Ever have thoughts racing through your mind round and round like a ceiling fan on high speed and you finally catch one to process then it’s gone again back in the spinning? Totally happening to me.
All the pot I was smoking was keeping my mind from processing all the thoughts and crazy I had let build up for the past eleven years – saying it’s a lot is a seriously epic understatement. Now that I haven’t had any in a week my energy has increased but a flood of thoughts are trying to squeeze through processing and it is exhausting. To add to the fun, I’m having vivid dreams of past things I have done that I had tried to destroy the memory, but didn’t. I know there are certain memories my mind has actually blocked from me remembering and I’m scared to death those will come back. I know something really bad has happened to me between certain time frames and I can’t recall anything. I’ve woke up every single night this week at 3 AM. Last night I woke up crying and shaking and couldn’t tell if I was still dreaming or awake. I was staying with Red and reaching out and feeling him there let me know I was awake. It was also nice knowing I wasn’t alone.
It’s just a bit scary the things I have locked away for so long. I know it will get better and I won’t be haunted by these memories forever. It’s just hard reliving things from my past as terrifying nightmares. Ok, this is getting deep and I have few other things to cover.
Let’s go another direction. I saw Red’s Ex that has been haunting him. Technically, I found her on facebook, as one does, and I know it might be a bit vain and caddy but I feel I might be a bit of an upgrade. She did a number on him and I’m left hearing about it and really putting in the work to show him he deserves so much better and I’m her. I really shouldn’t say that because I’ve been taught that I am not better than anyone else, but I mean come the fuck on, let’s get real.
Red said a few things that made me feel a little self-conscious and that’s what brought about this investigator session.
- Quick story, she saw me and Red on our first date. We had dinner at this cool little pizza place then walked to a bar he liked. Low and behold she was there. I don’t really remember her face, I just remember he was drinking his beer and looked behind me and put it down and said, “we need to go.” I was surprised because he didn’t finish his beer and he wanted to go so quickly. I thought he wasn’t that into me or something and later he said his ex was there and she is crazy and he didn’t want her to fight me or come at him. Extra tid bit: Our first kiss was outside that bar too.
What he said that stuck with me was that she was the only girl that ever made him do that wolf howl and eyes bug out like the cartoon. We were watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit when that scene came on and that is what he chose would be an ok thing to say to me. I used to be morbidly obese so my confidence isn’t really that high even though I’ve lost all the extra weight. When a guy you are head over heels for says something like that it’s almost like punch in the stomach, even though I honestly believe he didn’t say it to be mean, but how can you be that oblivious? Don’t get me wrong, I do fancy myself as a lovely woman, and I hear people tell me how great I look now and how pretty I am, but from past experience I can’t tell if they are being sincere or just polite. When I was really big, I would get that – you’re really pretty for a bigger girl – line. I just realized why what he said really bothered me – Red has never really complimented me and said I look nice or pretty. It’s not like I go to see him looking like a dirty hobo. I put effort into how I look when I go out of the house. Those souther belle habits won’t die lol. I have tried all kinds of different makeup looks. Nothing crazy of course, but when you put in a little effort, the one person a girl wants to hear those compliments from his her boyfriend. And i’m not saying I need constant reassurance that I look nice, but just a – hey baby, you look beautiful – every now and then would be nice to hear. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, but again I am a mental case so my view could be a bit skewed. Aww, that makes me kind of sad to realize he has never complimented me, on anything. I’m baking him my signature sweets and if I don’t get something out of that I really hope I don’t start to cry. I’m kind of starting to tear up now realizing all this. He even didn’t try to comfort me when I was crying because I had a horrible eczema flare up and my skin looked so bad. It was on my face, arms, hands, feet, back, it was bad. I felt completely awful. This has gone to a sad place very fast.
Point that I was getting at is that I feel like I’m a better person than the ex and I definitely believe I’m an like the VIP Platinum upgrade. She isn’t totally unfortunate looking, but she resembles a leathered skin biker broad with crap tattoos and meth teeth. Like a total Monet, from far away not too bad, but up close just a horrible violent alcoholic mess. (Paraphrasing quotes – oh Mental Case you’re so clever snaps for you) But thinking about the compliment thing I am completely bummed out from that realization – let me share something from the other day to brighten things up. (Told you – Ceiling Fan Thoughts).
I have a few friends I made through work and they are really amazing and I was just so blown away at how kind they are to me. One is a guy and he is sweet and reminds me a lot of my brother. Dorktastic and loving it. We go to cosplay conventions and comicbook stores and have game nights and nerd out on some Netflix. He told me the other day he had a dream about me cooking in his Uncle’s kitchen. My response was epic and I have to give myself a tiny pat on the back for this one. So here’s what was said:
Friend: I know this sounds weird, but I had a dream about you cooking in my uncle’s kitchen.
Me: Why are you and your uncle cooking me in his kitchen?
Friend: *starts crying from laughing so hard.
Me: I know I’m a (favorite quote from Jurassic Park) – Clever Girl
We will leave it on that weird, but funny note. Be back to unleash more crazy tomorrow.
Kinda bummed but It’s fine,