Ever have everything fall apart and crumble in front of you and you can’t do anything but hope it stops at a point where you might possibly be able to salvage something to rebuild? Totally happened to me.
I know I haven’t posted in a bit and there is good reason. The main being I wasn’t ready to deal with everything and I felt like shit. I still feel like shit but I can’t just stare at the ruble and ruin my life has become anymore. Time has come to rebuild. Let’s begin…
Red and I worked things out, stupid I know, but can’t change it now. He still couldn’t bother to show me any affection and gave me excuses why. My favorite was – “I’m just stressed out and dealing with a lot.” I started putting a melody to it and would sing it to him when he asked anything of me. It’s quite catchy and I find myself humming it randomly throughout the day. In my crazy girl brain I thought – well I’ll just support him through this and continue to be kind and things will get better. Of course it didn’t get better. That was a hopeless dream I held onto for way to long. It got way worse.
So, as I’m experiencing my relationship fall apart, my dad is hospitalized. My parents live in SC and I’m in TN. When my mom called and told me while I was at work. I started crying. My dad is my superman and we both have been through a lot together and he has always been my biggest supporter. I was ready to go and be by his side and help my mom, but I found out I wouldn’t be paid for the 2 days I was gone. I was just broken. I didn’t know what to do because I couldn’t afford to lose 2 days pay. My mom said he was going to be ok and it wasn’t anything super serious. I just felt like shit because I wasn’t there. It’s hard being far away from my family when things happen.
When a girl is feeling down and powerless to the ways of the world, where does she go? To her boyfriend who will hold her and let her cry it out and tell her everything is going to be ok. But did I get that? Nope. Not even close. I ask to come over because everything that happened and just wanted some company. I show up and went to hug him and he pushed me away – he said he was gross from work and got in the shower. I sat outside to have a beer and a cig and he never checked on me. He popped his head out to tell me to come fix my plate. I went upstairs and his mom wrapped her arms around me and told me it was going to be ok. That helped. When we were going to bed, I asked – I had to fucking ask – for him to hold me for a few. He rolled over and said he was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. As the tears started welling up in my eyes, I got up and grabbed my things and left. I really needed him at that moment and he couldn’t even bother. It gets better – well more tragic but at this point… what else can you say.
Then, a week after all my dad stuff, my car breaks down and needs a completely new motor. Awesome. My parents are kind enough to pay to fix it and it’s going to take a while for me to pay them back. And it doesn’t stop there.
An old friend had multiple strokes for reasons I’m still not sure of. She is 32 and has 2 kids. I went to visit her because the doctors thought it might help spark her recovery to be surrounded by familiar faces. It was really hard walking into that hospital room and seeing her on a feeding tube, hooked up to so many things and surrounded by pictures of her life. She couldn’t speak or move her right side. She grabbed my heavily tattooed arm with her left hand and when I looked in her eyes I swear I knew she was saying to me – Girl! what did you do to your arm, it’s pretty though. She used to love when I played with her hair, so after she ran her hand over my arm she put it right on her head like saying – please play with my hair. She had been in that hospital bed for over 2 months and it looked like no one has been taking care of her hair. Her dad told me they had to cut a huge mat out the back and her step mom has been helping to take care of it. Her step mom said she washed it the day before and it was just put in ball on the top of her head. Ugh. It was still wet and full of tangles. I combed it out and let it dry then braided it so it wouldn’t get messed up. Another old friend came up and we both stayed in the hospital a few days with her and did all the fun things we used to. Watched EuroTrip and a bunch of other stupid movies that made us laugh till we cried, Mani/pedis and face masked, and just talked about what has been going on since we last seen each other. It’s hard thinking I might never hear her voice again. They aren’t sure yet if she will recover enough to go to the rehab facility or if an assisted living arrangement will need to be made. I’m only a few hours away, so I’m going to go up on Saturdays to spend time with her.
Life just really sucks sometimes and the weight of everything piling on at once is a bit much. And of course, Red breaks up with me to add that extra something special to it all. He said he wasn’t willing to meet boyfriend expectations and doesn’t want to keep hurting me but he would very much like to remain friends. Oh it hurt. I knew it was coming, he was an awful boyfriend, I should have ended it sooner. I’ve learned my lesson. You know what really killed me after he broke up with me though, I have no friends here to tell me he didn’t deserve me and take me out for a drink or bring me some chicken nuggets and watch “Two Can Play that Game” with me. Or keep me from doing something crazy to my hair. It’s a very lonely feeling. Very lonely.
I do have my mom. He broke up with me while I was still at work, so I called her to help me calm down and she told me all the things to cheer me up. She qued up a list of movies for me. Told me not to touch my hair in any way and sent me an edible arrangement of fruits covered in chocolate. I can’t put into words how much I appreciate her going above and beyond to be there for me the best she can.
When it all happens at once, it’s hard for me to deal with all on my own. I know I’ll get stronger. Life just broke me and there are a lot of pieces to put back together. I’m just going to let the Motown mix play and eat chicken nuggets and have a good cry or two. Then, I’ll adult and seek guidance with my therapist.
Really wanting chicken nuggets and for nothing else to fuck up right now,