My Mountain Flower

Ever realize you’re too smart for your own good? Totally happened to me.

Alright, so I had a slight crazy girl moment……

Warranted something was a bit off, and he greatly underestimates me……….his phone went off and I saw the text. I’m a smart lady, I knew how to unlock his phone.  I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t see what the text said. Reading the conversation and being the romantic that I am, I understand.

It’s not what he said that angered me so, but when he said it. To add to the fun, there was more than one. Six in total. I know I slipped up right at the beginning but I got it together when I believed he deserved one hundred percent – which was really quick, stupid slip up – yes, but it happened. When I saw the first text, then read through them… you know the rabbit hole just sucks you in…I broke a bit. What kept me from breaking too much was the pictures of these ladies. What was that saying from that one comic…..you don’t fuck down, you fuck up. I do have the confidence in myself and what these ladies and their pictures (multiple might I add of all of them-it was seriously a bit extra) revealed of themselves, he went down. I know I’m a bit mental and I made my mistakes, but when it’s worth it, I’m all in. I was all in.

I grabbed my things and left. He was passed out. Had been for awhile. I didn’t say anything; I just left. I’m not going to contact him yet. I’m not ready. I left it on the screen of the conversation. There is a strong possibility he might not get it. He won’t even realize I saw it all. I’m almost slightly offended how stupid he must think I am. I do think it through and question if I can really be upset? I was in a situation and that passion got ahold of me and things got out of control. I forgave myself and moved on. You have to. But this is multiple ladies, and they are getting all the attention that I used to get at the beginning – the very beginning. He said such sweet things to them. I admit I’m jealous. One of them-Stephanie, I have heard about because he likes to talk about his exes sometimes. She was the one before me who moved to Kentucky. He gave her money to help her move and gave her more money when her things got stolen, and I had an internal issue, but he was helping a friend and I didn’t want to think too much into it to save myself the stress. He wrote…

“I loved you. I wish I had the stones to tell you when you where in my arms. You are and will always be my mountain flower.”

Like, (grasping my chest) ouch-my pride. Such lovely emotion, but not towards me. His words were so beautiful to her. I was with him the night he sent her that, which was last night. It really sucks seeing you were with him when all these conversations were taking place. I can recall the exact place I was when he was talking to them. Many times right beside him. I’m just a bit broken. I know it’s caddy, but I think I’m able to keep a terrifyingly calm about this because I feel I am and look a decent bit better than these girls. It’s horrible to say. I should feel bad about it, but it’s all I got. I believe in this circumstance though, it is allowed.

You know what that extra little jab was – he sent her a text every morning and every night, and he called her, “my mountain flower,” in each one. Attention like that didn’t come to me.

I’m going to be still for awhile and meditate on this.

I swear I’m worth it, all of it, but maybe just not to him.

A bit broken,

Mental Case

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How Mental Got Her Groove Back

Ever have an amazing epiphany that changes everything? Totally happening to me right now.

I don’t know why I’m trippin’ so much lately. Well, I know I have the mental thing going on, but it still shouldn’t be as bad. I have been thinking too much about my relationship and purpose in life and just whiny and….. Girl Get It Together! I needed to get over some shit and I finally built that bridge.

Took long enough – jeez.

I was listening to a song yesterday and one of the lyrics really stuck with me. It just made me realize I am the master of this sea of crazy in my head. I’m fucking Neptune in this bitch. Fuck with me. My perspective on life and relationships is changing and it’s so much better. I feel like so much weight has been lifted off of me.

When it comes to my relationship with Red, I have had a few crazy girl moments. Obviously. I changed the perspective of how I’m looking at things and I gained some much needed confidence back in myself. I think that’s what was missing. I had no confidence in myself and that stems from years of being overweight and putting myself down and letting others put me down. I know that’s not a problem that will automatically get fixed overnight, but….. (and this is going to sound so vain but dammit I needed it)….I saw myself in the mirror and damn – I look good. Like, I look really good. I’m gorgeous and I have so much going for me. I’m very well educated, I have a great sense of humor, I have a great job, I have a bad ass 6-speed muscle car, I get on well with everyone, I have the most amazing emerald green eyes, my hair is lux, I take good care of myself now, and I’m totally worth it. I have been putting in effort to get a compliment out of him and why? I can just compliment my damn self.

Girl you lovely and have eyes that can hypnotize!

Do you realize you haven’t had to open a door for yourself in any public space since you moved here?

You make men blush with just a smile. Honey, you got IT.

When you wear that black velvet mini dress tonight – Yaaaasssss! Queen! Slay!

Ok, I’m done.

——————————

I was completely twizted there for a bit. Thank goodness I woke up. I just need to stop trying so hard. I have him. I win. My mom would even tell me I could do better. Even though she adores Red, she knows I could really upgrade if I wanted. But how could he see me as a beautiful amazing creature if I don’t see myself that way – ya know?

(Oh I also started therapy, and he was amazed at my self-awareness of what my problems were and why they aren’t being fixed. I thought everyone was like that. Don’t we all know our problems and find ways to distract ourselves from them so we don’t have to fix them yet?)

I do completely agree and understand that I can not drink alcohol. I have a drinking problem. It’s not that I was drinking everyday, but when I did drink, I couldn’t stop until I was blackout drunk. Then, I would be depressed and sick and in a dark place for days. I really can’t drink. It’s not for me. I’m Bipolar – with the platinum edition upgrade pack. What was I thinking drinking all that alcohol knowing it was going to be a disaster every time? Oh yea – Crazy.  Now, smoking green on the other hand might still need to be done for a little bit longer. It would just throw me a bit too out of whack to stop 2 vices at once. One at time is the best way with this mental case.

I still have a long way to go. Working with a therapist and taking it day by day is really my formula for success. I see my therapist like bumper rails on the bowling lane. It helps to have someone there to guide you back to where you need to be to keep moving forward.

Changing my diet has also really improved my physical, but also my mental health. I have cut out all processed foods, dairy, gluten, and sugar. I haven’t been able to tolerate dairy, gluten, or sugar really well since the surgery so that wasn’t too bad to cut out. Especially sugar. I couldn’t do anything sweet, unless it was wine. I still have about 30 lbs left to lose to reach my personal goal. I will get there by my 30th birthday and I’m going to look amazing. I’m entering the next decade of my life in style. I already have the shoes, so you know it will happen lol.

I’m taking back control and I’m killing it! If I fall, I have the support and drive to dust myself off and keep on moving. I’m still a bit mental, but a fun mental instead of the depressed paranoid version. The adventure is finally getting exciting.

I’m Fucking Neptune,

Mental Case

Call Me Pete, Re-Pete

Ever listen to a song and you need to hear it over and over again because it distracts your brain from thinking to much, then watch the music video over and over, then download the whole album and…well you get it? Totally happening to me right now.

(and it’s Sign of the Times by Harry Styles, then I watched the video, then I downloaded the album and have just been letting it play all day on repeat. Yesterday it was Ask Me How I Know by Garth Brooks).

I’ve noticed I get in the repeat modes when I can’t slow my thoughts down enough to process them or I have obsessive thoughts that drive me crazy. I find songs that kind of calm down my mind enough for me to get through it. Lately the big issue is I don’t want to end up alone. Most people can function alone and don’t need anyone and are completely content with independence, and that’s not me. I remember a therapy session a while back when my therapist said I have dependency issues and I need to do more things alone and enjoy being with just myself. I think there is more to it than that and I don’t see it as a bad thing. Plus, it helps for me to have someone around because I am clumsy and trip and fall all the time. Just once it would be nice for someone to catch me (like that perfect moment in the romcom lol). Back to what I was saying….

I had a really bad break down about 4 years ago. I didn’t speak for 4 months and was in a hospital for about 6 months all together. In that time I was a bit trapped in my head and really couldn’t discern reality from dreaming. I knew things were real when someone was around me because I could sense their emotions. When what I was seeing wasn’t real, I couldn’t sense that emotion. It wasn’t just family either. It was with doctors and nurses and really anyone that came around me. I basically needed someone close to me so I knew what was real and that I wasn’t dreaming. I still need someone close to me or my mind starts releasing a flood of thoughts and I can’t control it. I have been successful in finding a few ways to help me control it but those options aren’t always available to me.

I am at my most calm lying with my head on Red’s chest and I can hear his heartbeat. It’s like a stop light going off in my head and everything freezes and the most comforting wave of calm washes over me. It’s my favorite way to fall asleep. But the nights that I stay at home alone are always hard. Playing songs on repeat, knitting, coloring, and cleaning do provide some relief but it never lasts long. I need a tv on to fall asleep because hearing people talk helps distract me. I can’t handle silence.  Now I’m not talking being up close right next to someone all squished up in their personal bubble. Just in the same space as someone. It just sucks being called clingy. Society pushes this notion that you have to learn to be happy on your own before you can be happy with anyone else, some independent mess, and all that jazz. I don’t fit that. Nothing about me is normal so why do people think I need to be forced into that mold. Can’t I just be the way I am and people are happy with it? When people just let me be I’m actually quite an enjoyable person to be around.

Red is pretty good with me even though he doesn’t know about my bipolarness or really anything about my past. I wonder if he will ever notice he never hears me talk about my past. One reason, he never asks, and the other is I don’t want him knowing a lot of it.  I know a lot of his past and when he was sharing the recent happenings of his ex getting arrested for hitting her new bf and was trying to hit up some of their mutual friends for bail money, I told him I really don’t want to hear about her anymore. I was completely pleasant and just nicely asked to not hear about her. I don’t talk about my crap exes, but I swear next time he brings her up I’ll play the Who Had The Worst Ex game with him and completely destroy him. I know he doesn’t tell me these stories to make me upset, he just wants someone to know how horrible it was, ya know. I get that. It did make him feel better knowing how great he has it now. He told me that. But a part of me was just slightly dying on the inside because I was thinking – does he have it better? Am I better? I really want to think so and I believe a bit more time I will definitely know for sure. He has told me I am the girl he never thought he would find and that is very comforting, but I have a crazy girl brain and even though he told me that I can’t just believe it like right off dick.

I know what really makes me a bit nervous and worry too much is that I haven’t had a real relationship (like where i’m not just the side action, but like a real one where he isn’t married) that lasted more than 2 months since ….. oh my…… wow since college. His name was Will. We were together for 1 year 4 months and 3 days. That one kind of traumatized me. He cheated on me with my best friend. I found out by walking in on them getting it on in our bed. People say finding out your man is cheating on you really sucks, but there is a deeper level of suckage my friends. Walking in on the love of your life giving it to your best friend really sucks. Oh and I didn’t hold back the crazy either when it happened. I grabbed a baseball bat and ran them out the house naked. They ran down to her place at the end of the road screaming I’m crazy and they were going to call the cops. The police were at my door about 20 minutes later. I had started packing his things at that point and was drinking wine out the bottle. I explained to them what had happened and they agreed it was a shitty thing to discover and were actually quite worried about leaving me alone. I didn’t really have anyone else to come and just sit with me and keep me from doing anything super dangerous, so those officers actually came by my house every few hours to check on me. One even came by after her shift and brought me a bottle of wine.

Now Red and I are headed towards 3 months. That’s a really big deal for me (even though in the full scope of life I know it’s nothing to really get that amped up about). I know I just need to calm down and chill out, but I just get a little excited that this one might actually stick around for awhile. I try and internalize the excitement because that is a lot to expect from someone that has only known me for a short time. He still might send me a random text at any time saying he doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore and leave, but I’m really trying to not think of that and just enjoy us. Thinking of him leaving is one of the worst thoughts I’m dealing with and I try over and over again to tell myself he hasn’t left yet so why worry.  But then that after shock thought pops up saying – but what if he does leave because you’re not good enough. I just need to keep my mind occupied so I don’t think about it. Maybe I’ll bake something. Yes, I think I will. A cheesecake possibly. Maybe with a cocoa crispy marshmallow treat crust. Yep, that is what I will make. Oh wait, fruity pebble marshmallow treat crust — ohhh yes.

I have noticed a difference since starting this diary in not being as impulsive and thinking my actions through before going forth with making really bad decisions. Even though I really don’t have anyone to talk to about everything, I do have this diary/blog thing. It helps to get it out in this medium and when the therapy starts I think things will only get better.

Repeating songs and missing bongs,

Mental Case

Sometimes You Have To Properly Adult

Ever stop for a moment to analyze yourself and come to the conclusion you’re just a mess and it’s time to clean up and properly adult? Totally happening to me right now.

I have been on a complaining kick lately and it’s entirely unnecessary. I kind of needed a slap in the face to snap out of it. I got that in the form of a horrible hangover. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was, and indulged a bit too much. I was doing so well but the little party gremlin that lives in my head just wanted a night out. I don’t know what I was thinking. Well, actually I do. I just didn’t want to deal with  everything I have had buried deep down for so long. I was ok there for a bit taking on the demons, but then they just started getting worse. I know I need help and will get it. It’s just hard not having a friend or someone to talk to about everything I’m dealing with. I’m going to start therapy, but I really want to talk to Red about it. I could probably talk to Red about it and I should, but I’m just afraid of what might happen if I open up. Letting people in and get close to me hasn’t worked out so great in the past. My heart has been broken every time. But I need to just let go of the fear and talk to him. I’m struggling and it would really be nice to have some support. I’m going to talk to him. I will do it……….it just might take me a bit.

After realizing I have been just in a negative place lately and complaining, I think it is time to properly adult and take responsibility. The situation I have found myself in is at no one else’s fault but my own. So that means only I can fix it and get to a happier place. The issue is I’m a bit allergic to hard work and taking care of myself is  extremely hard work. I was diagnosed with bipolar II and I have really bad anxiety issues and self medicating is not working – clearly. Now that was just one doctors diagnosis but I fit the description perfectly. I was on medication for a while but I was a vegetable. I was tired all the time and felt sick and my head was foggy. My medication was changed frequently and finding the right cocktail of meds just wasn’t happening. I went off the medication and sought other means to keep me level – epic fail. Realizing that I am failing and I’m headed for a major breakdown has me terrified. I don’t want to go through that (again) and I don’t want anyone around me to have to go through it either. I’m really scared to talk to anyone about it because there is this stigma attached to people with mental illness and I don’t want to be exiled. When I was overweight, medical term was “morbidly obese”, people seemed to be disgusted just to be in my presence.  Now that I lost the weight, and I really am a lovely girl, I don’t want to go through the same thing because I have a mental illness. I have been broken up with, unfriended, given up on, and let down after confiding in someone enough to tell them. People are shit. I know that is a big reason I haven’t told Red. I don’t want him to leave me. I honestly don’t think it’s time yet either. That may be an excuse and possibly completely wrong and I should tell him, but fuck it, I’m crazy and that’s just how I’m rollin’ at the moment.

So to help myself and get this crazy under some sense of control, I have plan. Research, stick to a schedule, therapy, and take it day by day. It sounds so simple but this will probably be the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. To help, I have a few long term goals. One is to look bangin’ for my 30th birthday in 8 months. Two, pay off my credit card by the end of the year. Three, save enough money to take my mom and cousin to Biltmore when it’s all decorated for Christmas. Totally achievable. My short term goals consist of getting on a set schedule, cutting out caffeine to better manage my anxiety, de-cluttering all the stuffs, eating better, working out, explore the city, and really just taking better care of myself. I just have to be careful and not overwhelm myself with expectations which could very quickly lead to an anxiety attack and breakdown.  Side note: being bipolar with horrible anxiety sucks major dicks! And if you are wondering what it’s like – it’s like trying to get a singing kids toy to turn off and it won’t turn off and just keeps singing that stupid song over and over again and you smash it and throw it and rip it apart, but it keeps singing and when you feel like dying so you can finally have peace, the singing stops. Yeah, that’s about right. Welcome to my life. Oh, and I would never hurt my self like that because I value my life and I kinda want to see what’s in store for me. There is so much I haven’t experienced so I need to get better so I can adventure and do all the things.

I am in a better place and I’m going to properly adult and get my shit together. I mean it’s time. I’m almost 30 fucking years old and I have dreams and goals and a really great life if I want it and I know I can do it this time. I have no excuses at this point. Not drinking will be a struggle, but becoming the most awesome me is going to be so worth it.

Properly Adulting Like A Boss,

Mental Case

Arguing with Thy Self

Ever want to talk to someone about something but you play it out in your head first then end up arguing with yourself about how you reacted and just realize you’re not going to have the conversation with the actual person because it played out badly in your head? Totally happening to me.

I’m a little extra stressed lately and avoiding alcohol. I have broken down and smoked twice but only a few hits. When drinking, I always drink too much and i’m sick for days after and I get extremely depressed and cry and think that everything would be better if I wasn’t here. So….. I’m just not drinking. When smoking, I only can do a few hits and I’m relaxed and it’s the only way I can get an appetite to eat lately. I really never feel hungry anymore because of the surgery and have been very forgetful lately about eating and a whole day will go by and I haven’t eaten at all. I realized I didn’t eat dinner for the past 4 days.  Part of that could be the stress.

Let’s talk about stress. I’m going on a deep sea fishing trip with my Dad and a few family friends for his birthday. I’m really excited. I can do rough seas and that bit isn’t what is stressing me out, it’s more the ride down there. I don’t travel that great when someone else is driving or I can’t smoke. Well, that is part of it. The other part is one of the family friends going – her and my mom had a really bad fall out a few years back and she can be a bit of a bitch – you would say – and I don’t want her to start any drama with me. One reason they got into a fight is because she said some very un-nice things about me to my mom and that started the fight between them. You never speak ill of someone else’s children that way. Like if you need to tell someone something unfortunate about their child, there is a proper way to do it that is not like your are punching them in the face with words – you know what I mean?

The person I used to be doesn’t exist anymore. I have grown up a bit and learned from my mistakes and got my shit together. Quite well if I might add. She is one of those women that will say things to start drama and loves to stir a pot and just be dramatastic to the max. Completely unpleasant sometimes. I just don’t want her to come at me. She hasn’t seen me since I have lost the weight and being larger was a lot of her distaste towards me. She looks at overweight people like you would at used condoms on the street. Yeah, imagine that face. I know it will be ok. I’m extremely pleasant and Southern F*ck You is my first language. I would never do anything to cause drama on my Dad’s trip. But if she comes at me sideways for anything, I will calmly tell her to go f*ck herself. Oh and smile. Can’t forget the smile.

With all this building stress, I have gotten back into yoga and working out and building up that stamina so when Red and I go on adventures, I don’t die. But what happens when I work out is I start thinking. Not always the best, but sometimes I surprise myself.

I realized some things about me the other day that are actually really nice. As a girlfriend, I’m kind and considerate. I don’t blow up his phone or constantly text until I get a reply. If I call once and he doesn’t pick up , I know he is busy and will call me back when he can. I take pride in myself and look nice. I don’t smother him on the couch when we sit together. I listen to his problems and let him drive my car. I understand that he is stressed out with a few things (I know what they are but they don’t need to be written down) and his words can be a bit harsh. He never meant them to hurt me, but they still did. He would always apologize later. I clean and cook. I get on with his family really well. I’m really quite happy when I’m around him because I genuinely love being around him. I’m understanding when he is too tired to see me. I’m always down for getting out and about when he wants. What I’m getting at is I think I’m a pretty decent partner. So why is it when I want to be close to him for a few minutes when laying in bed, I get told – “why don’t you move over there.” Granted he has been in a pissy mood because of something else he is dealing with and he has never said that to me before, It makes me want to scream. Ok, so you know the whole arguing with thyself thing that started this flood of words – it relates to this…

I needed to get out that first bit to get to this bit. When he asked me to leave because he wouldn’t get any sleep with the cat hissing at the dogs then was passed out before I left. I didn’t say anything to him. I simply responded, “Ok, I’ll leave in a minute.” I got quiet, looked at my dogs, then got dressed and left. I didn’t hear from him at all the next day. I didn’t text him or call, I knew he was working. I was a little sad but hey people get busy. I get over things pretty quickly, but when I didn’t hear from him at all the next day after being told I needed to go… It was kind of a let down. This happened on a Monday and I’m leaving for my trip on Thursday and won’t be back till the following Tuesday. I didn’t hear from him until Wednesday late afternoon, only after I called to see if he wanted to see me before being gone. He has been working extra hard so I knew there was a big possibility he would be too tired to get dinner and spend time together before I left. Just when the possibility becomes the reality, it’s a bit sad. Him being like that isn’t what makes me sad, it’s that I know what it is like to be greatly wanted by someone who can’t have you. He does have me, so it’s like he doesn’t try. But someone else wants me more. (And I know you are reading this, and no it’s not you Baggage. It’s the mistake I told you about that Red can’t know about. Not everything is about you lol).

I’m not asking for much, but just a simple phone call to tell me goodnight, or a text. I would prefer a phone call, they are a bit more personal. I’m not wanting constant attention, but just something more than days of nothing. So I was arguing with myself on how to talk to him about it. I don’t think it is out of line or completely unreasonable what I’m missing in our relationship. So in my head here is how it played out – Brain is him and Me is, well me:

Me: Hey darlin, can I talk to you about something.

Brain: Sure baby, whats up.

Me: You know how you can go days with out ever saying anything to me, could you at least tell me goodnight.

Brain: You know I can’t always get to my phone and when I work really hard I tend to come home and pass out.

Me: Yeah, I understand, but it would just be nice to know you thought of me at some point.

Brain: You’re right baby. I do think about you, I just get so worn out and I mean to call you, but I close my eyes and next thing I know it’s morning. I’ll call baby.

——————————-

That is the best scenario I think. But then my brain did this shit.

——————————-

Me: You know how you can go days with out ever saying anything to me, could you at least tell me goodnight.

Brain: I swear babe, I’m not trying to be mean but you can be clingy. I really can’t deal with that right now.

Me: You told me to move over, and I did. You tell me to leave and I do, with no argument might I add. I never text or call you when you’re at work. I don’t demand your attention when you’re watching your shows. I’m not a fucking puppy that you are having to deal with – I’m your girlfriend and a fucking amazing one at that. I support you in everything. I’ve listened to you talk about your ex because you have so much anger towards her and have never been able to let it out. And every single memory you tell me is awful and feels like a fucking punch in the face. But I take it and never say anything bad about her and never judge you for letting things go on that way for as long as they did. I don’t bring up my past because the one time I did you judged me so fast and made me feel extremely small. All I ask for is a phone call or text, it’s not like I’m asking for a compliment, which I never get, just a split fucking second of your time to feel wanted.

Brain: I can’t deal with this, you need to leave.

——————–

See my brain is a fucking dick too. I know i’m fretting on absolutely nothing and I probably won’t have that conversation with him. If he didn’t want me, then we wouldn’t be together. I know that is how simple-guy-brain works, but I have a crazy-girl-brain and sometimes she just needs a little reassurance. I really am complaining about nothing and when I’m with him, all that shit just doesn’t even matter. It’s just I know the true root of the problem is that Mistake makes me feel wanted, every day. And he isn’t the one I want to be making me feel that way. I get attention from everyone but the one man I want to get attention from. That’s exactly it.

I almost want to see how long it would take him to contact me. Let’s do an experiment. I’m driving a long distance this evening and I don’t see that great at night. He knows this and he know I’m driving a long way alone at night. We talked last night when I called before he went to bed. Haven’t heard from him at all today and it’s about 3pm now. Let’s see how long it takes for him to contact me. It’s a bit caddy and beneath me, but I am a mental case so I’ll allow it this one time. Once we have the findings, don’t worry a massive emotional overload will not happen. I’m just curious to see how long he will go without saying anything to me. It’s Thursday – day 1.

Did you not know I’m a scientist too?

Mental Case

What the Florida?

Ever have someone make you feel bad for having a horrible allergic reaction that makes your skin look very Freddy Kruegeresque then discover it was their fault you look like that? And a few days later they ask you to leave after inviting you over. Totally happened to me.

My pride has taken a bit of a blow in the past few weeks. I was a contender. My confidence was up, my lust for life was blossoming, and I had a major wardrobe upgrade. All that came horrifically crashing down in the matter of 2 days. I started having really bad skin reactions and I thought it was allergies to something around me. I changed out all my soaps, switched to super gentle detergents, meticulously cleaned my house. Washed everything. Started wiping the dogs off when they came in from outside so they weren’t bringing in plant bits. When that didn’t work, I started cutting out foods. Even though it wasn’t a food allergy, I did find certain foods or ingredients I cut out really made me feel so much better so that’s a positive. We’ll get to what it really was in a sec. After the foods, I was starting to think it was Red’s cat. I had never been allergic to cats before, so I really didn’t think that was it. He didn’t use any of the big brand detergents that make me break out. I was just going through everything I could think of that could be causing the reaction. At this point my skin looked terrible, covered in rashes and sores. I felt ugly and unwanted. Not a good feeling.

I remember standing in Red’s kitchen and he was on my left. I have had to wear long sleeves around him because he said my skin looked disgusting. He asked me, “aren’t you hot in that jacket.” I responded, “yes, but you think I look disgusting so I try to cover up.” He said, “yea, it does look really bad.” I started crying. Not like a burst out in sobs cry, but my eyes welled up and tears just started rolling down my face. No one wants to hear that. If you have been reading these past few entries, you can kind of tell Red isn’t the most sensitive of men. I grabbed a paper towel to blot the tears away and try not to smudge my mascara all over my face. He asked why I was crying and I gently whispered, “I look so bad, you don’t even want to touch me. I can’t even remember the last time you gave me a hug.” Then turned away and headed downstairs. I couldn’t hold back the tears and I didn’t want him or his family to see me crying.

While I was looking in the mirror and just removing all my eye makeup because it was a lost cause to try and salvage it at this point. Something someone told me popped in my head about bed bugs and how my skin looks similar to a reaction to bed bugs. I turned and looked at the bed and thought it wouldn’t hurt to check. And that is exactly what I found. I look like I could be Freddy Krueger’s daughter because Red had bed bugs. We got it taken care of and got a new mattress and did all the stuff, but seriously. What the Florida? I have never encountered bed bugs so that is why I didn’t think of that as a possibility. I didn’t have them at my house thank goodness, but I treated everything just in case. I kept my cool and of course didn’t get mad at him or anything. Getting angry isn’t really my nature and I think one day he will come to greatly appreciate that about me. I was actually happy it wasn’t the cat and that I finally figured out what was causing the problem.

Red isn’t the most sensitive man, which I accept and kind of like (always been a bit drawn to the assholes),  but when it is just us, I feel he could have been a bit nicer in how he said things to me about my skin. He really wouldn’t touch me and it was awful. I did talk to him about it, but I don’t think it really registered with him. But let him drink a bottle of whisky and he shares his inner demons and feelings and i’m right there to hold/comfort him and let him know he is the most amazing man ever. I accept him for who he is and I don’t make him feel bad for anything, I just wish he wasn’t such a guy sometimes when he says stupid shit that really does hurt my feelings. I know he doesn’t do it intentionally, so I’m not angry with him, just hurt.

My skin has gone almost back to normal. I do have a good amount of scarring in the form of little dots all over my right arm, but just gives me more of an excuse for tattoos. There is always a silver lining.

A day after the whole bed bug thing, he did feel really bad. He wanted to do something special for me and little side fact –  I love going on car rides – yes just like dog lol. I love to look out the window and feel the wind through my fingers and just take in all the things while jamming out to great music and not giving a care in the world. I can’t do that when I drive – my car is a 6-speed beast – so I let Red drive for the first time. I don’t really let anyone drive my car, it’s not easy to drive and she is like my baby. He only stalled out a few times which isn’t bad. My gears are really tight and it’s a super short shifter and it takes some getting used to if your not in a race car all the time. Once he got it down, we were good. He took me for a drive through the mountains and it was amazing. I saw all kinds of water falls and beautiful vistas of the mountains. We stopped off at a few places and got a lot of great pictures. He took me to this little shack of place to eat and it was delicious. I was happier than a tween at a puppy party. For dinner, he smoked salmon and his mom and I made all kinds of fixins’. Just a really nice day and an amazing night – if you know what I mean ;). But with the good, comes the bad.

Next time I came, he asked me to bring the dogs. He really only likes one of my dogs, but they both love him. His cat isn’t too fond of the dogs, but only one is interested in getting closer to him. My other dog, I call her my old lady, really couldn’t care less about the cat. She doesn’t bark at it or chase it, really doesn’t care. Now the other dog, totally different. He doesn’t bark at the cat, he really just wants to play with it. He is a small dog and about the same size as the cat. He just gets too excited when he sees cat and wants to play. Cat does not like that. I have been researching healthy ways to introduce a dog to a cat and hold him to let the cat come closer. The cat come up to him and my dog even licked his face but when he started smelling, cat started hissing and went back to his perch to stare down at the peasants. At that point Red said I just needed to probably go because he wouldn’t get any sleep with the cat hissing at the dog all night.

I did ask multiple times before I brought them if he was sure because just the tapping of their nails on the wood floor annoys him in the morning.

-Really any noise kind of eerks him in the morning. Note: Red is not a morning person – that was a super fun fact to learn about him.

He said to bring them. So I did. Then he tells me I need to go after about an hour. Seriously, Sir? What the Florida? And since getting angry really isn’t in my nature, I just got really quiet. Looked over at the bra and dress I would have to put back on and just sighed. Told him, “ok, I’ll leave in just a second.” The dogs were snuggled up beside me on the couch and I just looked down at them and felt bad. Red just went to lay in the bed and didn’t say anything and went to sleep. I changed out of my pjs and back in the chest torture device and my dress and left. I know he wasn’t being mean, but it just hurts being told you need to leave. Anywhere. That hurt a bit more than being unbridesmaided but not as much as being told I needed to leave because the girl at the bar was hotter. Yeah, I have had some pretty awful first dates. And let me say she was not hotter, she was just wearing less clothing and was pushing that Down to F*uck hard AF. Dating sucks dicks.

I’m probably to understanding of a person, but I don’t see it as a bad quality. I’m very logical and aware of reasoning for things. I understood he needed a good night of sleep for work the next day. It just hurts.

Going through all the withdrawals does make me a bit extra sensitive and I’m hoping that will get better. I’m finishing up week 2 of not having anything and the night terrors aren’t as bad and the panic attacks are getting better. I’m trying new hobbies and getting back into old ones that I used to do. I have to keep my hands busy or I start thinking too much and then I want something to help dull down the amount of thoughts. I’ve also started working out to deal with the stress of being me and it has really helped. That lust for life is coming back and Red and I are planning really fun weekend activities like hiking, fishing, camping, and kayaking. I love just being outdoors. So it’s just little things about Red, like how he says things sometimes, that i’m learning to not let get under my skin. I’m a sensitive baby sometimes and even though I know he didn’t mean it in a bad way, it can just be a bit harsh. I have talked to him about it but he doesn’t realize that he is doing it. I think the more we learn about each other the better it will be. We had some really deep chats where he did let his more sensitive side show and I know what he has been through and I’m completely different from any girl he has ever dated. We both have huge walls and as they slowly start to come down we learn more about each other. I love him and I just melt when he tells me, “I love you more than you will ever know Mon Cher.”  In the end I know it will always be ok.

In every great adventure there will be a few rough obstacles, but that’s what makes it great ;). On to experience what happens next….

There is always a silver lining,

Mental Case.

 

 

 

Ceiling Fan Thoughts & Movie References

Ever have thoughts racing through your mind round and round like a ceiling fan on high speed and you finally catch one to process then it’s gone again back in the spinning? Totally happening to me.

All the pot I was smoking was keeping my mind from processing all the thoughts and crazy I had let build up for the past eleven years – saying it’s a lot is a seriously epic understatement. Now that I haven’t had any in a week my energy has increased but a flood of thoughts are trying to squeeze through processing and it is exhausting. To add to the fun, I’m having vivid dreams of past things I have done that I had tried to destroy the memory, but didn’t. I know there are certain memories my mind has actually blocked from me remembering and I’m scared to death those will come back. I know something really bad has happened to me between certain time frames and I can’t recall anything. I’ve woke up every single night this week at 3 AM. Last night I woke up crying and shaking and couldn’t tell if I was still dreaming or awake. I was staying with Red and reaching out and feeling him there let me know I was awake. It was also nice knowing I wasn’t alone.

It’s just a bit scary the things I have locked away for so long. I know it will get better and I won’t be haunted by these memories forever. It’s just hard reliving things from my past as terrifying nightmares. Ok, this is getting deep and I have few other things to cover.

Let’s go another direction. I saw Red’s Ex that has been haunting him. Technically, I found her on facebook, as one does, and I know it might be a bit vain and caddy but I feel I might be a bit of an upgrade. She did a number on him and I’m left hearing about it and really putting in the work to show him he deserves so much better and I’m her. I really shouldn’t say that because I’ve been taught that I am not better than anyone else, but I mean come the fuck on, let’s get real.

Red said a few things that made me feel a little self-conscious and that’s what brought about this investigator session.

  • Quick story, she saw me and Red on our first date. We had dinner at this cool little pizza place then walked to a bar he liked. Low and behold she was there. I don’t really remember her face, I just remember he was drinking his beer and looked behind me and put it down and said, “we need to go.” I was surprised because he didn’t finish his beer and he wanted to go so quickly. I thought he wasn’t that into me or something and later he said his ex was there and she is crazy and he didn’t want her to fight me or come at him. Extra tid bit: Our first kiss was outside that bar too.

What he said that stuck with me was that she was the only girl that ever made him do that wolf howl and eyes bug out like the cartoon. We were watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit when that scene came on and that is what he chose would be an ok thing to say to me. I used to be morbidly obese so my confidence isn’t really that high even though I’ve lost all the extra weight. When a guy you are head over heels for says something like that it’s almost like punch in the stomach, even though I honestly believe he didn’t say it to be mean, but how can you be that oblivious? Don’t get me wrong, I do fancy myself as a lovely woman, and I hear people tell me how great I look now and how pretty I am, but from past experience I can’t tell if they are being sincere or just polite. When I was really big, I would get that – you’re really pretty for a bigger girl – line. I just realized why what he said really bothered me – Red has never really complimented me and said I look nice or pretty. It’s not like I go to see him looking like a dirty hobo. I put effort into how I look when I go out of the house. Those souther belle habits won’t die lol. I have tried all kinds of different makeup looks. Nothing crazy of course, but when you put in a little effort, the one person a girl wants to hear those compliments from his her boyfriend. And i’m not saying I need constant reassurance that I look nice, but just a – hey baby, you look beautiful – every now and then would be nice to hear. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, but again I am a mental case so my view could be a bit skewed. Aww, that makes me kind of sad to realize he has never complimented me, on anything. I’m baking him my signature sweets and if I don’t get something out of that I really hope I don’t start to cry. I’m kind of starting to tear up now realizing all this. He even didn’t try to comfort me when I was crying because I had a horrible eczema flare up and my skin looked so bad. It was on my face, arms, hands, feet, back, it was bad. I felt completely awful. This has gone to a sad place very fast.

Point that I was getting at is that I feel like I’m a better person than the ex and I definitely believe I’m an like the VIP Platinum upgrade. She isn’t totally unfortunate looking, but she resembles a leathered skin biker broad with crap tattoos and meth teeth. Like a total Monet, from far away not too bad, but up close just a horrible violent alcoholic mess. (Paraphrasing quotes – oh Mental Case you’re so clever snaps for you) But thinking about the compliment thing I am completely bummed out from that realization – let me share something from the other day to brighten things up. (Told you – Ceiling Fan Thoughts).

Next Direction….

I have a few friends I made through work and they are really amazing and I was just so blown away at how kind they are to me. One is a guy and he is sweet and reminds me a lot of my brother. Dorktastic and loving it. We go to cosplay conventions and comicbook stores and have game nights and nerd out on some Netflix. He told me the other day he had a dream about me cooking in his Uncle’s kitchen. My response was epic and I have to give myself a tiny pat on the back for this one. So here’s what was said:

Friend: I know this sounds weird, but I had a dream about you cooking in my uncle’s kitchen.

Me: Why are you and your uncle cooking me in his kitchen?

Friend: *starts crying from laughing so hard.

Me: I know I’m a (favorite quote from Jurassic Park) – Clever Girl

We will leave it on that weird, but funny note. Be back to unleash more crazy tomorrow.

Kinda bummed but It’s fine,

Mental Case

 

Let Me Explain

Ever realize you’re a bit more crazy than the average bear and if anyone really knew you would be judged so hard into a black hole of shame you just bury it deep and hope for the best? Totally happening to me. Let me explain…

I don’t exactly have to start at the beginning but I do need to start one year ago on May 10th 2016. I had weight loss surgery this day so it was a new beginning. A new start from all the bad decisions I made and I was determined to be a better me. I quite my job that was sucking the life out of me because I was sleeping with the CEO and having to work on his wife’s team (of course she had to work there too)  and she already hated me, but didn’t really know why. She never found out, she just knew she didn’t like me and that meant make my life hell. Can’t get mad at that, right? I deserved it. Anyway, not the best decision but I did get a few things out of the affair and did leave that job to relax and heal and work on changing almost everything about me for the better. I was able to stop drinking for awhile, but I continued smoking pot because I really didn’t want to deal with the demons yet. I thought I could, but when they started to surface from the deep abyss I buried them in, I was not mentally strong enough to handle it. So back in the metaphorical black abyss they went. It took a lot of bowls of high grade stuff to get them back in. Then, I just became a recluse and stayed at home until I decided to move to a different state and start a new life because I was totally stable enough to do that (oh the sarcastic thoughts).

So let’s recap what I have been doing since I moved and then you will pretty much caught up to present day.

I was offered a job in a different state and moved away from my family, friends, and everything that was familiar. By the time I moved, I had lost about 70lbs. I was feeling good about myself and started receiving attention from men that I had never experienced before. It was strange. Really, everyone I met was so pleasant and quite nice to me. It was weird. It still kind of is sometimes, but nothing too bad. I continued losing weight and decided it was time to finally start meeting people and date and be normal instead of caught up in some soul-sucking affair. Dating was awful. Completely terrible. I learned the signs he is just into sex and that UBER is really emergency date rescue. I did pick up some great conversational skills, so not all bad. Those are skills that come very handy in life. I finally found someone I don’t need in the least, but want to be with him and I have fallen head over heels for him. Before him I dated two guys. One with 2 kids who I really enjoyed being around and the other a much older guy with a mountain sized pile of baggage.

We’re just going to call him, 2 Kids. We dated for a little over 2 months and things were pretty good, but he actually liked larger girls and said I was too skinny for him. Talk about an epic back handed complement. He broke up with me in a text on Christmas Eve saying he was getting back with the baby mama and I needed to come get my things at his house. I was drunk for about 3 days straight after that. I don’t remember Christmas at all. I know I was sober for the family functions but once I got to leave I was pouring the wine. My mom allowed it and just supervised and made sure I ate. Once I got through that break up, I was single for a bit until I met this older guy. He was only 18 years older than me, which isn’t that bad if you consider I have dated a bit older.

We’re going to call him Baggage. Baggage was still married, but separated. The ex-wife was still living in the same house and they were still sleeping in the same bed and having sex up until a few day before our first date. I told you – mountain sized pile of baggage. There were kids too, but they didn’t know their parents were splitting up and their mom had been seeing another man for the past 5 months while still sleeping with Baggage. I stupidly put up with it for a little bit because, well, the sex was amazing. I know that isn’t the best excuse, but when you find someone that can ring your bell like he did, you kind of block out everything else. He ended up breaking up with me in a text too and regretted it about 2 weeks later and wanted me back. He didn’t think I would move on so fast, and I certainly didn’t think I would meet anyone so soon. But When you’re a hopeless romantic, you kind of move on fast and don’t even realize what is going on. I had a date lined up when Baggage asked me back and he wasn’t happy but encouraged me to go. We were trying to keep some friendship because he really didn’t want me completely out of his life. He was really easy to talk to and never judged me. We still talk every now and then.

The guy I had a date with, we’ll call him Red, turned out to be really amazing. My dream guy was real and I had found him. We’ve been together about two months now and he almost broke up with me last week. He said he wasn’t really looking for a relationship and didn’t expect me to come into his life. When he said that on the phone my heart just sank and an I just felt nauseous. He told me to come over so we can talk and I was a bit of a nervous wreck on the way over. I was preparing myself for the – it’s not you, it’s me and you will find someone so great some day – kind of discussion. I kind of been dumped more than I’d like to admit so I knew if he was going to use a cliche breakup line, it would have been that exact one. When I walked in the door he was sitting on the couch and stood up and said, “I’m a fucking idiot and just ignore everything I said.” That had never happened to me before and I was a little in shock. He said he loved me and we had a really nice night together. I really do love him and try not to think about the future and what might could happen, because well that could drive someone crazy. I try to stick to the present and just enjoy our relationship now and he makes me want to be a better person, so I’m working on bettering myself for the possibility of a future with him. But if you have been reading this so far, you know I’m going to royally fuck up and you would be 100% correct.

I actually fucked up twice but he only knows of the one. One way I fucked up that he was present for, I hadn’t really been drinking in a while because it’s very difficult to lose weight when drinking an unhealthy amount and I can’t just have one or two. I pretty much drink until the alcohol is gone except on a few occasions. I have a problem, I know, but I’m working on it. Things had been a bit stressful at work and with family so I decided that it was the perfect time to drink. Beverage of choice was a delicious Pinot Grigio. The worst possible thing you could do when drinking and staying at someone else’s house is what class…….? Say stupid things? No. Get in a fight? No. Puke on your boyfriend while performing fellatio because he busted a huge load in your mouth? Nope. Those are things you could possible forget, or on that last one, he could even take a bit of pride in saying he was so big he couldn’t help but hit that gag reflex deep in your throat. Pissing yourself in your boyfriend’s bed while he is on the edge of breaking up with you is pretty much the worst thing you could do in this scenario, and is exactly what happened. To add to it, I fell asleep sitting up holding a full bottle of opened water and it spilled down my shirt and all in my lap (could have been the reason I peed, but I don’t know, I’d like to think so). I seriously cried. I thought he was going to kick me out and never speak to me again. He was surprisingly cool and made a few comments that felt like a slap in the face, but they were deserving. I hadn’t done that since college (days of learning the limits). I didn’t even drink that much, about a bottle and a half of wine, well for me that wasn’t much at all. I quite drinking that day. That shame is still with me, but with everyday it dissipates a little bit more. Remember I said I fucked up twice. When the second one is really bad.

I’ll explain more into that one a bit later. Probably one of the worst things I’ve ever done and I’ve done some horrible stuff. Not ready to share that one yet.

I’ve stop drinking and smoking and I can feel the demons clawing their way up slowly to the Deal With It arena where the battles will commence . Going further with this diary will be me dealing with my demons and everyday life with a seriously crazy brain that I refuse to take medication to dull it down. Doctors give me anxiety and I bet we will touch on that soon.

Feeling slightly less stressed,

Mental Case.