Ever have someone make you feel bad for having a horrible allergic reaction that makes your skin look very Freddy Kruegeresque then discover it was their fault you look like that? And a few days later they ask you to leave after inviting you over. Totally happened to me.
My pride has taken a bit of a blow in the past few weeks. I was a contender. My confidence was up, my lust for life was blossoming, and I had a major wardrobe upgrade. All that came horrifically crashing down in the matter of 2 days. I started having really bad skin reactions and I thought it was allergies to something around me. I changed out all my soaps, switched to super gentle detergents, meticulously cleaned my house. Washed everything. Started wiping the dogs off when they came in from outside so they weren’t bringing in plant bits. When that didn’t work, I started cutting out foods. Even though it wasn’t a food allergy, I did find certain foods or ingredients I cut out really made me feel so much better so that’s a positive. We’ll get to what it really was in a sec. After the foods, I was starting to think it was Red’s cat. I had never been allergic to cats before, so I really didn’t think that was it. He didn’t use any of the big brand detergents that make me break out. I was just going through everything I could think of that could be causing the reaction. At this point my skin looked terrible, covered in rashes and sores. I felt ugly and unwanted. Not a good feeling.
I remember standing in Red’s kitchen and he was on my left. I have had to wear long sleeves around him because he said my skin looked disgusting. He asked me, “aren’t you hot in that jacket.” I responded, “yes, but you think I look disgusting so I try to cover up.” He said, “yea, it does look really bad.” I started crying. Not like a burst out in sobs cry, but my eyes welled up and tears just started rolling down my face. No one wants to hear that. If you have been reading these past few entries, you can kind of tell Red isn’t the most sensitive of men. I grabbed a paper towel to blot the tears away and try not to smudge my mascara all over my face. He asked why I was crying and I gently whispered, “I look so bad, you don’t even want to touch me. I can’t even remember the last time you gave me a hug.” Then turned away and headed downstairs. I couldn’t hold back the tears and I didn’t want him or his family to see me crying.
While I was looking in the mirror and just removing all my eye makeup because it was a lost cause to try and salvage it at this point. Something someone told me popped in my head about bed bugs and how my skin looks similar to a reaction to bed bugs. I turned and looked at the bed and thought it wouldn’t hurt to check. And that is exactly what I found. I look like I could be Freddy Krueger’s daughter because Red had bed bugs. We got it taken care of and got a new mattress and did all the stuff, but seriously. What the Florida? I have never encountered bed bugs so that is why I didn’t think of that as a possibility. I didn’t have them at my house thank goodness, but I treated everything just in case. I kept my cool and of course didn’t get mad at him or anything. Getting angry isn’t really my nature and I think one day he will come to greatly appreciate that about me. I was actually happy it wasn’t the cat and that I finally figured out what was causing the problem.
Red isn’t the most sensitive man, which I accept and kind of like (always been a bit drawn to the assholes), but when it is just us, I feel he could have been a bit nicer in how he said things to me about my skin. He really wouldn’t touch me and it was awful. I did talk to him about it, but I don’t think it really registered with him. But let him drink a bottle of whisky and he shares his inner demons and feelings and i’m right there to hold/comfort him and let him know he is the most amazing man ever. I accept him for who he is and I don’t make him feel bad for anything, I just wish he wasn’t such a guy sometimes when he says stupid shit that really does hurt my feelings. I know he doesn’t do it intentionally, so I’m not angry with him, just hurt.
My skin has gone almost back to normal. I do have a good amount of scarring in the form of little dots all over my right arm, but just gives me more of an excuse for tattoos. There is always a silver lining.
A day after the whole bed bug thing, he did feel really bad. He wanted to do something special for me and little side fact – I love going on car rides – yes just like dog lol. I love to look out the window and feel the wind through my fingers and just take in all the things while jamming out to great music and not giving a care in the world. I can’t do that when I drive – my car is a 6-speed beast – so I let Red drive for the first time. I don’t really let anyone drive my car, it’s not easy to drive and she is like my baby. He only stalled out a few times which isn’t bad. My gears are really tight and it’s a super short shifter and it takes some getting used to if your not in a race car all the time. Once he got it down, we were good. He took me for a drive through the mountains and it was amazing. I saw all kinds of water falls and beautiful vistas of the mountains. We stopped off at a few places and got a lot of great pictures. He took me to this little shack of place to eat and it was delicious. I was happier than a tween at a puppy party. For dinner, he smoked salmon and his mom and I made all kinds of fixins’. Just a really nice day and an amazing night – if you know what I mean ;). But with the good, comes the bad.
Next time I came, he asked me to bring the dogs. He really only likes one of my dogs, but they both love him. His cat isn’t too fond of the dogs, but only one is interested in getting closer to him. My other dog, I call her my old lady, really couldn’t care less about the cat. She doesn’t bark at it or chase it, really doesn’t care. Now the other dog, totally different. He doesn’t bark at the cat, he really just wants to play with it. He is a small dog and about the same size as the cat. He just gets too excited when he sees cat and wants to play. Cat does not like that. I have been researching healthy ways to introduce a dog to a cat and hold him to let the cat come closer. The cat come up to him and my dog even licked his face but when he started smelling, cat started hissing and went back to his perch to stare down at the peasants. At that point Red said I just needed to probably go because he wouldn’t get any sleep with the cat hissing at the dog all night.
I did ask multiple times before I brought them if he was sure because just the tapping of their nails on the wood floor annoys him in the morning.
-Really any noise kind of eerks him in the morning. Note: Red is not a morning person – that was a super fun fact to learn about him.
He said to bring them. So I did. Then he tells me I need to go after about an hour. Seriously, Sir? What the Florida? And since getting angry really isn’t in my nature, I just got really quiet. Looked over at the bra and dress I would have to put back on and just sighed. Told him, “ok, I’ll leave in just a second.” The dogs were snuggled up beside me on the couch and I just looked down at them and felt bad. Red just went to lay in the bed and didn’t say anything and went to sleep. I changed out of my pjs and back in the chest torture device and my dress and left. I know he wasn’t being mean, but it just hurts being told you need to leave. Anywhere. That hurt a bit more than being unbridesmaided but not as much as being told I needed to leave because the girl at the bar was hotter. Yeah, I have had some pretty awful first dates. And let me say she was not hotter, she was just wearing less clothing and was pushing that Down to F*uck hard AF. Dating sucks dicks.
I’m probably to understanding of a person, but I don’t see it as a bad quality. I’m very logical and aware of reasoning for things. I understood he needed a good night of sleep for work the next day. It just hurts.
Going through all the withdrawals does make me a bit extra sensitive and I’m hoping that will get better. I’m finishing up week 2 of not having anything and the night terrors aren’t as bad and the panic attacks are getting better. I’m trying new hobbies and getting back into old ones that I used to do. I have to keep my hands busy or I start thinking too much and then I want something to help dull down the amount of thoughts. I’ve also started working out to deal with the stress of being me and it has really helped. That lust for life is coming back and Red and I are planning really fun weekend activities like hiking, fishing, camping, and kayaking. I love just being outdoors. So it’s just little things about Red, like how he says things sometimes, that i’m learning to not let get under my skin. I’m a sensitive baby sometimes and even though I know he didn’t mean it in a bad way, it can just be a bit harsh. I have talked to him about it but he doesn’t realize that he is doing it. I think the more we learn about each other the better it will be. We had some really deep chats where he did let his more sensitive side show and I know what he has been through and I’m completely different from any girl he has ever dated. We both have huge walls and as they slowly start to come down we learn more about each other. I love him and I just melt when he tells me, “I love you more than you will ever know Mon Cher.” In the end I know it will always be ok.
In every great adventure there will be a few rough obstacles, but that’s what makes it great ;). On to experience what happens next….
There is always a silver lining,