Ever realize you’re too smart for your own good? Totally happened to me.
Alright, so I had a slight crazy girl moment……
Warranted something was a bit off, and he greatly underestimates me……….his phone went off and I saw the text. I’m a smart lady, I knew how to unlock his phone. I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t see what the text said. Reading the conversation and being the romantic that I am, I understand.
It’s not what he said that angered me so, but when he said it. To add to the fun, there was more than one. Six in total. I know I slipped up right at the beginning but I got it together when I believed he deserved one hundred percent – which was really quick, stupid slip up – yes, but it happened. When I saw the first text, then read through them… you know the rabbit hole just sucks you in…I broke a bit. What kept me from breaking too much was the pictures of these ladies. What was that saying from that one comic…..you don’t fuck down, you fuck up. I do have the confidence in myself and what these ladies and their pictures (multiple might I add of all of them-it was seriously a bit extra) revealed of themselves, he went down. I know I’m a bit mental and I made my mistakes, but when it’s worth it, I’m all in. I was all in.
I grabbed my things and left. He was passed out. Had been for awhile. I didn’t say anything; I just left. I’m not going to contact him yet. I’m not ready. I left it on the screen of the conversation. There is a strong possibility he might not get it. He won’t even realize I saw it all. I’m almost slightly offended how stupid he must think I am. I do think it through and question if I can really be upset? I was in a situation and that passion got ahold of me and things got out of control. I forgave myself and moved on. You have to. But this is multiple ladies, and they are getting all the attention that I used to get at the beginning – the very beginning. He said such sweet things to them. I admit I’m jealous. One of them-Stephanie, I have heard about because he likes to talk about his exes sometimes. She was the one before me who moved to Kentucky. He gave her money to help her move and gave her more money when her things got stolen, and I had an internal issue, but he was helping a friend and I didn’t want to think too much into it to save myself the stress. He wrote…
“I loved you. I wish I had the stones to tell you when you where in my arms. You are and will always be my mountain flower.”
Like, (grasping my chest) ouch-my pride. Such lovely emotion, but not towards me. His words were so beautiful to her. I was with him the night he sent her that, which was last night. It really sucks seeing you were with him when all these conversations were taking place. I can recall the exact place I was when he was talking to them. Many times right beside him. I’m just a bit broken. I know it’s caddy, but I think I’m able to keep a terrifyingly calm about this because I feel I am and look a decent bit better than these girls. It’s horrible to say. I should feel bad about it, but it’s all I got. I believe in this circumstance though, it is allowed.
You know what that extra little jab was – he sent her a text every morning and every night, and he called her, “my mountain flower,” in each one. Attention like that didn’t come to me.
I’m going to be still for awhile and meditate on this.
I swear I’m worth it, all of it, but maybe just not to him.
A bit broken,