Arguing with Thy Self

Ever want to talk to someone about something but you play it out in your head first then end up arguing with yourself about how you reacted and just realize you’re not going to have the conversation with the actual person because it played out badly in your head? Totally happening to me.

I’m a little extra stressed lately and avoiding alcohol. I have broken down and smoked twice but only a few hits. When drinking, I always drink too much and i’m sick for days after and I get extremely depressed and cry and think that everything would be better if I wasn’t here. So….. I’m just not drinking. When smoking, I only can do a few hits and I’m relaxed and it’s the only way I can get an appetite to eat lately. I really never feel hungry anymore because of the surgery and have been very forgetful lately about eating and a whole day will go by and I haven’t eaten at all. I realized I didn’t eat dinner for the past 4 days.  Part of that could be the stress.

Let’s talk about stress. I’m going on a deep sea fishing trip with my Dad and a few family friends for his birthday. I’m really excited. I can do rough seas and that bit isn’t what is stressing me out, it’s more the ride down there. I don’t travel that great when someone else is driving or I can’t smoke. Well, that is part of it. The other part is one of the family friends going – her and my mom had a really bad fall out a few years back and she can be a bit of a bitch – you would say – and I don’t want her to start any drama with me. One reason they got into a fight is because she said some very un-nice things about me to my mom and that started the fight between them. You never speak ill of someone else’s children that way. Like if you need to tell someone something unfortunate about their child, there is a proper way to do it that is not like your are punching them in the face with words – you know what I mean?

The person I used to be doesn’t exist anymore. I have grown up a bit and learned from my mistakes and got my shit together. Quite well if I might add. She is one of those women that will say things to start drama and loves to stir a pot and just be dramatastic to the max. Completely unpleasant sometimes. I just don’t want her to come at me. She hasn’t seen me since I have lost the weight and being larger was a lot of her distaste towards me. She looks at overweight people like you would at used condoms on the street. Yeah, imagine that face. I know it will be ok. I’m extremely pleasant and Southern F*ck You is my first language. I would never do anything to cause drama on my Dad’s trip. But if she comes at me sideways for anything, I will calmly tell her to go f*ck herself. Oh and smile. Can’t forget the smile.

With all this building stress, I have gotten back into yoga and working out and building up that stamina so when Red and I go on adventures, I don’t die. But what happens when I work out is I start thinking. Not always the best, but sometimes I surprise myself.

I realized some things about me the other day that are actually really nice. As a girlfriend, I’m kind and considerate. I don’t blow up his phone or constantly text until I get a reply. If I call once and he doesn’t pick up , I know he is busy and will call me back when he can. I take pride in myself and look nice. I don’t smother him on the couch when we sit together. I listen to his problems and let him drive my car. I understand that he is stressed out with a few things (I know what they are but they don’t need to be written down) and his words can be a bit harsh. He never meant them to hurt me, but they still did. He would always apologize later. I clean and cook. I get on with his family really well. I’m really quite happy when I’m around him because I genuinely love being around him. I’m understanding when he is too tired to see me. I’m always down for getting out and about when he wants. What I’m getting at is I think I’m a pretty decent partner. So why is it when I want to be close to him for a few minutes when laying in bed, I get told – “why don’t you move over there.” Granted he has been in a pissy mood because of something else he is dealing with and he has never said that to me before, It makes me want to scream. Ok, so you know the whole arguing with thyself thing that started this flood of words – it relates to this…

I needed to get out that first bit to get to this bit. When he asked me to leave because he wouldn’t get any sleep with the cat hissing at the dogs then was passed out before I left. I didn’t say anything to him. I simply responded, “Ok, I’ll leave in a minute.” I got quiet, looked at my dogs, then got dressed and left. I didn’t hear from him at all the next day. I didn’t text him or call, I knew he was working. I was a little sad but hey people get busy. I get over things pretty quickly, but when I didn’t hear from him at all the next day after being told I needed to go… It was kind of a let down. This happened on a Monday and I’m leaving for my trip on Thursday and won’t be back till the following Tuesday. I didn’t hear from him until Wednesday late afternoon, only after I called to see if he wanted to see me before being gone. He has been working extra hard so I knew there was a big possibility he would be too tired to get dinner and spend time together before I left. Just when the possibility becomes the reality, it’s a bit sad. Him being like that isn’t what makes me sad, it’s that I know what it is like to be greatly wanted by someone who can’t have you. He does have me, so it’s like he doesn’t try. But someone else wants me more. (And I know you are reading this, and no it’s not you Baggage. It’s the mistake I told you about that Red can’t know about. Not everything is about you lol).

I’m not asking for much, but just a simple phone call to tell me goodnight, or a text. I would prefer a phone call, they are a bit more personal. I’m not wanting constant attention, but just something more than days of nothing. So I was arguing with myself on how to talk to him about it. I don’t think it is out of line or completely unreasonable what I’m missing in our relationship. So in my head here is how it played out – Brain is him and Me is, well me:

Me: Hey darlin, can I talk to you about something.

Brain: Sure baby, whats up.

Me: You know how you can go days with out ever saying anything to me, could you at least tell me goodnight.

Brain: You know I can’t always get to my phone and when I work really hard I tend to come home and pass out.

Me: Yeah, I understand, but it would just be nice to know you thought of me at some point.

Brain: You’re right baby. I do think about you, I just get so worn out and I mean to call you, but I close my eyes and next thing I know it’s morning. I’ll call baby.

——————————-

That is the best scenario I think. But then my brain did this shit.

——————————-

Me: You know how you can go days with out ever saying anything to me, could you at least tell me goodnight.

Brain: I swear babe, I’m not trying to be mean but you can be clingy. I really can’t deal with that right now.

Me: You told me to move over, and I did. You tell me to leave and I do, with no argument might I add. I never text or call you when you’re at work. I don’t demand your attention when you’re watching your shows. I’m not a fucking puppy that you are having to deal with – I’m your girlfriend and a fucking amazing one at that. I support you in everything. I’ve listened to you talk about your ex because you have so much anger towards her and have never been able to let it out. And every single memory you tell me is awful and feels like a fucking punch in the face. But I take it and never say anything bad about her and never judge you for letting things go on that way for as long as they did. I don’t bring up my past because the one time I did you judged me so fast and made me feel extremely small. All I ask for is a phone call or text, it’s not like I’m asking for a compliment, which I never get, just a split fucking second of your time to feel wanted.

Brain: I can’t deal with this, you need to leave.

——————–

See my brain is a fucking dick too. I know i’m fretting on absolutely nothing and I probably won’t have that conversation with him. If he didn’t want me, then we wouldn’t be together. I know that is how simple-guy-brain works, but I have a crazy-girl-brain and sometimes she just needs a little reassurance. I really am complaining about nothing and when I’m with him, all that shit just doesn’t even matter. It’s just I know the true root of the problem is that Mistake makes me feel wanted, every day. And he isn’t the one I want to be making me feel that way. I get attention from everyone but the one man I want to get attention from. That’s exactly it.

I almost want to see how long it would take him to contact me. Let’s do an experiment. I’m driving a long distance this evening and I don’t see that great at night. He knows this and he know I’m driving a long way alone at night. We talked last night when I called before he went to bed. Haven’t heard from him at all today and it’s about 3pm now. Let’s see how long it takes for him to contact me. It’s a bit caddy and beneath me, but I am a mental case so I’ll allow it this one time. Once we have the findings, don’t worry a massive emotional overload will not happen. I’m just curious to see how long he will go without saying anything to me. It’s Thursday – day 1.

Did you not know I’m a scientist too?

Mental Case

Advertisements