I Have A Theory…Well A few

Ever need to distract your mind from itself? Welcome to my world. It’s great. Let’s have some fun.

Ok, if you have read my last post – The Fall – you know I’ve been going through a rough time. If you haven’t read it, you should. It’s the perfect representation of a completely dysfunctional human being making extremely horrible decisions. You’re welcome. So I need to distract my mind from itself and I was looking for a rabbit hole to dive into… and I totally found one. Well, a few.

I’m 29 and was in school when technology just started becoming accessible to the masses. Now, toddlers can use an iPad as good, if not better, than most college kids. It’s scary as fuck. Preschoolers are given tablets to learn shapes and colors instead of using those blocks you try to fit into the box. Remember that thing. Wasn’t it the best. Like if you couldn’t figure out that the square went into the square and kept trying to jam it into the star, you we definitely held back. But know, they are rewarded for the effort and not have to feel the frustration of not being able to jam the shape in the wrong whole. I digress. What I’m getting too is education, public education, has been dumbed down to the point where the dumbest kid in the class sets the pace for everyone else. My theory is that the government is thinking of the future voting potential and creating generations of sheeple they can easily control. Young adults will believe anything. You could show them a bogus headline with a made up picture and explain in the article it is completely fake, and they would never get to the article and just believe the headline and picture. No questions asked. That is scary.

I mean c’mon, Trump was actually voted president. Tell me that wasn’t to see if the Sheeple experiment is working. Who knows what is coming up next. I think there is a secret society like The Court of Owls in Gotham that is controlling things and setting up a complete cleansing for the future.

Think about it. I think Africa would be the beginning. How easy it would be for some of these greater powers to just pop in and take control from the uneducated drug lords and completely end the suffering of the occupying people. But no one has. Even with the all the Geneva Convention rules. You could even have Kanye West and some other millionaire just fly in and buy entire countries and improve the quality of life. It’s like all the great powers are just waiting until no one gives a shit and then boom, some disease is just going to wipe them all out and cleanse the whole continent as an experiment and it will be reported as some weird mutated strain of HIV. Parts of South America are pretty bad too, but I think African countries people care a lot less about at this point. Just think about, it’s a very interesting rabbit hole to fall down.

The government is creating generations of sheeple the can easily control with fake news. There might be some secret society planning to cleanse the world. It fits if you think about it.

Now another theory I have deals with the medical industry. There are less doctors and researchers because the medical industry doesn’t want to cure anything. They just want to create shit to help you live with it. The cure for certain cancers could have already been discovered and could completely destroy the chemotherapy treatment, but it won’t be released for another 100 years because the providers of chemotherapy would be closed out. Or chemo would become the cheaper more affordable treatment and they don’t want that to happen either. Nursing jobs have increased, not just because of the baby boomers aging out, but because the industry want to care for people, not treat them and make them better. Then you can go further and think about our food. Fast food is fucked with and contains stuff to make you addicted to it. That is proven. But when you think healthy food, a lot of it is created from genetic mutations to produce a ‘better’ version. What they are using to put in food or create food is causing organ failure across the bored in otherwise healthy people. Look back in history at the diet people had and a lot of places in the world, like Asian countries, their diets haven’t changed yet health of the population has greatly declined. We are creating sick people, to treat them, then making them sick again to keep coming back and seeking care. It’s a vicious cycle and has me scared. I mean my thoughts are just my thoughts and I might be completely wrong, but I feel there is some truth in it.

I need to stop. It gets scary thinking about just these 3 theories about what the future is going to be like. These are just my opinions and I have no hard evidence, mainly because if I found it I might lose my mind even more. It is a good distraction from what I explained in my previous blog. So here’s what you should take from this. When you are dealing with a rough time and feeling like me (again check out my last blog), conspiracy theories are a great distraction. I stayed away from aliens, because – well it’s aliens and that rabbit hole is ridiculously deep.

Until I have More Fuckery to Share,

Mental Case xoxo

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The Fall

Ever have something bad happen and not know how to come back? Totally happened and still happening to me.

I know you must be thinking – bad things happen to everyone and you just need to suck it up and get over it. But in all reality that is one of the easiest thoughts to have that is also one of the most impossible to bring into reality.

In a very short span of time I lost everything I held very dear to me. Yes, they were only things, but they brought me joy. Joy is very hard for me to come by these days. I learned to live without them and thought I was going to be ok and get through this. I kept thinking it was a depression cycle and the sun will shine again and my days will be bright and full of happiness. Those thoughts were very short lived.

What hurts the most…. more than anything else… is the loneliness. Part of it I bring on myself and I will get to that bit but the rest is hard to deal with. It’s hard not having anyone and feeling like if something happened to you, no one would know. I’m terrified of something happening to me at home and no one would bother to check up on me for weeks. It’s a scary thought to think that I am that alone.

I build up the courage and reach out to see people but they always cancel or have something better to do. I get druken texts from my ex – Red – and then he acts like I don’t exist and I was a complete mistake the next day. My phone never rings, or dings, or beeps with any notifications for weeks. It’s lonely and it hurts when you are a person that needs contact with other people. I honestly enjoy going to work every day because I know people are going to be there that talk to me and actually see me. They don’t see through me or make me feel like I am mistake. My coworkers ask how I can come to work every day with smile on my face and greet them with the most pleasant “Good Morning” and no matter what is asked of me, I never complain. I wish I could tell them the truth and respond, “because out side of this office, I don’t matter.” But of course I can’t say that, I just respond a classic, “just glad I get to live another day.” When really I’m dreading the end of the day when I walk out that door and I don’t matter to anyone any more.

Now the part of loneliness I bring on myself is because I wound up in an affair. I know, I know, I’m a horrible person. It happens. When you’re at your darkest point and someone reaches out to embrace you, you really don’t care. You just want to feel arms wrapped around you and your whole body warm from a few simple kind words. If you couldn’t tell, it’s not like I see him much. I am still alone and have to hold my teddy bear to fall asleep at night. I get the classic lines from him too – and they are good ones. My favorite is, “I’m talking to a divorce lawyer,” or “I really can’t take it anymore.” Oh, they are magnificent. Dude, I know he isn’t going to leave her, not anytime soon at least. I don’t need the hope, I just need the company or the thought someone is thinking of me. I’m not getting it in the best way, but I’m not sleeping around all over the place either. My favorite thing that he does is text me how beautiful I look every morning. Oh did I mention I work with him. Yeah, the plot is thick honey. Last time I was really depressed, you know he showed up at my house with flowers and one of his t-shirts for me to sleep in. He helped me move when no one else would and I didn’t have the money to pay for movers. I let him complain to me about his wife when I really have no remorse. I mean if how she was, was really a problem he would change it. But he doesn’t hear that from me. He just needs someone to vent to and tell him – that sucks – and he has no one. On one hand it’s very bad and on the other we are a support system for each other. It does effect me a bit more because I am the one alone with no real person to talk to. I have this blog that I have been neglecting because I lost my desire to write. I lost my desire to feel – anything. I could easily become an alcoholic. Only if I had a lot of money. Then I could just drink beer (all I like is beer) and lounge around and tell the world to fuck it, and be driven around like Daisy. I would love for someone to just drive me around places.

All joking aside, I know I have to end the affair. I’m not stable enough to right now. I think if I lost him, I would really lose my mind. He is the only one I have that would think someone is wrong if I disappeared. Seriously, what has my life become?

Fuck it, I’m going back to smoking weed. This feeling the woes of my existence crap is not helping. Here’s the plan- I’m going back to smoking and I’m going to learn to play the guitar my dad got me and I’m going to pour my feelings into music. I mean why not? It’s time to try something new. Well, that is where I’m at now. At least I’m back to writing so there’s my start.

I’m falling and I really don’t know how to get back up,

Mental Case

Wanting A Friend But People Suck So My Wants Are Pointless. Awesome.

Ever just had it? Yeah, that’s where I’m at right now.

Awesome place to be, le’me tell you. I’m just a bit numb to it all at this point. I think that is my mind’s way of coping. Just so much stress was coming down on me at once. The majority of it was self-induced, I admit, but it’s just hard processing all of it at once. Now, I’ve had some time alone to argue with myself and realize a few things. I’m drained. Completely exhausted.

My car stuff is external stress. I had to deal with the bank on that yesterday. I’m trying to pay someone and the bank is preventing me from doing so. They said the fraud department called to verify a check but I was unable to answer when they called. The bank lady on the phone started getting rude because I didn’t answer the call. One – I have an irrational fear of talking on the phone with people I don’t know. Two – They didn’t leave a voicemail. How was I supposed to know they called if I have no message explaining they did so. You seriously think I’m going to call the number back and say “I received a call from this number and I’m trying to figure out what’s up”. Get the fuck out. If you are going to call someone, don’t half ass and hang up after a few rings. Put in maximum effort and leave a message. In it to win it people. But what really gets me is that I verified the check when I wrote it so I wouldn’t have to deal with this. They said it was because the name was written funny. I didn’t have a hard surface to write on when I was writing in the name. But the verification was already done and they read me the note made on the account verifying the check the day before it was deposited. End of the story, I had to re-verify the check when it was already verified. Just..ugh.

So that was fun and I completely believe I am cursed.

Things are getting better and I’m just having a tough go at it right now. The loneliness is what really gets me. It always does when getting over a break-up. I’m used to talking with someone every day and then nothing. What’s worse is when they were the only person you talked to, so the phone never rings. This is a little pathetic, I still take my lunch during the time he would call me everyday, just in case he calls. I know he won’t, but…it’s what I do. I’m almost done building the bridge to get over him. I think this week is going to continue to be crap and next week things are going to start turning around.

I’m totally ready to get back to my normal crazy instead of the emo-crying-sappy-girl version of my crazy. The crying at night isn’t helping the bags under my eyes at all. I’m telling you, realizing how alone I am really hits me at night. I even have two dogs that basically sleep on top of me and I still feel alone. What is this need to be with someone? Oh yeah, I’m almost 30 and I’m freaking the fuck out!

I have started the passport process and sticking to an exercise plan. Totally got that Adulting award in the bag already.
And I haven’t checked my phone to see if he called or texted. If I could split into two, mitosis style, I would give myself a huge hug. I’m going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok. I just need to go to Goodwill and buy up a bunch of glass and ceramic dishes then smash them all to get out my anger I’ve been holding in against him and the world. Wait, I have no where to smash dishes. I feel if I did it at my house the neighbors would call the police and THAT’S JUST NOT COOL, BRUH!

See this is why I need friends! A friend would have a place I could smash dishes. Tonight is going to suck so I will counter with a bubble bath while watching “Two Can Play That Game” and get a bit stoned. Tomorrow is required to be better. You hear me Tomorrow, you will be better!

Wanting a friend but people suck so my wants are pointless,

Mental Case

Are You Actually Being Serious

Ever get to turn down a rich powerful CEO who thought he could still get something from you? Oh Yes! It finally happened to me!

Oh honey, it’s like the best feeling in the whole wide world. It might just feel really good right now because I heard these 2 ladies I work with talking about me earlier and they were not saying very nice things. A lot was about my weight. One that really kind of hurt was, “she wasted all that money on weight loss surgery to still be fat.”

Like really? Excuse me ma’am, who the fuck do you think you are?

I didn’t say anything. I’m an angel just flying over the bullshit. When I turned around and walked away, I heard a gasp. I was just stopping by to explain an invoice one of ladies left in my office asking for me to find where it came from. Didn’t know it was a Hate on Mental party.

(I know you are wondering what happened with Red, and I will get there – promise. )

That got me a bit down, but then something magical happened. My old boss called me from my last job (you know the one I was sleeping with and had the wife that was my supervisor – in the first post if you missed it). I don’t know why I answered, but something compelled me to do so. He is in town for business and wanted to meet up for drinks and, in his own words, “your specialties hehe.” Like really? I had to find another job in different state because of you and you’re going to call me up and ask for my specialties, like right off dick. Are you actually being serious? I got to do a Oh-No-You-Didn’t-Hair-Flip and tell him to fuck off. Does feel pretty good. But with the ups do come the downs.

Ok, I need get out the Red mess. I know I need to, I just don’t want to. See what had happened was…..

After I left that morning. He didn’t even know I read those messages. He sent me a text later saying that trees were down everywhere at his work and power was out in a few cabins. In my crazy, but brilliant, girl way I responded, “It was a crazy storm my mountain flower.” Five minutes later my phones starts ringing. I didn’t answer and hit the ignore button every time. He sent a text asking to talk. I was at work and didn’t want to deal with that mess yet, so I told him I would call him when I got off work. When I called him, he said he made a mistake when he was drunk and he never should have sent those messages and he doesn’t know what he was thinking. I responded, ” I had to ask you to tell me I looked nice and you go and give up compliments and beautiful words to girls who couldn’t care less about you.” He then went on this explanation of how awful his past relationships are and he was always used to being yelled at. I stopped him and said, “just because the people you chose to be with in your past were shit, doesn’t mean I’m going to be the same way. I’m an amazing person. I support you. I appreciate you. I respect you. I make you laugh. I held you when you cried. I do things without you asking. I listened when you needed to vent. I listened to you talk about your exes and took it like a fucking champ. I don’t need you in the least but choose to be with you. I love you. And in return you take me for granted and think I’m a fucking idiot and give/seek attention from other girls. Do I not deserve it?” I didn’t hear from him any more that night.

—————————————-

He showed up at my house and when I opened the door he dropped to his knees and gave the most heart felt apology that made me feel like he really did love me and was terrified to lose me. We just held each other for awhile and didn’t say a word. It felt like being home wrapped in his arms…..

Then, I woke up and realized it was a dream and immediately when to the freezer to seek comfort from the only men who have always been there for me – Ben & Jerry. Oh, they know my heart. I’m still a bit lost when it comes to Red. It’s hard to explain. When your brain and heart never agree, life can be a bit complicated. I don’t know the future, so what comes next is a complete mystery. I just hope it feels better than this.

Masking my sadness like a ninja,

Mental Case

 

Sometimes You Have To Properly Adult

Ever stop for a moment to analyze yourself and come to the conclusion you’re just a mess and it’s time to clean up and properly adult? Totally happening to me right now.

I have been on a complaining kick lately and it’s entirely unnecessary. I kind of needed a slap in the face to snap out of it. I got that in the form of a horrible hangover. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was, and indulged a bit too much. I was doing so well but the little party gremlin that lives in my head just wanted a night out. I don’t know what I was thinking. Well, actually I do. I just didn’t want to deal with  everything I have had buried deep down for so long. I was ok there for a bit taking on the demons, but then they just started getting worse. I know I need help and will get it. It’s just hard not having a friend or someone to talk to about everything I’m dealing with. I’m going to start therapy, but I really want to talk to Red about it. I could probably talk to Red about it and I should, but I’m just afraid of what might happen if I open up. Letting people in and get close to me hasn’t worked out so great in the past. My heart has been broken every time. But I need to just let go of the fear and talk to him. I’m struggling and it would really be nice to have some support. I’m going to talk to him. I will do it……….it just might take me a bit.

After realizing I have been just in a negative place lately and complaining, I think it is time to properly adult and take responsibility. The situation I have found myself in is at no one else’s fault but my own. So that means only I can fix it and get to a happier place. The issue is I’m a bit allergic to hard work and taking care of myself is  extremely hard work. I was diagnosed with bipolar II and I have really bad anxiety issues and self medicating is not working – clearly. Now that was just one doctors diagnosis but I fit the description perfectly. I was on medication for a while but I was a vegetable. I was tired all the time and felt sick and my head was foggy. My medication was changed frequently and finding the right cocktail of meds just wasn’t happening. I went off the medication and sought other means to keep me level – epic fail. Realizing that I am failing and I’m headed for a major breakdown has me terrified. I don’t want to go through that (again) and I don’t want anyone around me to have to go through it either. I’m really scared to talk to anyone about it because there is this stigma attached to people with mental illness and I don’t want to be exiled. When I was overweight, medical term was “morbidly obese”, people seemed to be disgusted just to be in my presence.  Now that I lost the weight, and I really am a lovely girl, I don’t want to go through the same thing because I have a mental illness. I have been broken up with, unfriended, given up on, and let down after confiding in someone enough to tell them. People are shit. I know that is a big reason I haven’t told Red. I don’t want him to leave me. I honestly don’t think it’s time yet either. That may be an excuse and possibly completely wrong and I should tell him, but fuck it, I’m crazy and that’s just how I’m rollin’ at the moment.

So to help myself and get this crazy under some sense of control, I have plan. Research, stick to a schedule, therapy, and take it day by day. It sounds so simple but this will probably be the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. To help, I have a few long term goals. One is to look bangin’ for my 30th birthday in 8 months. Two, pay off my credit card by the end of the year. Three, save enough money to take my mom and cousin to Biltmore when it’s all decorated for Christmas. Totally achievable. My short term goals consist of getting on a set schedule, cutting out caffeine to better manage my anxiety, de-cluttering all the stuffs, eating better, working out, explore the city, and really just taking better care of myself. I just have to be careful and not overwhelm myself with expectations which could very quickly lead to an anxiety attack and breakdown.  Side note: being bipolar with horrible anxiety sucks major dicks! And if you are wondering what it’s like – it’s like trying to get a singing kids toy to turn off and it won’t turn off and just keeps singing that stupid song over and over again and you smash it and throw it and rip it apart, but it keeps singing and when you feel like dying so you can finally have peace, the singing stops. Yeah, that’s about right. Welcome to my life. Oh, and I would never hurt my self like that because I value my life and I kinda want to see what’s in store for me. There is so much I haven’t experienced so I need to get better so I can adventure and do all the things.

I am in a better place and I’m going to properly adult and get my shit together. I mean it’s time. I’m almost 30 fucking years old and I have dreams and goals and a really great life if I want it and I know I can do it this time. I have no excuses at this point. Not drinking will be a struggle, but becoming the most awesome me is going to be so worth it.

Properly Adulting Like A Boss,

Mental Case