Ever listen to a song and you need to hear it over and over again because it distracts your brain from thinking to much, then watch the music video over and over, then download the whole album and…well you get it? Totally happening to me right now.
(and it’s Sign of the Times by Harry Styles, then I watched the video, then I downloaded the album and have just been letting it play all day on repeat. Yesterday it was Ask Me How I Know by Garth Brooks).
I’ve noticed I get in the repeat modes when I can’t slow my thoughts down enough to process them or I have obsessive thoughts that drive me crazy. I find songs that kind of calm down my mind enough for me to get through it. Lately the big issue is I don’t want to end up alone. Most people can function alone and don’t need anyone and are completely content with independence, and that’s not me. I remember a therapy session a while back when my therapist said I have dependency issues and I need to do more things alone and enjoy being with just myself. I think there is more to it than that and I don’t see it as a bad thing. Plus, it helps for me to have someone around because I am clumsy and trip and fall all the time. Just once it would be nice for someone to catch me (like that perfect moment in the romcom lol). Back to what I was saying….
I had a really bad break down about 4 years ago. I didn’t speak for 4 months and was in a hospital for about 6 months all together. In that time I was a bit trapped in my head and really couldn’t discern reality from dreaming. I knew things were real when someone was around me because I could sense their emotions. When what I was seeing wasn’t real, I couldn’t sense that emotion. It wasn’t just family either. It was with doctors and nurses and really anyone that came around me. I basically needed someone close to me so I knew what was real and that I wasn’t dreaming. I still need someone close to me or my mind starts releasing a flood of thoughts and I can’t control it. I have been successful in finding a few ways to help me control it but those options aren’t always available to me.
I am at my most calm lying with my head on Red’s chest and I can hear his heartbeat. It’s like a stop light going off in my head and everything freezes and the most comforting wave of calm washes over me. It’s my favorite way to fall asleep. But the nights that I stay at home alone are always hard. Playing songs on repeat, knitting, coloring, and cleaning do provide some relief but it never lasts long. I need a tv on to fall asleep because hearing people talk helps distract me. I can’t handle silence. Now I’m not talking being up close right next to someone all squished up in their personal bubble. Just in the same space as someone. It just sucks being called clingy. Society pushes this notion that you have to learn to be happy on your own before you can be happy with anyone else, some independent mess, and all that jazz. I don’t fit that. Nothing about me is normal so why do people think I need to be forced into that mold. Can’t I just be the way I am and people are happy with it? When people just let me be I’m actually quite an enjoyable person to be around.
Red is pretty good with me even though he doesn’t know about my bipolarness or really anything about my past. I wonder if he will ever notice he never hears me talk about my past. One reason, he never asks, and the other is I don’t want him knowing a lot of it. I know a lot of his past and when he was sharing the recent happenings of his ex getting arrested for hitting her new bf and was trying to hit up some of their mutual friends for bail money, I told him I really don’t want to hear about her anymore. I was completely pleasant and just nicely asked to not hear about her. I don’t talk about my crap exes, but I swear next time he brings her up I’ll play the Who Had The Worst Ex game with him and completely destroy him. I know he doesn’t tell me these stories to make me upset, he just wants someone to know how horrible it was, ya know. I get that. It did make him feel better knowing how great he has it now. He told me that. But a part of me was just slightly dying on the inside because I was thinking – does he have it better? Am I better? I really want to think so and I believe a bit more time I will definitely know for sure. He has told me I am the girl he never thought he would find and that is very comforting, but I have a crazy girl brain and even though he told me that I can’t just believe it like right off dick.
I know what really makes me a bit nervous and worry too much is that I haven’t had a real relationship (like where i’m not just the side action, but like a real one where he isn’t married) that lasted more than 2 months since ….. oh my…… wow since college. His name was Will. We were together for 1 year 4 months and 3 days. That one kind of traumatized me. He cheated on me with my best friend. I found out by walking in on them getting it on in our bed. People say finding out your man is cheating on you really sucks, but there is a deeper level of suckage my friends. Walking in on the love of your life giving it to your best friend really sucks. Oh and I didn’t hold back the crazy either when it happened. I grabbed a baseball bat and ran them out the house naked. They ran down to her place at the end of the road screaming I’m crazy and they were going to call the cops. The police were at my door about 20 minutes later. I had started packing his things at that point and was drinking wine out the bottle. I explained to them what had happened and they agreed it was a shitty thing to discover and were actually quite worried about leaving me alone. I didn’t really have anyone else to come and just sit with me and keep me from doing anything super dangerous, so those officers actually came by my house every few hours to check on me. One even came by after her shift and brought me a bottle of wine.
Now Red and I are headed towards 3 months. That’s a really big deal for me (even though in the full scope of life I know it’s nothing to really get that amped up about). I know I just need to calm down and chill out, but I just get a little excited that this one might actually stick around for awhile. I try and internalize the excitement because that is a lot to expect from someone that has only known me for a short time. He still might send me a random text at any time saying he doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore and leave, but I’m really trying to not think of that and just enjoy us. Thinking of him leaving is one of the worst thoughts I’m dealing with and I try over and over again to tell myself he hasn’t left yet so why worry. But then that after shock thought pops up saying – but what if he does leave because you’re not good enough. I just need to keep my mind occupied so I don’t think about it. Maybe I’ll bake something. Yes, I think I will. A cheesecake possibly. Maybe with a cocoa crispy marshmallow treat crust. Yep, that is what I will make. Oh wait, fruity pebble marshmallow treat crust — ohhh yes.
I have noticed a difference since starting this diary in not being as impulsive and thinking my actions through before going forth with making really bad decisions. Even though I really don’t have anyone to talk to about everything, I do have this diary/blog thing. It helps to get it out in this medium and when the therapy starts I think things will only get better.
Repeating songs and missing bongs,