazy girl brain I thought – well I’ll just support him through this and continue to be kind and things will get better. Of course it didn’t get better. That was a hopeless dream I held onto for way to long. It got way worse.

So, as I’m experiencing my relationship fall apart, my dad is hospitalized. My parents live in SC and I’m in TN. When my mom called and told me while I was at work. I started crying. My dad is my superman and we both have been through a lot together and he has always been my biggest supporter. I was ready to go and be by his side and help my mom, but I found out I wouldn’t be paid for the 2 days I was gone. I was just broken. I didn’t know what to do because I couldn’t afford to lose 2 days pay. My mom said he was going to be ok and it wasn’t anything super serious. I just felt like shit because I wasn’t there. It’s hard being far away from my family when things happen.

When a girl is feeling down and powerless to the ways of the world, where does she go? To her boyfriend who will hold her and let her cry it out and tell her everything is going to be ok. But did I get that? Nope. Not even close. I ask to come over because everything that happened and just wanted some company. I show up and went to hug him and he pushed me away – he said he was gross from work and got in the shower. I sat outside to have a beer and a cig and he never checked on me. He popped his head out to tell me to come fix my plate. I went upstairs and his mom wrapped her arms around me and told me it was going to be ok. That helped. When we were going to bed, I asked – I had to fucking ask – for him to hold me for a few. He rolled over and said he was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. As the tears started welling up in my eyes, I got up and grabbed my things and left. I really needed him at that moment and he couldn’t even bother. It gets better – well more tragic but at this point… what else can you say.

Then, a week after all my dad stuff, my car breaks down and needs a completely new motor. Awesome. My parents are kind enough to pay to fix it and it’s going to take a while for me to pay them back. And it doesn’t stop there.

An old friend had multiple strokes for reasons I’m still not sure of. She is 32 and has 2 kids. I went to visit her because the doctors thought it might help spark her recovery to be surrounded by familiar faces. It was really hard walking into that hospital room and seeing her on a feeding tube, hooked up to so many things and surrounded by pictures of her life. She couldn’t speak or move her right side. She grabbed my heavily tattooed arm with her left hand and when I looked in her eyes I swear I knew she was saying to me – Girl! what did you do to your arm, it’s pretty though. She used to love when I played with her hair, so after she ran her hand over my arm she put it right on her head like saying – please play with my hair. She had been in that hospital bed for over 2 months and it looked like no one has been taking care of her hair. Her dad told me they had to cut a huge mat out the back and her step mom has been helping to take care of it. Her step mom said she washed it the day before and it was just put in ball on the top of her head. Ugh. It was still wet and full of tangles. I combed it out and let it dry then braided it so it wouldn’t get messed up. Another old friend came up and we both stayed in the hospital a few days with her and did all the fun things we used to. Watched EuroTrip and a bunch of other stupid movies that made us laugh till we cried, Mani/pedis and face masked, and just talked about what has been going on since we last seen each other. It’s hard thinking I might never hear her voice again. They aren’t sure yet if she will recover enough to go to the rehab facility or if an assisted living arrangement will need to be made. I’m only a few hours away, so I’m going to go up on Saturdays to spend time with her.

Life just really sucks sometimes and the weight of everything piling on at once is a bit much. And of course, Red breaks up with me to add that extra something special to it all. He said he wasn’t willing to meet boyfriend expectations and doesn’t want to keep hurting me but he would very much like to remain friends. Oh it hurt. I knew it was coming, he was an awful boyfriend, I should have ended it sooner. I’ve learned my lesson. You know what really killed me after he broke up with me though, I have no friends here to tell me he didn’t deserve me and take me out for a drink or bring me some chicken nuggets and watch “Two Can Play that Game” with me. Or keep me from doing something crazy to my hair. It’s a very lonely feeling. Very lonely.

I do have my mom. He broke up with me while I was still at work, so I called her to help me calm down and she told me all the things to cheer me up. She qued up a list of movies for me. Told me not to touch my hair in any way and sent me an edible arrangement of fruits covered in chocolate. I can’t put into words how much I appreciate her going above and beyond to be there for me the best she can.

When it all happens at once, it’s hard for me to deal with all on my own. I know I’ll get stronger. Life just broke me and there are a lot of pieces to put back together. I’m just going to let the Motown mix play and eat chicken nuggets and have a good cry or two. Then, I’ll adult and seek guidance with my therapist.

Really wanting chicken nuggets and for nothing else to fuck up right now,

Mental Case

Are You Actually Being Serious

Ever get to turn down a rich powerful CEO who thought he could still get something from you? Oh Yes! It finally happened to me!

Oh honey, it’s like the best feeling in the whole wide world. It might just feel really good right now because I heard these 2 ladies I work with talking about me earlier and they were not saying very nice things. A lot was about my weight. One that really kind of hurt was, “she wasted all that money on weight loss surgery to still be fat.”

Like really? Excuse me ma’am, who the fuck do you think you are?

I didn’t say anything. I’m an angel just flying over the bullshit. When I turned around and walked away, I heard a gasp. I was just stopping by to explain an invoice one of ladies left in my office asking for me to find where it came from. Didn’t know it was a Hate on Mental party.

(I know you are wondering what happened with Red, and I will get there – promise. )

That got me a bit down, but then something magical happened. My old boss called me from my last job (you know the one I was sleeping with and had the wife that was my supervisor – in the first post if you missed it). I don’t know why I answered, but something compelled me to do so. He is in town for business and wanted to meet up for drinks and, in his own words, “your specialties hehe.” Like really? I had to find another job in different state because of you and you’re going to call me up and ask for my specialties, like right off dick. Are you actually being serious? I got to do a Oh-No-You-Didn’t-Hair-Flip and tell him to fuck off. Does feel pretty good. But with the ups do come the downs.

Ok, I need get out the Red mess. I know I need to, I just don’t want to. See what had happened was…..

After I left that morning. He didn’t even know I read those messages. He sent me a text later saying that trees were down everywhere at his work and power was out in a few cabins. In my crazy, but brilliant, girl way I responded, “It was a crazy storm my mountain flower.” Five minutes later my phones starts ringing. I didn’t answer and hit the ignore button every time. He sent a text asking to talk. I was at work and didn’t want to deal with that mess yet, so I told him I would call him when I got off work. When I called him, he said he made a mistake when he was drunk and he never should have sent those messages and he doesn’t know what he was thinking. I responded, ” I had to ask you to tell me I looked nice and you go and give up compliments and beautiful words to girls who couldn’t care less about you.” He then went on this explanation of how awful his past relationships are and he was always used to being yelled at. I stopped him and said, “just because the people you chose to be with in your past were shit, doesn’t mean I’m going to be the same way. I’m an amazing person. I support you. I appreciate you. I respect you. I make you laugh. I held you when you cried. I do things without you asking. I listened when you needed to vent. I listened to you talk about your exes and took it like a fucking champ. I don’t need you in the least but choose to be with you. I love you. And in return you take me for granted and think I’m a fucking idiot and give/seek attention from other girls. Do I not deserve it?” I didn’t hear from him any more that night.

—————————————-

He showed up at my house and when I opened the door he dropped to his knees and gave the most heart felt apology that made me feel like he really did love me and was terrified to lose me. We just held each other for awhile and didn’t say a word. It felt like being home wrapped in his arms…..

Then, I woke up and realized it was a dream and immediately when to the freezer to seek comfort from the only men who have always been there for me – Ben & Jerry. Oh, they know my heart. I’m still a bit lost when it comes to Red. It’s hard to explain. When your brain and heart never agree, life can be a bit complicated. I don’t know the future, so what comes next is a complete mystery. I just hope it feels better than this.

Masking my sadness like a ninja,

Mental Case

 

Sometimes You Have To Properly Adult

Ever stop for a moment to analyze yourself and come to the conclusion you’re just a mess and it’s time to clean up and properly adult? Totally happening to me right now.

I have been on a complaining kick lately and it’s entirely unnecessary. I kind of needed a slap in the face to snap out of it. I got that in the form of a horrible hangover. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was, and indulged a bit too much. I was doing so well but the little party gremlin that lives in my head just wanted a night out. I don’t know what I was thinking. Well, actually I do. I just didn’t want to deal with  everything I have had buried deep down for so long. I was ok there for a bit taking on the demons, but then they just started getting worse. I know I need help and will get it. It’s just hard not having a friend or someone to talk to about everything I’m dealing with. I’m going to start therapy, but I really want to talk to Red about it. I could probably talk to Red about it and I should, but I’m just afraid of what might happen if I open up. Letting people in and get close to me hasn’t worked out so great in the past. My heart has been broken every time. But I need to just let go of the fear and talk to him. I’m struggling and it would really be nice to have some support. I’m going to talk to him. I will do it……….it just might take me a bit.

After realizing I have been just in a negative place lately and complaining, I think it is time to properly adult and take responsibility. The situation I have found myself in is at no one else’s fault but my own. So that means only I can fix it and get to a happier place. The issue is I’m a bit allergic to hard work and taking care of myself is  extremely hard work. I was diagnosed with bipolar II and I have really bad anxiety issues and self medicating is not working – clearly. Now that was just one doctors diagnosis but I fit the description perfectly. I was on medication for a while but I was a vegetable. I was tired all the time and felt sick and my head was foggy. My medication was changed frequently and finding the right cocktail of meds just wasn’t happening. I went off the medication and sought other means to keep me level – epic fail. Realizing that I am failing and I’m headed for a major breakdown has me terrified. I don’t want to go through that (again) and I don’t want anyone around me to have to go through it either. I’m really scared to talk to anyone about it because there is this stigma attached to people with mental illness and I don’t want to be exiled. When I was overweight, medical term was “morbidly obese”, people seemed to be disgusted just to be in my presence.  Now that I lost the weight, and I really am a lovely girl, I don’t want to go through the same thing because I have a mental illness. I have been broken up with, unfriended, given up on, and let down after confiding in someone enough to tell them. People are shit. I know that is a big reason I haven’t told Red. I don’t want him to leave me. I honestly don’t think it’s time yet either. That may be an excuse and possibly completely wrong and I should tell him, but fuck it, I’m crazy and that’s just how I’m rollin’ at the moment.

So to help myself and get this crazy under some sense of control, I have plan. Research, stick to a schedule, therapy, and take it day by day. It sounds so simple but this will probably be the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. To help, I have a few long term goals. One is to look bangin’ for my 30th birthday in 8 months. Two, pay off my credit card by the end of the year. Three, save enough money to take my mom and cousin to Biltmore when it’s all decorated for Christmas. Totally achievable. My short term goals consist of getting on a set schedule, cutting out caffeine to better manage my anxiety, de-cluttering all the stuffs, eating better, working out, explore the city, and really just taking better care of myself. I just have to be careful and not overwhelm myself with expectations which could very quickly lead to an anxiety attack and breakdown.  Side note: being bipolar with horrible anxiety sucks major dicks! And if you are wondering what it’s like – it’s like trying to get a singing kids toy to turn off and it won’t turn off and just keeps singing that stupid song over and over again and you smash it and throw it and rip it apart, but it keeps singing and when you feel like dying so you can finally have peace, the singing stops. Yeah, that’s about right. Welcome to my life. Oh, and I would never hurt my self like that because I value my life and I kinda want to see what’s in store for me. There is so much I haven’t experienced so I need to get better so I can adventure and do all the things.

I am in a better place and I’m going to properly adult and get my shit together. I mean it’s time. I’m almost 30 fucking years old and I have dreams and goals and a really great life if I want it and I know I can do it this time. I have no excuses at this point. Not drinking will be a struggle, but becoming the most awesome me is going to be so worth it.

Properly Adulting Like A Boss,

Mental Case

Let Me Explain

Ever realize you’re a bit more crazy than the average bear and if anyone really knew you would be judged so hard into a black hole of shame you just bury it deep and hope for the best? Totally happening to me. Let me explain…

I don’t exactly have to start at the beginning but I do need to start one year ago on May 10th 2016. I had weight loss surgery this day so it was a new beginning. A new start from all the bad decisions I made and I was determined to be a better me. I quite my job that was sucking the life out of me because I was sleeping with the CEO and having to work on his wife’s team (of course she had to work there too)  and she already hated me, but didn’t really know why. She never found out, she just knew she didn’t like me and that meant make my life hell. Can’t get mad at that, right? I deserved it. Anyway, not the best decision but I did get a few things out of the affair and did leave that job to relax and heal and work on changing almost everything about me for the better. I was able to stop drinking for awhile, but I continued smoking pot because I really didn’t want to deal with the demons yet. I thought I could, but when they started to surface from the deep abyss I buried them in, I was not mentally strong enough to handle it. So back in the metaphorical black abyss they went. It took a lot of bowls of high grade stuff to get them back in. Then, I just became a recluse and stayed at home until I decided to move to a different state and start a new life because I was totally stable enough to do that (oh the sarcastic thoughts).

So let’s recap what I have been doing since I moved and then you will pretty much caught up to present day.

I was offered a job in a different state and moved away from my family, friends, and everything that was familiar. By the time I moved, I had lost about 70lbs. I was feeling good about myself and started receiving attention from men that I had never experienced before. It was strange. Really, everyone I met was so pleasant and quite nice to me. It was weird. It still kind of is sometimes, but nothing too bad. I continued losing weight and decided it was time to finally start meeting people and date and be normal instead of caught up in some soul-sucking affair. Dating was awful. Completely terrible. I learned the signs he is just into sex and that UBER is really emergency date rescue. I did pick up some great conversational skills, so not all bad. Those are skills that come very handy in life. I finally found someone I don’t need in the least, but want to be with him and I have fallen head over heels for him. Before him I dated two guys. One with 2 kids who I really enjoyed being around and the other a much older guy with a mountain sized pile of baggage.

We’re just going to call him, 2 Kids. We dated for a little over 2 months and things were pretty good, but he actually liked larger girls and said I was too skinny for him. Talk about an epic back handed complement. He broke up with me in a text on Christmas Eve saying he was getting back with the baby mama and I needed to come get my things at his house. I was drunk for about 3 days straight after that. I don’t remember Christmas at all. I know I was sober for the family functions but once I got to leave I was pouring the wine. My mom allowed it and just supervised and made sure I ate. Once I got through that break up, I was single for a bit until I met this older guy. He was only 18 years older than me, which isn’t that bad if you consider I have dated a bit older.

We’re going to call him Baggage. Baggage was still married, but separated. The ex-wife was still living in the same house and they were still sleeping in the same bed and having sex up until a few day before our first date. I told you – mountain sized pile of baggage. There were kids too, but they didn’t know their parents were splitting up and their mom had been seeing another man for the past 5 months while still sleeping with Baggage. I stupidly put up with it for a little bit because, well, the sex was amazing. I know that isn’t the best excuse, but when you find someone that can ring your bell like he did, you kind of block out everything else. He ended up breaking up with me in a text too and regretted it about 2 weeks later and wanted me back. He didn’t think I would move on so fast, and I certainly didn’t think I would meet anyone so soon. But When you’re a hopeless romantic, you kind of move on fast and don’t even realize what is going on. I had a date lined up when Baggage asked me back and he wasn’t happy but encouraged me to go. We were trying to keep some friendship because he really didn’t want me completely out of his life. He was really easy to talk to and never judged me. We still talk every now and then.

The guy I had a date with, we’ll call him Red, turned out to be really amazing. My dream guy was real and I had found him. We’ve been together about two months now and he almost broke up with me last week. He said he wasn’t really looking for a relationship and didn’t expect me to come into his life. When he said that on the phone my heart just sank and an I just felt nauseous. He told me to come over so we can talk and I was a bit of a nervous wreck on the way over. I was preparing myself for the – it’s not you, it’s me and you will find someone so great some day – kind of discussion. I kind of been dumped more than I’d like to admit so I knew if he was going to use a cliche breakup line, it would have been that exact one. When I walked in the door he was sitting on the couch and stood up and said, “I’m a fucking idiot and just ignore everything I said.” That had never happened to me before and I was a little in shock. He said he loved me and we had a really nice night together. I really do love him and try not to think about the future and what might could happen, because well that could drive someone crazy. I try to stick to the present and just enjoy our relationship now and he makes me want to be a better person, so I’m working on bettering myself for the possibility of a future with him. But if you have been reading this so far, you know I’m going to royally fuck up and you would be 100% correct.

I actually fucked up twice but he only knows of the one. One way I fucked up that he was present for, I hadn’t really been drinking in a while because it’s very difficult to lose weight when drinking an unhealthy amount and I can’t just have one or two. I pretty much drink until the alcohol is gone except on a few occasions. I have a problem, I know, but I’m working on it. Things had been a bit stressful at work and with family so I decided that it was the perfect time to drink. Beverage of choice was a delicious Pinot Grigio. The worst possible thing you could do when drinking and staying at someone else’s house is what class…….? Say stupid things? No. Get in a fight? No. Puke on your boyfriend while performing fellatio because he busted a huge load in your mouth? Nope. Those are things you could possible forget, or on that last one, he could even take a bit of pride in saying he was so big he couldn’t help but hit that gag reflex deep in your throat. Pissing yourself in your boyfriend’s bed while he is on the edge of breaking up with you is pretty much the worst thing you could do in this scenario, and is exactly what happened. To add to it, I fell asleep sitting up holding a full bottle of opened water and it spilled down my shirt and all in my lap (could have been the reason I peed, but I don’t know, I’d like to think so). I seriously cried. I thought he was going to kick me out and never speak to me again. He was surprisingly cool and made a few comments that felt like a slap in the face, but they were deserving. I hadn’t done that since college (days of learning the limits). I didn’t even drink that much, about a bottle and a half of wine, well for me that wasn’t much at all. I quite drinking that day. That shame is still with me, but with everyday it dissipates a little bit more. Remember I said I fucked up twice. When the second one is really bad.

I’ll explain more into that one a bit later. Probably one of the worst things I’ve ever done and I’ve done some horrible stuff. Not ready to share that one yet.

I’ve stop drinking and smoking and I can feel the demons clawing their way up slowly to the Deal With It arena where the battles will commence . Going further with this diary will be me dealing with my demons and everyday life with a seriously crazy brain that I refuse to take medication to dull it down. Doctors give me anxiety and I bet we will touch on that soon.

Feeling slightly less stressed,

Mental Case.