Wanting A Friend But People Suck So My Wants Are Pointless. Awesome.

Ever just had it? Yeah, that’s where I’m at right now.

Awesome place to be, le’me tell you. I’m just a bit numb to it all at this point. I think that is my mind’s way of coping. Just so much stress was coming down on me at once. The majority of it was self-induced, I admit, but it’s just hard processing all of it at once. Now, I’ve had some time alone to argue with myself and realize a few things. I’m drained. Completely exhausted.

My car stuff is external stress. I had to deal with the bank on that yesterday. I’m trying to pay someone and the bank is preventing me from doing so. They said the fraud department called to verify a check but I was unable to answer when they called. The bank lady on the phone started getting rude because I didn’t answer the call. One – I have an irrational fear of talking on the phone with people I don’t know. Two – They didn’t leave a voicemail. How was I supposed to know they called if I have no message explaining they did so. You seriously think I’m going to call the number back and say “I received a call from this number and I’m trying to figure out what’s up”. Get the fuck out. If you are going to call someone, don’t half ass and hang up after a few rings. Put in maximum effort and leave a message. In it to win it people. But what really gets me is that I verified the check when I wrote it so I wouldn’t have to deal with this. They said it was because the name was written funny. I didn’t have a hard surface to write on when I was writing in the name. But the verification was already done and they read me the note made on the account verifying the check the day before it was deposited. End of the story, I had to re-verify the check when it was already verified. Just..ugh.

So that was fun and I completely believe I am cursed.

Things are getting better and I’m just having a tough go at it right now. The loneliness is what really gets me. It always does when getting over a break-up. I’m used to talking with someone every day and then nothing. What’s worse is when they were the only person you talked to, so the phone never rings. This is a little pathetic, I still take my lunch during the time he would call me everyday, just in case he calls. I know he won’t, but…it’s what I do. I’m almost done building the bridge to get over him. I think this week is going to continue to be crap and next week things are going to start turning around.

I’m totally ready to get back to my normal crazy instead of the emo-crying-sappy-girl version of my crazy. The crying at night isn’t helping the bags under my eyes at all. I’m telling you, realizing how alone I am really hits me at night. I even have two dogs that basically sleep on top of me and I still feel alone. What is this need to be with someone? Oh yeah, I’m almost 30 and I’m freaking the fuck out!

I have started the passport process and sticking to an exercise plan. Totally got that Adulting award in the bag already.
And I haven’t checked my phone to see if he called or texted. If I could split into two, mitosis style, I would give myself a huge hug. I’m going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok. I just need to go to Goodwill and buy up a bunch of glass and ceramic dishes then smash them all to get out my anger I’ve been holding in against him and the world. Wait, I have no where to smash dishes. I feel if I did it at my house the neighbors would call the police and THAT’S JUST NOT COOL, BRUH!

See this is why I need friends! A friend would have a place I could smash dishes. Tonight is going to suck so I will counter with a bubble bath while watching “Two Can Play That Game” and get a bit stoned. Tomorrow is required to be better. You hear me Tomorrow, you will be better!

Wanting a friend but people suck so my wants are pointless,

Mental Case

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Prescription for Heartache: Chicken Nuggets, Cocktails & Chick Flicks

Ever have everything fall apart and crumble in front of you and you can’t do anything but hope it stops at a point where you might possibly be able to salvage something to rebuild? Totally happened to me.

I know I haven’t posted in a bit and there is good reason. The main being I wasn’t ready to deal with everything and I felt like shit. I still feel like shit but I can’t just stare at the ruble and ruin my life has become anymore. Time has come to rebuild. Let’s begin…

Red and I worked things out, stupid I know, but can’t change it now. He still couldn’t bother to show me any affection and gave me excuses why. My favorite was – “I’m just stressed out and dealing with a lot.” I started putting a melody to it and would sing it to him when he asked anything of me. It’s quite catchy and I find myself humming it randomly throughout the day. In my crazy girl brain I thought – well I’ll just support him through this and continue to be kind and things will get better. Of course it didn’t get better. That was a hopeless dream I held onto for way to long. It got way worse.

So, as I’m experiencing my relationship fall apart, my dad is hospitalized. My parents live in SC and I’m in TN. When my mom called and told me while I was at work. I started crying. My dad is my superman and we both have been through a lot together and he has always been my biggest supporter. I was ready to go and be by his side and help my mom, but I found out I wouldn’t be paid for the 2 days I was gone. I was just broken. I didn’t know what to do because I couldn’t afford to lose 2 days pay. My mom said he was going to be ok and it wasn’t anything super serious. I just felt like shit because I wasn’t there. It’s hard being far away from my family when things happen.

When a girl is feeling down and powerless to the ways of the world, where does she go? To her boyfriend who will hold her and let her cry it out and tell her everything is going to be ok. But did I get that? Nope. Not even close. I ask to come over because everything that happened and just wanted some company. I show up and went to hug him and he pushed me away – he said he was gross from work and got in the shower. I sat outside to have a beer and a cig and he never checked on me. He popped his head out to tell me to come fix my plate. I went upstairs and his mom wrapped her arms around me and told me it was going to be ok. That helped. When we were going to bed, I asked – I had to fucking ask – for him to hold me for a few. He rolled over and said he was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. As the tears started welling up in my eyes, I got up and grabbed my things and left. I really needed him at that moment and he couldn’t even bother. It gets better – well more tragic but at this point… what else can you say.

Then, a week after all my dad stuff, my car breaks down and needs a completely new motor. Awesome. My parents are kind enough to pay to fix it and it’s going to take a while for me to pay them back. And it doesn’t stop there.

An old friend had multiple strokes for reasons I’m still not sure of. She is 32 and has 2 kids. I went to visit her because the doctors thought it might help spark her recovery to be surrounded by familiar faces. It was really hard walking into that hospital room and seeing her on a feeding tube, hooked up to so many things and surrounded by pictures of her life. She couldn’t speak or move her right side. She grabbed my heavily tattooed arm with her left hand and when I looked in her eyes I swear I knew she was saying to me – Girl! what did you do to your arm, it’s pretty though. She used to love when I played with her hair, so after she ran her hand over my arm she put it right on her head like saying – please play with my hair. She had been in that hospital bed for over 2 months and it looked like no one has been taking care of her hair. Her dad told me they had to cut a huge mat out the back and her step mom has been helping to take care of it. Her step mom said she washed it the day before and it was just put in ball on the top of her head. Ugh. It was still wet and full of tangles. I combed it out and let it dry then braided it so it wouldn’t get messed up. Another old friend came up and we both stayed in the hospital a few days with her and did all the fun things we used to. Watched EuroTrip and a bunch of other stupid movies that made us laugh till we cried, Mani/pedis and face masked, and just talked about what has been going on since we last seen each other. It’s hard thinking I might never hear her voice again. They aren’t sure yet if she will recover enough to go to the rehab facility or if an assisted living arrangement will need to be made. I’m only a few hours away, so I’m going to go up on Saturdays to spend time with her.

Life just really sucks sometimes and the weight of everything piling on at once is a bit much. And of course, Red breaks up with me to add that extra something special to it all. He said he wasn’t willing to meet boyfriend expectations and doesn’t want to keep hurting me but he would very much like to remain friends. Oh it hurt. I knew it was coming, he was an awful boyfriend, I should have ended it sooner. I’ve learned my lesson. You know what really killed me after he broke up with me though, I have no friends here to tell me he didn’t deserve me and take me out for a drink or bring me some chicken nuggets and watch “Two Can Play that Game” with me. Or keep me from doing something crazy to my hair. It’s a very lonely feeling. Very lonely.

I do have my mom. He broke up with me while I was still at work, so I called her to help me calm down and she told me all the things to cheer me up. She qued up a list of movies for me. Told me not to touch my hair in any way and sent me an edible arrangement of fruits covered in chocolate. I can’t put into words how much I appreciate her going above and beyond to be there for me the best she can.

When it all happens at once, it’s hard for me to deal with all on my own. I know I’ll get stronger. Life just broke me and there are a lot of pieces to put back together. I’m just going to let the Motown mix play and eat chicken nuggets and have a good cry or two. Then, I’ll adult and seek guidance with my therapist.

Really wanting chicken nuggets and for nothing else to fuck up right now,

Mental Case

Are You Actually Being Serious

Ever get to turn down a rich powerful CEO who thought he could still get something from you? Oh Yes! It finally happened to me!

Oh honey, it’s like the best feeling in the whole wide world. It might just feel really good right now because I heard these 2 ladies I work with talking about me earlier and they were not saying very nice things. A lot was about my weight. One that really kind of hurt was, “she wasted all that money on weight loss surgery to still be fat.”

Like really? Excuse me ma’am, who the fuck do you think you are?

I didn’t say anything. I’m an angel just flying over the bullshit. When I turned around and walked away, I heard a gasp. I was just stopping by to explain an invoice one of ladies left in my office asking for me to find where it came from. Didn’t know it was a Hate on Mental party.

(I know you are wondering what happened with Red, and I will get there – promise. )

That got me a bit down, but then something magical happened. My old boss called me from my last job (you know the one I was sleeping with and had the wife that was my supervisor – in the first post if you missed it). I don’t know why I answered, but something compelled me to do so. He is in town for business and wanted to meet up for drinks and, in his own words, “your specialties hehe.” Like really? I had to find another job in different state because of you and you’re going to call me up and ask for my specialties, like right off dick. Are you actually being serious? I got to do a Oh-No-You-Didn’t-Hair-Flip and tell him to fuck off. Does feel pretty good. But with the ups do come the downs.

Ok, I need get out the Red mess. I know I need to, I just don’t want to. See what had happened was…..

After I left that morning. He didn’t even know I read those messages. He sent me a text later saying that trees were down everywhere at his work and power was out in a few cabins. In my crazy, but brilliant, girl way I responded, “It was a crazy storm my mountain flower.” Five minutes later my phones starts ringing. I didn’t answer and hit the ignore button every time. He sent a text asking to talk. I was at work and didn’t want to deal with that mess yet, so I told him I would call him when I got off work. When I called him, he said he made a mistake when he was drunk and he never should have sent those messages and he doesn’t know what he was thinking. I responded, ” I had to ask you to tell me I looked nice and you go and give up compliments and beautiful words to girls who couldn’t care less about you.” He then went on this explanation of how awful his past relationships are and he was always used to being yelled at. I stopped him and said, “just because the people you chose to be with in your past were shit, doesn’t mean I’m going to be the same way. I’m an amazing person. I support you. I appreciate you. I respect you. I make you laugh. I held you when you cried. I do things without you asking. I listened when you needed to vent. I listened to you talk about your exes and took it like a fucking champ. I don’t need you in the least but choose to be with you. I love you. And in return you take me for granted and think I’m a fucking idiot and give/seek attention from other girls. Do I not deserve it?” I didn’t hear from him any more that night.

—————————————-

He showed up at my house and when I opened the door he dropped to his knees and gave the most heart felt apology that made me feel like he really did love me and was terrified to lose me. We just held each other for awhile and didn’t say a word. It felt like being home wrapped in his arms…..

Then, I woke up and realized it was a dream and immediately when to the freezer to seek comfort from the only men who have always been there for me – Ben & Jerry. Oh, they know my heart. I’m still a bit lost when it comes to Red. It’s hard to explain. When your brain and heart never agree, life can be a bit complicated. I don’t know the future, so what comes next is a complete mystery. I just hope it feels better than this.

Masking my sadness like a ninja,

Mental Case

 

My Mountain Flower

Ever realize you’re too smart for your own good? Totally happened to me.

Alright, so I had a slight crazy girl moment……

Warranted something was a bit off, and he greatly underestimates me……….his phone went off and I saw the text. I’m a smart lady, I knew how to unlock his phone.  I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t see what the text said. Reading the conversation and being the romantic that I am, I understand.

It’s not what he said that angered me so, but when he said it. To add to the fun, there was more than one. Six in total. I know I slipped up right at the beginning but I got it together when I believed he deserved one hundred percent – which was really quick, stupid slip up – yes, but it happened. When I saw the first text, then read through them… you know the rabbit hole just sucks you in…I broke a bit. What kept me from breaking too much was the pictures of these ladies. What was that saying from that one comic…..you don’t fuck down, you fuck up. I do have the confidence in myself and what these ladies and their pictures (multiple might I add of all of them-it was seriously a bit extra) revealed of themselves, he went down. I know I’m a bit mental and I made my mistakes, but when it’s worth it, I’m all in. I was all in.

I grabbed my things and left. He was passed out. Had been for awhile. I didn’t say anything; I just left. I’m not going to contact him yet. I’m not ready. I left it on the screen of the conversation. There is a strong possibility he might not get it. He won’t even realize I saw it all. I’m almost slightly offended how stupid he must think I am. I do think it through and question if I can really be upset? I was in a situation and that passion got ahold of me and things got out of control. I forgave myself and moved on. You have to. But this is multiple ladies, and they are getting all the attention that I used to get at the beginning – the very beginning. He said such sweet things to them. I admit I’m jealous. One of them-Stephanie, I have heard about because he likes to talk about his exes sometimes. She was the one before me who moved to Kentucky. He gave her money to help her move and gave her more money when her things got stolen, and I had an internal issue, but he was helping a friend and I didn’t want to think too much into it to save myself the stress. He wrote…

“I loved you. I wish I had the stones to tell you when you where in my arms. You are and will always be my mountain flower.”

Like, (grasping my chest) ouch-my pride. Such lovely emotion, but not towards me. His words were so beautiful to her. I was with him the night he sent her that, which was last night. It really sucks seeing you were with him when all these conversations were taking place. I can recall the exact place I was when he was talking to them. Many times right beside him. I’m just a bit broken. I know it’s caddy, but I think I’m able to keep a terrifyingly calm about this because I feel I am and look a decent bit better than these girls. It’s horrible to say. I should feel bad about it, but it’s all I got. I believe in this circumstance though, it is allowed.

You know what that extra little jab was – he sent her a text every morning and every night, and he called her, “my mountain flower,” in each one. Attention like that didn’t come to me.

I’m going to be still for awhile and meditate on this.

I swear I’m worth it, all of it, but maybe just not to him.

A bit broken,

Mental Case

How Mental Got Her Groove Back

Ever have an amazing epiphany that changes everything? Totally happening to me right now.

I don’t know why I’m trippin’ so much lately. Well, I know I have the mental thing going on, but it still shouldn’t be as bad. I have been thinking too much about my relationship and purpose in life and just whiny and….. Girl Get It Together! I needed to get over some shit and I finally built that bridge.

Took long enough – jeez.

I was listening to a song yesterday and one of the lyrics really stuck with me. It just made me realize I am the master of this sea of crazy in my head. I’m fucking Neptune in this bitch. Fuck with me. My perspective on life and relationships is changing and it’s so much better. I feel like so much weight has been lifted off of me.

When it comes to my relationship with Red, I have had a few crazy girl moments. Obviously. I changed the perspective of how I’m looking at things and I gained some much needed confidence back in myself. I think that’s what was missing. I had no confidence in myself and that stems from years of being overweight and putting myself down and letting others put me down. I know that’s not a problem that will automatically get fixed overnight, but….. (and this is going to sound so vain but dammit I needed it)….I saw myself in the mirror and damn – I look good. Like, I look really good. I’m gorgeous and I have so much going for me. I’m very well educated, I have a great sense of humor, I have a great job, I have a bad ass 6-speed muscle car, I get on well with everyone, I have the most amazing emerald green eyes, my hair is lux, I take good care of myself now, and I’m totally worth it. I have been putting in effort to get a compliment out of him and why? I can just compliment my damn self.

Girl you lovely and have eyes that can hypnotize!

Do you realize you haven’t had to open a door for yourself in any public space since you moved here?

You make men blush with just a smile. Honey, you got IT.

When you wear that black velvet mini dress tonight – Yaaaasssss! Queen! Slay!

Ok, I’m done.

——————————

I was completely twizted there for a bit. Thank goodness I woke up. I just need to stop trying so hard. I have him. I win. My mom would even tell me I could do better. Even though she adores Red, she knows I could really upgrade if I wanted. But how could he see me as a beautiful amazing creature if I don’t see myself that way – ya know?

(Oh I also started therapy, and he was amazed at my self-awareness of what my problems were and why they aren’t being fixed. I thought everyone was like that. Don’t we all know our problems and find ways to distract ourselves from them so we don’t have to fix them yet?)

I do completely agree and understand that I can not drink alcohol. I have a drinking problem. It’s not that I was drinking everyday, but when I did drink, I couldn’t stop until I was blackout drunk. Then, I would be depressed and sick and in a dark place for days. I really can’t drink. It’s not for me. I’m Bipolar – with the platinum edition upgrade pack. What was I thinking drinking all that alcohol knowing it was going to be a disaster every time? Oh yea – Crazy.  Now, smoking green on the other hand might still need to be done for a little bit longer. It would just throw me a bit too out of whack to stop 2 vices at once. One at time is the best way with this mental case.

I still have a long way to go. Working with a therapist and taking it day by day is really my formula for success. I see my therapist like bumper rails on the bowling lane. It helps to have someone there to guide you back to where you need to be to keep moving forward.

Changing my diet has also really improved my physical, but also my mental health. I have cut out all processed foods, dairy, gluten, and sugar. I haven’t been able to tolerate dairy, gluten, or sugar really well since the surgery so that wasn’t too bad to cut out. Especially sugar. I couldn’t do anything sweet, unless it was wine. I still have about 30 lbs left to lose to reach my personal goal. I will get there by my 30th birthday and I’m going to look amazing. I’m entering the next decade of my life in style. I already have the shoes, so you know it will happen lol.

I’m taking back control and I’m killing it! If I fall, I have the support and drive to dust myself off and keep on moving. I’m still a bit mental, but a fun mental instead of the depressed paranoid version. The adventure is finally getting exciting.

I’m Fucking Neptune,

Mental Case

Call Me Pete, Re-Pete

Ever listen to a song and you need to hear it over and over again because it distracts your brain from thinking to much, then watch the music video over and over, then download the whole album and…well you get it? Totally happening to me right now.

(and it’s Sign of the Times by Harry Styles, then I watched the video, then I downloaded the album and have just been letting it play all day on repeat. Yesterday it was Ask Me How I Know by Garth Brooks).

I’ve noticed I get in the repeat modes when I can’t slow my thoughts down enough to process them or I have obsessive thoughts that drive me crazy. I find songs that kind of calm down my mind enough for me to get through it. Lately the big issue is I don’t want to end up alone. Most people can function alone and don’t need anyone and are completely content with independence, and that’s not me. I remember a therapy session a while back when my therapist said I have dependency issues and I need to do more things alone and enjoy being with just myself. I think there is more to it than that and I don’t see it as a bad thing. Plus, it helps for me to have someone around because I am clumsy and trip and fall all the time. Just once it would be nice for someone to catch me (like that perfect moment in the romcom lol). Back to what I was saying….

I had a really bad break down about 4 years ago. I didn’t speak for 4 months and was in a hospital for about 6 months all together. In that time I was a bit trapped in my head and really couldn’t discern reality from dreaming. I knew things were real when someone was around me because I could sense their emotions. When what I was seeing wasn’t real, I couldn’t sense that emotion. It wasn’t just family either. It was with doctors and nurses and really anyone that came around me. I basically needed someone close to me so I knew what was real and that I wasn’t dreaming. I still need someone close to me or my mind starts releasing a flood of thoughts and I can’t control it. I have been successful in finding a few ways to help me control it but those options aren’t always available to me.

I am at my most calm lying with my head on Red’s chest and I can hear his heartbeat. It’s like a stop light going off in my head and everything freezes and the most comforting wave of calm washes over me. It’s my favorite way to fall asleep. But the nights that I stay at home alone are always hard. Playing songs on repeat, knitting, coloring, and cleaning do provide some relief but it never lasts long. I need a tv on to fall asleep because hearing people talk helps distract me. I can’t handle silence.  Now I’m not talking being up close right next to someone all squished up in their personal bubble. Just in the same space as someone. It just sucks being called clingy. Society pushes this notion that you have to learn to be happy on your own before you can be happy with anyone else, some independent mess, and all that jazz. I don’t fit that. Nothing about me is normal so why do people think I need to be forced into that mold. Can’t I just be the way I am and people are happy with it? When people just let me be I’m actually quite an enjoyable person to be around.

Red is pretty good with me even though he doesn’t know about my bipolarness or really anything about my past. I wonder if he will ever notice he never hears me talk about my past. One reason, he never asks, and the other is I don’t want him knowing a lot of it.  I know a lot of his past and when he was sharing the recent happenings of his ex getting arrested for hitting her new bf and was trying to hit up some of their mutual friends for bail money, I told him I really don’t want to hear about her anymore. I was completely pleasant and just nicely asked to not hear about her. I don’t talk about my crap exes, but I swear next time he brings her up I’ll play the Who Had The Worst Ex game with him and completely destroy him. I know he doesn’t tell me these stories to make me upset, he just wants someone to know how horrible it was, ya know. I get that. It did make him feel better knowing how great he has it now. He told me that. But a part of me was just slightly dying on the inside because I was thinking – does he have it better? Am I better? I really want to think so and I believe a bit more time I will definitely know for sure. He has told me I am the girl he never thought he would find and that is very comforting, but I have a crazy girl brain and even though he told me that I can’t just believe it like right off dick.

I know what really makes me a bit nervous and worry too much is that I haven’t had a real relationship (like where i’m not just the side action, but like a real one where he isn’t married) that lasted more than 2 months since ….. oh my…… wow since college. His name was Will. We were together for 1 year 4 months and 3 days. That one kind of traumatized me. He cheated on me with my best friend. I found out by walking in on them getting it on in our bed. People say finding out your man is cheating on you really sucks, but there is a deeper level of suckage my friends. Walking in on the love of your life giving it to your best friend really sucks. Oh and I didn’t hold back the crazy either when it happened. I grabbed a baseball bat and ran them out the house naked. They ran down to her place at the end of the road screaming I’m crazy and they were going to call the cops. The police were at my door about 20 minutes later. I had started packing his things at that point and was drinking wine out the bottle. I explained to them what had happened and they agreed it was a shitty thing to discover and were actually quite worried about leaving me alone. I didn’t really have anyone else to come and just sit with me and keep me from doing anything super dangerous, so those officers actually came by my house every few hours to check on me. One even came by after her shift and brought me a bottle of wine.

Now Red and I are headed towards 3 months. That’s a really big deal for me (even though in the full scope of life I know it’s nothing to really get that amped up about). I know I just need to calm down and chill out, but I just get a little excited that this one might actually stick around for awhile. I try and internalize the excitement because that is a lot to expect from someone that has only known me for a short time. He still might send me a random text at any time saying he doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore and leave, but I’m really trying to not think of that and just enjoy us. Thinking of him leaving is one of the worst thoughts I’m dealing with and I try over and over again to tell myself he hasn’t left yet so why worry.  But then that after shock thought pops up saying – but what if he does leave because you’re not good enough. I just need to keep my mind occupied so I don’t think about it. Maybe I’ll bake something. Yes, I think I will. A cheesecake possibly. Maybe with a cocoa crispy marshmallow treat crust. Yep, that is what I will make. Oh wait, fruity pebble marshmallow treat crust — ohhh yes.

I have noticed a difference since starting this diary in not being as impulsive and thinking my actions through before going forth with making really bad decisions. Even though I really don’t have anyone to talk to about everything, I do have this diary/blog thing. It helps to get it out in this medium and when the therapy starts I think things will only get better.

Repeating songs and missing bongs,

Mental Case

Sometimes You Have To Properly Adult

Ever stop for a moment to analyze yourself and come to the conclusion you’re just a mess and it’s time to clean up and properly adult? Totally happening to me right now.

I have been on a complaining kick lately and it’s entirely unnecessary. I kind of needed a slap in the face to snap out of it. I got that in the form of a horrible hangover. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was, and indulged a bit too much. I was doing so well but the little party gremlin that lives in my head just wanted a night out. I don’t know what I was thinking. Well, actually I do. I just didn’t want to deal with  everything I have had buried deep down for so long. I was ok there for a bit taking on the demons, but then they just started getting worse. I know I need help and will get it. It’s just hard not having a friend or someone to talk to about everything I’m dealing with. I’m going to start therapy, but I really want to talk to Red about it. I could probably talk to Red about it and I should, but I’m just afraid of what might happen if I open up. Letting people in and get close to me hasn’t worked out so great in the past. My heart has been broken every time. But I need to just let go of the fear and talk to him. I’m struggling and it would really be nice to have some support. I’m going to talk to him. I will do it……….it just might take me a bit.

After realizing I have been just in a negative place lately and complaining, I think it is time to properly adult and take responsibility. The situation I have found myself in is at no one else’s fault but my own. So that means only I can fix it and get to a happier place. The issue is I’m a bit allergic to hard work and taking care of myself is  extremely hard work. I was diagnosed with bipolar II and I have really bad anxiety issues and self medicating is not working – clearly. Now that was just one doctors diagnosis but I fit the description perfectly. I was on medication for a while but I was a vegetable. I was tired all the time and felt sick and my head was foggy. My medication was changed frequently and finding the right cocktail of meds just wasn’t happening. I went off the medication and sought other means to keep me level – epic fail. Realizing that I am failing and I’m headed for a major breakdown has me terrified. I don’t want to go through that (again) and I don’t want anyone around me to have to go through it either. I’m really scared to talk to anyone about it because there is this stigma attached to people with mental illness and I don’t want to be exiled. When I was overweight, medical term was “morbidly obese”, people seemed to be disgusted just to be in my presence.  Now that I lost the weight, and I really am a lovely girl, I don’t want to go through the same thing because I have a mental illness. I have been broken up with, unfriended, given up on, and let down after confiding in someone enough to tell them. People are shit. I know that is a big reason I haven’t told Red. I don’t want him to leave me. I honestly don’t think it’s time yet either. That may be an excuse and possibly completely wrong and I should tell him, but fuck it, I’m crazy and that’s just how I’m rollin’ at the moment.

So to help myself and get this crazy under some sense of control, I have plan. Research, stick to a schedule, therapy, and take it day by day. It sounds so simple but this will probably be the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. To help, I have a few long term goals. One is to look bangin’ for my 30th birthday in 8 months. Two, pay off my credit card by the end of the year. Three, save enough money to take my mom and cousin to Biltmore when it’s all decorated for Christmas. Totally achievable. My short term goals consist of getting on a set schedule, cutting out caffeine to better manage my anxiety, de-cluttering all the stuffs, eating better, working out, explore the city, and really just taking better care of myself. I just have to be careful and not overwhelm myself with expectations which could very quickly lead to an anxiety attack and breakdown.  Side note: being bipolar with horrible anxiety sucks major dicks! And if you are wondering what it’s like – it’s like trying to get a singing kids toy to turn off and it won’t turn off and just keeps singing that stupid song over and over again and you smash it and throw it and rip it apart, but it keeps singing and when you feel like dying so you can finally have peace, the singing stops. Yeah, that’s about right. Welcome to my life. Oh, and I would never hurt my self like that because I value my life and I kinda want to see what’s in store for me. There is so much I haven’t experienced so I need to get better so I can adventure and do all the things.

I am in a better place and I’m going to properly adult and get my shit together. I mean it’s time. I’m almost 30 fucking years old and I have dreams and goals and a really great life if I want it and I know I can do it this time. I have no excuses at this point. Not drinking will be a struggle, but becoming the most awesome me is going to be so worth it.

Properly Adulting Like A Boss,

Mental Case

Arguing with Thy Self

Ever want to talk to someone about something but you play it out in your head first then end up arguing with yourself about how you reacted and just realize you’re not going to have the conversation with the actual person because it played out badly in your head? Totally happening to me.

I’m a little extra stressed lately and avoiding alcohol. I have broken down and smoked twice but only a few hits. When drinking, I always drink too much and i’m sick for days after and I get extremely depressed and cry and think that everything would be better if I wasn’t here. So….. I’m just not drinking. When smoking, I only can do a few hits and I’m relaxed and it’s the only way I can get an appetite to eat lately. I really never feel hungry anymore because of the surgery and have been very forgetful lately about eating and a whole day will go by and I haven’t eaten at all. I realized I didn’t eat dinner for the past 4 days.  Part of that could be the stress.

Let’s talk about stress. I’m going on a deep sea fishing trip with my Dad and a few family friends for his birthday. I’m really excited. I can do rough seas and that bit isn’t what is stressing me out, it’s more the ride down there. I don’t travel that great when someone else is driving or I can’t smoke. Well, that is part of it. The other part is one of the family friends going – her and my mom had a really bad fall out a few years back and she can be a bit of a bitch – you would say – and I don’t want her to start any drama with me. One reason they got into a fight is because she said some very un-nice things about me to my mom and that started the fight between them. You never speak ill of someone else’s children that way. Like if you need to tell someone something unfortunate about their child, there is a proper way to do it that is not like your are punching them in the face with words – you know what I mean?

The person I used to be doesn’t exist anymore. I have grown up a bit and learned from my mistakes and got my shit together. Quite well if I might add. She is one of those women that will say things to start drama and loves to stir a pot and just be dramatastic to the max. Completely unpleasant sometimes. I just don’t want her to come at me. She hasn’t seen me since I have lost the weight and being larger was a lot of her distaste towards me. She looks at overweight people like you would at used condoms on the street. Yeah, imagine that face. I know it will be ok. I’m extremely pleasant and Southern F*ck You is my first language. I would never do anything to cause drama on my Dad’s trip. But if she comes at me sideways for anything, I will calmly tell her to go f*ck herself. Oh and smile. Can’t forget the smile.

With all this building stress, I have gotten back into yoga and working out and building up that stamina so when Red and I go on adventures, I don’t die. But what happens when I work out is I start thinking. Not always the best, but sometimes I surprise myself.

I realized some things about me the other day that are actually really nice. As a girlfriend, I’m kind and considerate. I don’t blow up his phone or constantly text until I get a reply. If I call once and he doesn’t pick up , I know he is busy and will call me back when he can. I take pride in myself and look nice. I don’t smother him on the couch when we sit together. I listen to his problems and let him drive my car. I understand that he is stressed out with a few things (I know what they are but they don’t need to be written down) and his words can be a bit harsh. He never meant them to hurt me, but they still did. He would always apologize later. I clean and cook. I get on with his family really well. I’m really quite happy when I’m around him because I genuinely love being around him. I’m understanding when he is too tired to see me. I’m always down for getting out and about when he wants. What I’m getting at is I think I’m a pretty decent partner. So why is it when I want to be close to him for a few minutes when laying in bed, I get told – “why don’t you move over there.” Granted he has been in a pissy mood because of something else he is dealing with and he has never said that to me before, It makes me want to scream. Ok, so you know the whole arguing with thyself thing that started this flood of words – it relates to this…

I needed to get out that first bit to get to this bit. When he asked me to leave because he wouldn’t get any sleep with the cat hissing at the dogs then was passed out before I left. I didn’t say anything to him. I simply responded, “Ok, I’ll leave in a minute.” I got quiet, looked at my dogs, then got dressed and left. I didn’t hear from him at all the next day. I didn’t text him or call, I knew he was working. I was a little sad but hey people get busy. I get over things pretty quickly, but when I didn’t hear from him at all the next day after being told I needed to go… It was kind of a let down. This happened on a Monday and I’m leaving for my trip on Thursday and won’t be back till the following Tuesday. I didn’t hear from him until Wednesday late afternoon, only after I called to see if he wanted to see me before being gone. He has been working extra hard so I knew there was a big possibility he would be too tired to get dinner and spend time together before I left. Just when the possibility becomes the reality, it’s a bit sad. Him being like that isn’t what makes me sad, it’s that I know what it is like to be greatly wanted by someone who can’t have you. He does have me, so it’s like he doesn’t try. But someone else wants me more. (And I know you are reading this, and no it’s not you Baggage. It’s the mistake I told you about that Red can’t know about. Not everything is about you lol).

I’m not asking for much, but just a simple phone call to tell me goodnight, or a text. I would prefer a phone call, they are a bit more personal. I’m not wanting constant attention, but just something more than days of nothing. So I was arguing with myself on how to talk to him about it. I don’t think it is out of line or completely unreasonable what I’m missing in our relationship. So in my head here is how it played out – Brain is him and Me is, well me:

Me: Hey darlin, can I talk to you about something.

Brain: Sure baby, whats up.

Me: You know how you can go days with out ever saying anything to me, could you at least tell me goodnight.

Brain: You know I can’t always get to my phone and when I work really hard I tend to come home and pass out.

Me: Yeah, I understand, but it would just be nice to know you thought of me at some point.

Brain: You’re right baby. I do think about you, I just get so worn out and I mean to call you, but I close my eyes and next thing I know it’s morning. I’ll call baby.

——————————-

That is the best scenario I think. But then my brain did this shit.

——————————-

Me: You know how you can go days with out ever saying anything to me, could you at least tell me goodnight.

Brain: I swear babe, I’m not trying to be mean but you can be clingy. I really can’t deal with that right now.

Me: You told me to move over, and I did. You tell me to leave and I do, with no argument might I add. I never text or call you when you’re at work. I don’t demand your attention when you’re watching your shows. I’m not a fucking puppy that you are having to deal with – I’m your girlfriend and a fucking amazing one at that. I support you in everything. I’ve listened to you talk about your ex because you have so much anger towards her and have never been able to let it out. And every single memory you tell me is awful and feels like a fucking punch in the face. But I take it and never say anything bad about her and never judge you for letting things go on that way for as long as they did. I don’t bring up my past because the one time I did you judged me so fast and made me feel extremely small. All I ask for is a phone call or text, it’s not like I’m asking for a compliment, which I never get, just a split fucking second of your time to feel wanted.

Brain: I can’t deal with this, you need to leave.

——————–

See my brain is a fucking dick too. I know i’m fretting on absolutely nothing and I probably won’t have that conversation with him. If he didn’t want me, then we wouldn’t be together. I know that is how simple-guy-brain works, but I have a crazy-girl-brain and sometimes she just needs a little reassurance. I really am complaining about nothing and when I’m with him, all that shit just doesn’t even matter. It’s just I know the true root of the problem is that Mistake makes me feel wanted, every day. And he isn’t the one I want to be making me feel that way. I get attention from everyone but the one man I want to get attention from. That’s exactly it.

I almost want to see how long it would take him to contact me. Let’s do an experiment. I’m driving a long distance this evening and I don’t see that great at night. He knows this and he know I’m driving a long way alone at night. We talked last night when I called before he went to bed. Haven’t heard from him at all today and it’s about 3pm now. Let’s see how long it takes for him to contact me. It’s a bit caddy and beneath me, but I am a mental case so I’ll allow it this one time. Once we have the findings, don’t worry a massive emotional overload will not happen. I’m just curious to see how long he will go without saying anything to me. It’s Thursday – day 1.

Did you not know I’m a scientist too?

Mental Case

What the Florida?

Ever have someone make you feel bad for having a horrible allergic reaction that makes your skin look very Freddy Kruegeresque then discover it was their fault you look like that? And a few days later they ask you to leave after inviting you over. Totally happened to me.

My pride has taken a bit of a blow in the past few weeks. I was a contender. My confidence was up, my lust for life was blossoming, and I had a major wardrobe upgrade. All that came horrifically crashing down in the matter of 2 days. I started having really bad skin reactions and I thought it was allergies to something around me. I changed out all my soaps, switched to super gentle detergents, meticulously cleaned my house. Washed everything. Started wiping the dogs off when they came in from outside so they weren’t bringing in plant bits. When that didn’t work, I started cutting out foods. Even though it wasn’t a food allergy, I did find certain foods or ingredients I cut out really made me feel so much better so that’s a positive. We’ll get to what it really was in a sec. After the foods, I was starting to think it was Red’s cat. I had never been allergic to cats before, so I really didn’t think that was it. He didn’t use any of the big brand detergents that make me break out. I was just going through everything I could think of that could be causing the reaction. At this point my skin looked terrible, covered in rashes and sores. I felt ugly and unwanted. Not a good feeling.

I remember standing in Red’s kitchen and he was on my left. I have had to wear long sleeves around him because he said my skin looked disgusting. He asked me, “aren’t you hot in that jacket.” I responded, “yes, but you think I look disgusting so I try to cover up.” He said, “yea, it does look really bad.” I started crying. Not like a burst out in sobs cry, but my eyes welled up and tears just started rolling down my face. No one wants to hear that. If you have been reading these past few entries, you can kind of tell Red isn’t the most sensitive of men. I grabbed a paper towel to blot the tears away and try not to smudge my mascara all over my face. He asked why I was crying and I gently whispered, “I look so bad, you don’t even want to touch me. I can’t even remember the last time you gave me a hug.” Then turned away and headed downstairs. I couldn’t hold back the tears and I didn’t want him or his family to see me crying.

While I was looking in the mirror and just removing all my eye makeup because it was a lost cause to try and salvage it at this point. Something someone told me popped in my head about bed bugs and how my skin looks similar to a reaction to bed bugs. I turned and looked at the bed and thought it wouldn’t hurt to check. And that is exactly what I found. I look like I could be Freddy Krueger’s daughter because Red had bed bugs. We got it taken care of and got a new mattress and did all the stuff, but seriously. What the Florida? I have never encountered bed bugs so that is why I didn’t think of that as a possibility. I didn’t have them at my house thank goodness, but I treated everything just in case. I kept my cool and of course didn’t get mad at him or anything. Getting angry isn’t really my nature and I think one day he will come to greatly appreciate that about me. I was actually happy it wasn’t the cat and that I finally figured out what was causing the problem.

Red isn’t the most sensitive man, which I accept and kind of like (always been a bit drawn to the assholes),  but when it is just us, I feel he could have been a bit nicer in how he said things to me about my skin. He really wouldn’t touch me and it was awful. I did talk to him about it, but I don’t think it really registered with him. But let him drink a bottle of whisky and he shares his inner demons and feelings and i’m right there to hold/comfort him and let him know he is the most amazing man ever. I accept him for who he is and I don’t make him feel bad for anything, I just wish he wasn’t such a guy sometimes when he says stupid shit that really does hurt my feelings. I know he doesn’t do it intentionally, so I’m not angry with him, just hurt.

My skin has gone almost back to normal. I do have a good amount of scarring in the form of little dots all over my right arm, but just gives me more of an excuse for tattoos. There is always a silver lining.

A day after the whole bed bug thing, he did feel really bad. He wanted to do something special for me and little side fact –  I love going on car rides – yes just like dog lol. I love to look out the window and feel the wind through my fingers and just take in all the things while jamming out to great music and not giving a care in the world. I can’t do that when I drive – my car is a 6-speed beast – so I let Red drive for the first time. I don’t really let anyone drive my car, it’s not easy to drive and she is like my baby. He only stalled out a few times which isn’t bad. My gears are really tight and it’s a super short shifter and it takes some getting used to if your not in a race car all the time. Once he got it down, we were good. He took me for a drive through the mountains and it was amazing. I saw all kinds of water falls and beautiful vistas of the mountains. We stopped off at a few places and got a lot of great pictures. He took me to this little shack of place to eat and it was delicious. I was happier than a tween at a puppy party. For dinner, he smoked salmon and his mom and I made all kinds of fixins’. Just a really nice day and an amazing night – if you know what I mean ;). But with the good, comes the bad.

Next time I came, he asked me to bring the dogs. He really only likes one of my dogs, but they both love him. His cat isn’t too fond of the dogs, but only one is interested in getting closer to him. My other dog, I call her my old lady, really couldn’t care less about the cat. She doesn’t bark at it or chase it, really doesn’t care. Now the other dog, totally different. He doesn’t bark at the cat, he really just wants to play with it. He is a small dog and about the same size as the cat. He just gets too excited when he sees cat and wants to play. Cat does not like that. I have been researching healthy ways to introduce a dog to a cat and hold him to let the cat come closer. The cat come up to him and my dog even licked his face but when he started smelling, cat started hissing and went back to his perch to stare down at the peasants. At that point Red said I just needed to probably go because he wouldn’t get any sleep with the cat hissing at the dog all night.

I did ask multiple times before I brought them if he was sure because just the tapping of their nails on the wood floor annoys him in the morning.

-Really any noise kind of eerks him in the morning. Note: Red is not a morning person – that was a super fun fact to learn about him.

He said to bring them. So I did. Then he tells me I need to go after about an hour. Seriously, Sir? What the Florida? And since getting angry really isn’t in my nature, I just got really quiet. Looked over at the bra and dress I would have to put back on and just sighed. Told him, “ok, I’ll leave in just a second.” The dogs were snuggled up beside me on the couch and I just looked down at them and felt bad. Red just went to lay in the bed and didn’t say anything and went to sleep. I changed out of my pjs and back in the chest torture device and my dress and left. I know he wasn’t being mean, but it just hurts being told you need to leave. Anywhere. That hurt a bit more than being unbridesmaided but not as much as being told I needed to leave because the girl at the bar was hotter. Yeah, I have had some pretty awful first dates. And let me say she was not hotter, she was just wearing less clothing and was pushing that Down to F*uck hard AF. Dating sucks dicks.

I’m probably to understanding of a person, but I don’t see it as a bad quality. I’m very logical and aware of reasoning for things. I understood he needed a good night of sleep for work the next day. It just hurts.

Going through all the withdrawals does make me a bit extra sensitive and I’m hoping that will get better. I’m finishing up week 2 of not having anything and the night terrors aren’t as bad and the panic attacks are getting better. I’m trying new hobbies and getting back into old ones that I used to do. I have to keep my hands busy or I start thinking too much and then I want something to help dull down the amount of thoughts. I’ve also started working out to deal with the stress of being me and it has really helped. That lust for life is coming back and Red and I are planning really fun weekend activities like hiking, fishing, camping, and kayaking. I love just being outdoors. So it’s just little things about Red, like how he says things sometimes, that i’m learning to not let get under my skin. I’m a sensitive baby sometimes and even though I know he didn’t mean it in a bad way, it can just be a bit harsh. I have talked to him about it but he doesn’t realize that he is doing it. I think the more we learn about each other the better it will be. We had some really deep chats where he did let his more sensitive side show and I know what he has been through and I’m completely different from any girl he has ever dated. We both have huge walls and as they slowly start to come down we learn more about each other. I love him and I just melt when he tells me, “I love you more than you will ever know Mon Cher.”  In the end I know it will always be ok.

In every great adventure there will be a few rough obstacles, but that’s what makes it great ;). On to experience what happens next….

There is always a silver lining,

Mental Case.