Ceiling Fan Thoughts & Movie References

Ever have thoughts racing through your mind round and round like a ceiling fan on high speed and you finally catch one to process then it’s gone again back in the spinning? Totally happening to me.

All the pot I was smoking was keeping my mind from processing all the thoughts and crazy I had let build up for the past eleven years – saying it’s a lot is a seriously epic understatement. Now that I haven’t had any in a week my energy has increased but a flood of thoughts are trying to squeeze through processing and it is exhausting. To add to the fun, I’m having vivid dreams of past things I have done that I had tried to destroy the memory, but didn’t. I know there are certain memories my mind has actually blocked from me remembering and I’m scared to death those will come back. I know something really bad has happened to me between certain time frames and I can’t recall anything. I’ve woke up every single night this week at 3 AM. Last night I woke up crying and shaking and couldn’t tell if I was still dreaming or awake. I was staying with Red and reaching out and feeling him there let me know I was awake. It was also nice knowing I wasn’t alone.

It’s just a bit scary the things I have locked away for so long. I know it will get better and I won’t be haunted by these memories forever. It’s just hard reliving things from my past as terrifying nightmares. Ok, this is getting deep and I have few other things to cover.

Let’s go another direction. I saw Red’s Ex that has been haunting him. Technically, I found her on facebook, as one does, and I know it might be a bit vain and caddy but I feel I might be a bit of an upgrade. She did a number on him and I’m left hearing about it and really putting in the work to show him he deserves so much better and I’m her. I really shouldn’t say that because I’ve been taught that I am not better than anyone else, but I mean come the fuck on, let’s get real.

Red said a few things that made me feel a little self-conscious and that’s what brought about this investigator session.

  • Quick story, she saw me and Red on our first date. We had dinner at this cool little pizza place then walked to a bar he liked. Low and behold she was there. I don’t really remember her face, I just remember he was drinking his beer and looked behind me and put it down and said, “we need to go.” I was surprised because he didn’t finish his beer and he wanted to go so quickly. I thought he wasn’t that into me or something and later he said his ex was there and she is crazy and he didn’t want her to fight me or come at him. Extra tid bit: Our first kiss was outside that bar too.

What he said that stuck with me was that she was the only girl that ever made him do that wolf howl and eyes bug out like the cartoon. We were watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit when that scene came on and that is what he chose would be an ok thing to say to me. I used to be morbidly obese so my confidence isn’t really that high even though I’ve lost all the extra weight. When a guy you are head over heels for says something like that it’s almost like punch in the stomach, even though I honestly believe he didn’t say it to be mean, but how can you be that oblivious? Don’t get me wrong, I do fancy myself as a lovely woman, and I hear people tell me how great I look now and how pretty I am, but from past experience I can’t tell if they are being sincere or just polite. When I was really big, I would get that – you’re really pretty for a bigger girl – line. I just realized why what he said really bothered me – Red has never really complimented me and said I look nice or pretty. It’s not like I go to see him looking like a dirty hobo. I put effort into how I look when I go out of the house. Those souther belle habits won’t die lol. I have tried all kinds of different makeup looks. Nothing crazy of course, but when you put in a little effort, the one person a girl wants to hear those compliments from his her boyfriend. And i’m not saying I need constant reassurance that I look nice, but just a – hey baby, you look beautiful – every now and then would be nice to hear. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, but again I am a mental case so my view could be a bit skewed. Aww, that makes me kind of sad to realize he has never complimented me, on anything. I’m baking him my signature sweets and if I don’t get something out of that I really hope I don’t start to cry. I’m kind of starting to tear up now realizing all this. He even didn’t try to comfort me when I was crying because I had a horrible eczema flare up and my skin looked so bad. It was on my face, arms, hands, feet, back, it was bad. I felt completely awful. This has gone to a sad place very fast.

Point that I was getting at is that I feel like I’m a better person than the ex and I definitely believe I’m an like the VIP Platinum upgrade. She isn’t totally unfortunate looking, but she resembles a leathered skin biker broad with crap tattoos and meth teeth. Like a total Monet, from far away not too bad, but up close just a horrible violent alcoholic mess. (Paraphrasing quotes – oh Mental Case you’re so clever snaps for you) But thinking about the compliment thing I am completely bummed out from that realization – let me share something from the other day to brighten things up. (Told you – Ceiling Fan Thoughts).

Next Direction….

I have a few friends I made through work and they are really amazing and I was just so blown away at how kind they are to me. One is a guy and he is sweet and reminds me a lot of my brother. Dorktastic and loving it. We go to cosplay conventions and comicbook stores and have game nights and nerd out on some Netflix. He told me the other day he had a dream about me cooking in his Uncle’s kitchen. My response was epic and I have to give myself a tiny pat on the back for this one. So here’s what was said:

Friend: I know this sounds weird, but I had a dream about you cooking in my uncle’s kitchen.

Me: Why are you and your uncle cooking me in his kitchen?

Friend: *starts crying from laughing so hard.

Me: I know I’m a (favorite quote from Jurassic Park) – Clever Girl

We will leave it on that weird, but funny note. Be back to unleash more crazy tomorrow.

Kinda bummed but It’s fine,

Mental Case

 

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Let Me Explain

Ever realize you’re a bit more crazy than the average bear and if anyone really knew you would be judged so hard into a black hole of shame you just bury it deep and hope for the best? Totally happening to me. Let me explain…

I don’t exactly have to start at the beginning but I do need to start one year ago on May 10th 2016. I had weight loss surgery this day so it was a new beginning. A new start from all the bad decisions I made and I was determined to be a better me. I quite my job that was sucking the life out of me because I was sleeping with the CEO and having to work on his wife’s team (of course she had to work there too) ¬†and she already hated me, but didn’t really know why. She never found out, she just knew she didn’t like me and that meant make my life hell. Can’t get mad at that, right? I deserved it. Anyway, not the best decision but I did get a few things out of the affair and did leave that job to relax and heal and work on changing almost everything about me for the better. I was able to stop drinking for awhile, but I continued smoking pot because I really didn’t want to deal with the demons yet. I thought I could, but when they started to surface from the deep abyss I buried them in, I was not mentally strong enough to handle it. So back in the metaphorical black abyss they went. It took a lot of bowls of high grade stuff to get them back in. Then, I just became a recluse and stayed at home until I decided to move to a different state and start a new life because I was totally stable enough to do that (oh the sarcastic thoughts).

So let’s recap what I have been doing since I moved and then you will pretty much caught up to present day.

I was offered a job in a different state and moved away from my family, friends, and everything that was familiar. By the time I moved, I had lost about 70lbs. I was feeling good about myself and started receiving attention from men that I had never experienced before. It was strange. Really, everyone I met was so pleasant and quite nice to me. It was weird. It still kind of is sometimes, but nothing too bad. I continued losing weight and decided it was time to finally start meeting people and date and be normal instead of caught up in some soul-sucking affair. Dating was awful. Completely terrible. I learned the signs he is just into sex and that UBER is really emergency date rescue. I did pick up some great conversational skills, so not all bad. Those are skills that come very handy in life. I finally found someone I don’t need in the least, but want to be with him and I have fallen head over heels for him. Before him I dated two guys. One with 2 kids who I really enjoyed being around and the other a much older guy with a mountain sized pile of baggage.

We’re just going to call him, 2 Kids. We dated for a little over 2 months and things were pretty good, but he actually liked larger girls and said I was too skinny for him. Talk about an epic back handed complement. He broke up with me in a text on Christmas Eve saying he was getting back with the baby mama and I needed to come get my things at his house. I was drunk for about 3 days straight after that. I don’t remember Christmas at all. I know I was sober for the family functions but once I got to leave I was pouring the wine. My mom allowed it and just supervised and made sure I ate. Once I got through that break up, I was single for a bit until I met this older guy. He was only 18 years older than me, which isn’t that bad if you consider I have dated a bit older.

We’re going to call him Baggage. Baggage was still married, but separated. The ex-wife was still living in the same house and they were still sleeping in the same bed and having sex up until a few day before our first date. I told you – mountain sized pile of baggage. There were kids too, but they didn’t know their parents were splitting up and their mom had been seeing another man for the past 5 months while still sleeping with Baggage. I stupidly put up with it for a little bit because, well, the sex was amazing. I know that isn’t the best excuse, but when you find someone that can ring your bell like he did, you kind of block out everything else. He ended up breaking up with me in a text too and regretted it about 2 weeks later and wanted me back. He didn’t think I would move on so fast, and I certainly didn’t think I would meet anyone so soon. But When you’re a hopeless romantic, you kind of move on fast and don’t even realize what is going on. I had a date lined up when Baggage asked me back and he wasn’t happy but encouraged me to go. We were trying to keep some friendship because he really didn’t want me completely out of his life. He was really easy to talk to and never judged me. We still talk every now and then.

The guy I had a date with, we’ll call him Red, turned out to be really amazing. My dream guy was real and I had found him. We’ve been together about two months now and he almost broke up with me last week. He said he wasn’t really looking for a relationship and didn’t expect me to come into his life. When he said that on the phone my heart just sank and an I just felt nauseous. He told me to come over so we can talk and I was a bit of a nervous wreck on the way over. I was preparing myself for the – it’s not you, it’s me and you will find someone so great some day – kind of discussion. I kind of been dumped more than I’d like to admit so I knew if he was going to use a cliche breakup line, it would have been that exact one. When I walked in the door he was sitting on the couch and stood up and said, “I’m a fucking idiot and just ignore everything I said.” That had never happened to me before and I was a little in shock. He said he loved me and we had a really nice night together. I really do love him and try not to think about the future and what might could happen, because well that could drive someone crazy. I try to stick to the present and just enjoy our relationship now and he makes me want to be a better person, so I’m working on bettering myself for the possibility of a future with him. But if you have been reading this so far, you know I’m going to royally fuck up and you would be 100% correct.

I actually fucked up twice but he only knows of the one. One way I fucked up that he was present for, I hadn’t really been drinking in a while because it’s very difficult to lose weight when drinking an unhealthy amount and I can’t just have one or two. I pretty much drink until the alcohol is gone except on a few occasions. I have a problem, I know, but I’m working on it. Things had been a bit stressful at work and with family so I decided that it was the perfect time to drink. Beverage of choice was a delicious Pinot Grigio. The worst possible thing you could do when drinking and staying at someone else’s house is what class…….? Say stupid things? No. Get in a fight? No. Puke on your boyfriend while performing fellatio because he busted a huge load in your mouth? Nope. Those are things you could possible forget, or on that last one, he could even take a bit of pride in saying he was so big he couldn’t help but hit that gag reflex deep in your throat. Pissing yourself in your boyfriend’s bed while he is on the edge of breaking up with you is pretty much the worst thing you could do in this scenario, and is exactly what happened. To add to it, I fell asleep sitting up holding a full bottle of opened water and it spilled down my shirt and all in my lap (could have been the reason I peed, but I don’t know, I’d like to think so). I seriously cried. I thought he was going to kick me out and never speak to me again. He was surprisingly cool and made a few comments that felt like a slap in the face, but they were deserving. I hadn’t done that since college (days of learning the limits). I didn’t even drink that much, about a bottle and a half of wine, well for me that wasn’t much at all. I quite drinking that day. That shame is still with me, but with everyday it dissipates a little bit more. Remember I said I fucked up twice. When the second one is really bad.

I’ll explain more into that one a bit later. Probably one of the worst things I’ve ever done and I’ve done some horrible stuff. Not ready to share that one yet.

I’ve stop drinking and smoking and I can feel the demons clawing their way up slowly to the Deal With It arena where the battles will commence . Going further with this diary will be me dealing with my demons and everyday life with a seriously crazy brain that I refuse to take medication to dull it down. Doctors give me anxiety and I bet we will touch on that soon.

Feeling slightly less stressed,

Mental Case.