I Have A Theory…Well A few

Ever need to distract your mind from itself? Welcome to my world. It’s great. Let’s have some fun.

Ok, if you have read my last post – The Fall – you know I’ve been going through a rough time. If you haven’t read it, you should. It’s the perfect representation of a completely dysfunctional human being making extremely horrible decisions. You’re welcome. So I need to distract my mind from itself and I was looking for a rabbit hole to dive into… and I totally found one. Well, a few.

I’m 29 and was in school when technology just started becoming accessible to the masses. Now, toddlers can use an iPad as good, if not better, than most college kids. It’s scary as fuck. Preschoolers are given tablets to learn shapes and colors instead of using those blocks you try to fit into the box. Remember that thing. Wasn’t it the best. Like if you couldn’t figure out that the square went into the square and kept trying to jam it into the star, you we definitely held back. But know, they are rewarded for the effort and not have to feel the frustration of not being able to jam the shape in the wrong whole. I digress. What I’m getting too is education, public education, has been dumbed down to the point where the dumbest kid in the class sets the pace for everyone else. My theory is that the government is thinking of the future voting potential and creating generations of sheeple they can easily control. Young adults will believe anything. You could show them a bogus headline with a made up picture and explain in the article it is completely fake, and they would never get to the article and just believe the headline and picture. No questions asked. That is scary.

I mean c’mon, Trump was actually voted president. Tell me that wasn’t to see if the Sheeple experiment is working. Who knows what is coming up next. I think there is a secret society like The Court of Owls in Gotham that is controlling things and setting up a complete cleansing for the future.

Think about it. I think Africa would be the beginning. How easy it would be for some of these greater powers to just pop in and take control from the uneducated drug lords and completely end the suffering of the occupying people. But no one has. Even with the all the Geneva Convention rules. You could even have Kanye West and some other millionaire just fly in and buy entire countries and improve the quality of life. It’s like all the great powers are just waiting until no one gives a shit and then boom, some disease is just going to wipe them all out and cleanse the whole continent as an experiment and it will be reported as some weird mutated strain of HIV. Parts of South America are pretty bad too, but I think African countries people care a lot less about at this point. Just think about, it’s a very interesting rabbit hole to fall down.

The government is creating generations of sheeple the can easily control with fake news. There might be some secret society planning to cleanse the world. It fits if you think about it.

Now another theory I have deals with the medical industry. There are less doctors and researchers because the medical industry doesn’t want to cure anything. They just want to create shit to help you live with it. The cure for certain cancers could have already been discovered and could completely destroy the chemotherapy treatment, but it won’t be released for another 100 years because the providers of chemotherapy would be closed out. Or chemo would become the cheaper more affordable treatment and they don’t want that to happen either. Nursing jobs have increased, not just because of the baby boomers aging out, but because the industry want to care for people, not treat them and make them better. Then you can go further and think about our food. Fast food is fucked with and contains stuff to make you addicted to it. That is proven. But when you think healthy food, a lot of it is created from genetic mutations to produce a ‘better’ version. What they are using to put in food or create food is causing organ failure across the bored in otherwise healthy people. Look back in history at the diet people had and a lot of places in the world, like Asian countries, their diets haven’t changed yet health of the population has greatly declined. We are creating sick people, to treat them, then making them sick again to keep coming back and seeking care. It’s a vicious cycle and has me scared. I mean my thoughts are just my thoughts and I might be completely wrong, but I feel there is some truth in it.

I need to stop. It gets scary thinking about just these 3 theories about what the future is going to be like. These are just my opinions and I have no hard evidence, mainly because if I found it I might lose my mind even more. It is a good distraction from what I explained in my previous blog. So here’s what you should take from this. When you are dealing with a rough time and feeling like me (again check out my last blog), conspiracy theories are a great distraction. I stayed away from aliens, because – well it’s aliens and that rabbit hole is ridiculously deep.

Until I have More Fuckery to Share,

Mental Case xoxo

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The Fall

Ever have something bad happen and not know how to come back? Totally happened and still happening to me.

I know you must be thinking – bad things happen to everyone and you just need to suck it up and get over it. But in all reality that is one of the easiest thoughts to have that is also one of the most impossible to bring into reality.

In a very short span of time I lost everything I held very dear to me. Yes, they were only things, but they brought me joy. Joy is very hard for me to come by these days. I learned to live without them and thought I was going to be ok and get through this. I kept thinking it was a depression cycle and the sun will shine again and my days will be bright and full of happiness. Those thoughts were very short lived.

What hurts the most…. more than anything else… is the loneliness. Part of it I bring on myself and I will get to that bit but the rest is hard to deal with. It’s hard not having anyone and feeling like if something happened to you, no one would know. I’m terrified of something happening to me at home and no one would bother to check up on me for weeks. It’s a scary thought to think that I am that alone.

I build up the courage and reach out to see people but they always cancel or have something better to do. I get druken texts from my ex – Red – and then he acts like I don’t exist and I was a complete mistake the next day. My phone never rings, or dings, or beeps with any notifications for weeks. It’s lonely and it hurts when you are a person that needs contact with other people. I honestly enjoy going to work every day because I know people are going to be there that talk to me and actually see me. They don’t see through me or make me feel like I am mistake. My coworkers ask how I can come to work every day with smile on my face and greet them with the most pleasant “Good Morning” and no matter what is asked of me, I never complain. I wish I could tell them the truth and respond, “because out side of this office, I don’t matter.” But of course I can’t say that, I just respond a classic, “just glad I get to live another day.” When really I’m dreading the end of the day when I walk out that door and I don’t matter to anyone any more.

Now the part of loneliness I bring on myself is because I wound up in an affair. I know, I know, I’m a horrible person. It happens. When you’re at your darkest point and someone reaches out to embrace you, you really don’t care. You just want to feel arms wrapped around you and your whole body warm from a few simple kind words. If you couldn’t tell, it’s not like I see him much. I am still alone and have to hold my teddy bear to fall asleep at night. I get the classic lines from him too – and they are good ones. My favorite is, “I’m talking to a divorce lawyer,” or “I really can’t take it anymore.” Oh, they are magnificent. Dude, I know he isn’t going to leave her, not anytime soon at least. I don’t need the hope, I just need the company or the thought someone is thinking of me. I’m not getting it in the best way, but I’m not sleeping around all over the place either. My favorite thing that he does is text me how beautiful I look every morning. Oh did I mention I work with him. Yeah, the plot is thick honey. Last time I was really depressed, you know he showed up at my house with flowers and one of his t-shirts for me to sleep in. He helped me move when no one else would and I didn’t have the money to pay for movers. I let him complain to me about his wife when I really have no remorse. I mean if how she was, was really a problem he would change it. But he doesn’t hear that from me. He just needs someone to vent to and tell him – that sucks – and he has no one. On one hand it’s very bad and on the other we are a support system for each other. It does effect me a bit more because I am the one alone with no real person to talk to. I have this blog that I have been neglecting because I lost my desire to write. I lost my desire to feel – anything. I could easily become an alcoholic. Only if I had a lot of money. Then I could just drink beer (all I like is beer) and lounge around and tell the world to fuck it, and be driven around like Daisy. I would love for someone to just drive me around places.

All joking aside, I know I have to end the affair. I’m not stable enough to right now. I think if I lost him, I would really lose my mind. He is the only one I have that would think someone is wrong if I disappeared. Seriously, what has my life become?

Fuck it, I’m going back to smoking weed. This feeling the woes of my existence crap is not helping. Here’s the plan- I’m going back to smoking and I’m going to learn to play the guitar my dad got me and I’m going to pour my feelings into music. I mean why not? It’s time to try something new. Well, that is where I’m at now. At least I’m back to writing so there’s my start.

I’m falling and I really don’t know how to get back up,

Mental Case